A couple of things today have left me feeling a bit bitter. I know they probably shouldn't, but I can't help it.
Tonight I heard a girl sharing her testimony. She talked about how she did drugs, drank alcohol, and had an abortion when she was 16. Years later, as she put it, God forgave her and blessed her when she and her husband conceived twins on their honeymoon.
I don't mean to belittle her story in any way, because she was such a sweet person and she truly has had a tough life. I appreciated her honesty. But I can't help but think, what about all of the women who can't conceive a child? Or have held their dead baby in their arms? What about my friend who is an amazing person and is just devastated after 3 miscarriages and 1 stillbirth and still no healthy child? Is God not "blessing" her? What did SHE do wrong? (please note the sarcasm)
Then tonight I saw on Facebook that a friend of mine got to hear her baby's heartbeat for the first time today. I'm very happy and excited for her - I know how wonderful that sound is! She posted these verses from Psalm 139:
For You formed my inward parts; You wove me in my mother's womb. I will give thanks to You, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made; Wonderful are Your works, and my soul knows it very well. My frame was not hidden from You, when I was made in secret, and skillfully wrought in the depths of the earth; Your eyes have seen my unformed substance; and in Your book were all written the days that were ordained for me, when as yet there was not one of them.
I remember thinking of those verses when I was pregnant with Ada. I was as excited and happy as my friend is. I also remember hearing my husband's broken, tearful voice reading them out loud - I was too upset to speak - when we scattered her ashes over a year and a half ago. I am happy for my friend, but I guess I'm jealous of her happiness and ignorance. It really is bliss.
3 comments:
I feel the same way when an "outsider" gets pregnant...b/c I didn't feel giddy while pregnant with Cooper...I just wanted the nine months to fly by. I look back and feel bitter, too, on all the things that I lost when Lily died...
I often ask God the same questions when I hear testimonies like the one you mentioned...I could get all deep but sometimes I wonder why we even pray and ask for things when He knows that we only get whats in His will anyways~ and, I don't think I'll ever be okay that it was His will that Lily couldn't be with me...
Too much thinking at 4:30 in the morning :)
I totally get you. And I also remember really struggling with being "blessed" - I am still careful how I use that word. I tend to use "lucky" or "grateful" now. I don't think God blesses or curses people, but I do think he is there for us. I hope he is there for your friend as she grieves the loss of her 4th baby.
I totally understand. I'm so jealous of the innocence (ignorance) of many people around me as they take advantage of so much. I'm sorry you are bitter, but you aren't alone in that!
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