Many of you know that I have another blog where I post about other stuff going on in my life, including this pregnancy with Eleanor. I decided to change the URL, and I'm going to keep it a bit more personal. Several of you who have been faithful readers can't see it anymore though, and I want you to be able to. So please, if you want to see my other blog, just send me an email at adasmama@yahoo.com. I've also posted it on Facebook for those of you who know me.
Tuesday, June 30, 2009
Monday, June 29, 2009
How to remember?
I need help. Ada's first birthday is quickly approaching on July 16, and I don't know what to do to celebrate/remember her. We plan to go back to the beach where we spread her ashes at sunrise, but that's it. Really, Hunter kind of needs to work that day because only 4 days later I'll be going back to the hospital to deliver Eleanor. But then again, if he's taking off a week or two for her, shouldn't he take off a day for Ada, too? We haven't actually discussed this yet...I'm really just thinking out loud here.
I feel like I've been so preoccupied with Eleanor that I've almost forgotten about this upcoming date. Sometimes I fear that Eleanor is slowly replacing Ada. I know that's not true, and I know that none of the people who care about me have forgotten Ada, but it's certainly a lot more exciting to talk about the upcoming birth of my healthy baby than it is to sadly remember where we were a year ago. Eleanor will probably be born on July 21 - one year to the day after Ada's memorial service.
So back to my point - what should we do to remember Ada's short little life? All suggestions are welcome.
I feel like I've been so preoccupied with Eleanor that I've almost forgotten about this upcoming date. Sometimes I fear that Eleanor is slowly replacing Ada. I know that's not true, and I know that none of the people who care about me have forgotten Ada, but it's certainly a lot more exciting to talk about the upcoming birth of my healthy baby than it is to sadly remember where we were a year ago. Eleanor will probably be born on July 21 - one year to the day after Ada's memorial service.
So back to my point - what should we do to remember Ada's short little life? All suggestions are welcome.
Saturday, June 20, 2009
Yay for us!
Within the first month after losing Ada, I started reading lots of blogs by women in my shoes and I was eventually inpired to start this one. Over the next few months those women became my support group. None of us have ever met in person, but we've helped each other through some really difficult times just by reading and commenting on each other's blogs.
I realized something tonight - every one of the women whose blogs I've followed closely fom the beginning is now pregnant again! Congratulations Tamara, Stephanie, Jen, Holly, Hollie P., Jessica, and Jennifer! Some of us got here through fertility drugs and in vitro fertilization, and some of us got here the old fashioned way. However it happened, yay for us! I cannot wait to see pictures of all of your rainbow babies! And congratulations to Kara, who already has her baby here! Seriously, one day we need to have a reunion. (Is it a reunion if we've never met...?)
For those of you who are reading this and are not here yet (and I realize some of you may not want to get pregnant again), you're not forgotten either. It's a difficult journey, as any of these women could tell you. Don't lose hope.
I realized something tonight - every one of the women whose blogs I've followed closely fom the beginning is now pregnant again! Congratulations Tamara, Stephanie, Jen, Holly, Hollie P., Jessica, and Jennifer! Some of us got here through fertility drugs and in vitro fertilization, and some of us got here the old fashioned way. However it happened, yay for us! I cannot wait to see pictures of all of your rainbow babies! And congratulations to Kara, who already has her baby here! Seriously, one day we need to have a reunion. (Is it a reunion if we've never met...?)
For those of you who are reading this and are not here yet (and I realize some of you may not want to get pregnant again), you're not forgotten either. It's a difficult journey, as any of these women could tell you. Don't lose hope.
Thursday, June 18, 2009
One year ago
One year ago today I got what I thought might be the worst news of my life. (At that point, it may have been, but the news I got 26 days later definitely was worse.) I was at a teaching conference in Atlanta, 9 hours away from my husband, when my doctor called to say that Ada's AFP test showed an elevated risk of Down's Syndrome. It didn't mean that she had it, but it just meant that there was a higher possibility than usual and we needed to get a Level 2 ultrasound.
I was a wreck. I called Hunter and I lost it. He was so upset that he called the doctor back to ask her more questions about the test. We both spent the rest of the afternoon researching that test and discovering that it gives LOTS of false positives. Still, we were so afraid that we might not be so lucky.
I still had 2 more days at the conference, and it was so hard for me to concentrate. I could not wait to get home to Hunter. Then, the next day, I got a phone call from my nurse saying that the lab may have miscalculated the results! What?! Apparently my birthday was written down differently in two places and the age of the mother is a big factor in determining the risk. It wasn't until the following Tuesday morning that we found out that the results were indeed miscalculated. Whew! Crisis averted! The baby was okay! At least, for a few more weeks...
This week I am virtually attending that same conference in Atlanta. I wasn't quite sure about traveling at this point in the pregnancy, and Hunter was completely against it. So, I've been using Skype all week to talk to everybody there. It's been pretty interesting! So, once again I am pregnant at this conference. And once again I am hoping that everything is okay with my baby. I just hope that the outcome this year is totally different. All I want is to hold my healthy baby.
I was a wreck. I called Hunter and I lost it. He was so upset that he called the doctor back to ask her more questions about the test. We both spent the rest of the afternoon researching that test and discovering that it gives LOTS of false positives. Still, we were so afraid that we might not be so lucky.
I still had 2 more days at the conference, and it was so hard for me to concentrate. I could not wait to get home to Hunter. Then, the next day, I got a phone call from my nurse saying that the lab may have miscalculated the results! What?! Apparently my birthday was written down differently in two places and the age of the mother is a big factor in determining the risk. It wasn't until the following Tuesday morning that we found out that the results were indeed miscalculated. Whew! Crisis averted! The baby was okay! At least, for a few more weeks...
This week I am virtually attending that same conference in Atlanta. I wasn't quite sure about traveling at this point in the pregnancy, and Hunter was completely against it. So, I've been using Skype all week to talk to everybody there. It's been pretty interesting! So, once again I am pregnant at this conference. And once again I am hoping that everything is okay with my baby. I just hope that the outcome this year is totally different. All I want is to hold my healthy baby.
Friday, June 12, 2009
Caught off guard
The other night I was in Eleanor's room happily cutting tags off of all of her new little socks and hats. I can't bring myself to do that to her clothes yet. For a while, I didn't do it because I was afraid of the possibility of the ultrasound being wrong about the gender, but I think after 3 level 2 ultrasounds, 2 of them with VERY clear shots of her girl parts, I shouldn't worry about that. Still, I feel like it's bad luck or something. So, I decided that I could do it for the socks and hats as a step in that direction.
Suddenly, I mean totally out of the blue, I burst into tears. There was really no specific thought that triggered this, but it doesn't take a genius to figure out that it must be because I never got to this point in preparing for Ada. I had a few little outfits for her, but nothing like the drawers full that I have now for Eleanor. I cried big fat tears for several minutes and I couldn't make myself stop. It actually felt good though. Sometimes I have this fear that I'm slowly forgetting about Ada, but moments like that remind me that her memory is still very real for me.
On another note, my cat Lincoln is still missing. It's been two full weeks now, and we've pretty much lost hope. Hunter reminds me that he once had a cat come back after disappearing for 3 months, but we are both pretty sure that Lincoln's dead. She's almost 7 years old, slowly going blind, and has never been away from our house for more than about 2 nights until now. There's a lot of wildlife around us including snakes, bobcats, and probably even alligators, so we're assuming the worst. Her sister Penny, on the other hand, has been quite clingy lately. She stays inside more than ever before and she curls up with me all the time. I love this cat so much, but I miss her sister. I just keep telling myself that I have done EVERYTHING I can for Lincoln (calling vets, visiting shelters, posting signs, etc.) but now I just have to accept what's happened and appreciate the cat that I still have. I love them both, but it's so hard to lose one. Sound familiar?
Suddenly, I mean totally out of the blue, I burst into tears. There was really no specific thought that triggered this, but it doesn't take a genius to figure out that it must be because I never got to this point in preparing for Ada. I had a few little outfits for her, but nothing like the drawers full that I have now for Eleanor. I cried big fat tears for several minutes and I couldn't make myself stop. It actually felt good though. Sometimes I have this fear that I'm slowly forgetting about Ada, but moments like that remind me that her memory is still very real for me.
On another note, my cat Lincoln is still missing. It's been two full weeks now, and we've pretty much lost hope. Hunter reminds me that he once had a cat come back after disappearing for 3 months, but we are both pretty sure that Lincoln's dead. She's almost 7 years old, slowly going blind, and has never been away from our house for more than about 2 nights until now. There's a lot of wildlife around us including snakes, bobcats, and probably even alligators, so we're assuming the worst. Her sister Penny, on the other hand, has been quite clingy lately. She stays inside more than ever before and she curls up with me all the time. I love this cat so much, but I miss her sister. I just keep telling myself that I have done EVERYTHING I can for Lincoln (calling vets, visiting shelters, posting signs, etc.) but now I just have to accept what's happened and appreciate the cat that I still have. I love them both, but it's so hard to lose one. Sound familiar?
Lincoln & Penny almost 7 years ago. They were the runts.
(Lincoln is the lighter one.)
(Lincoln is the lighter one.)
Sweet sisters
They were so tiny when we got them that we had to feed them with bottles.
Lincoln is always up to something!
Pictures like this remind me of why we let them go outside. I'm glad that Lincoln had 7 good years of exploring the world.
Beautiful Penny
Sunday, June 7, 2009
Not as hard as I expected
Yesterday we had the tour at the hospital and I saw the room where I delivered Ada. It's the only place where I ever held or saw her. I also saw the nursery, which I assume is where they kept her. I saw where they took her first and only picture. I saw the kitchen where I sent my poor husband multiple times to get ice for me because my temperature was 102 and I felt like I was going to die.
I also saw other delivery rooms - there are only 5 total, and I've requested to not be in the same one where I was last time. A small part of me thinks it would be nice for my two daughters to be born in the same room, but I think the memories would be too overwhelming. I saw a warmer like the one where Eleanor will go when she's born. I saw the room where you stay for the next 48 hours after you deliver. I saw lots of things that made me excited about returning to the hospital for Eleanor's birth. The whole tour really wasn't as hard as I expected, and now I am not worried about what it will be like when I go there on July 20 when I deliver. (Yes, July 20! We have a date! It's 4 days after Ada's first birthday.)
On a different note, today I had another baby shower. It was actually at my house because it was the most central location for everyone, and it was so fun. My sister-in-law and a good friend of mine hosted it and I really enjoyed the delicious food, time with friends, and of course fun gifts for Eleanor. Monica, my sister-in-law, had some candles to light and she had the idea for me to light Ada's candle. My sister and her friend bought Ada's candle for her memorial service last summer and I've only lit it a few times since then. I always keep it sitting out, but I don't want it to run out. Anyway, I'm glad Monica thought to have me light it today - Ada was present with us at the shower. Also, Monica created a fun little quiz for the shower with questions about Eleanor (What does her name mean? What's one place where she's already traveled? etc.) and one of the questions was, "What is Eleanor's sister's name?" I'm pretty sure everybody got that one right. I'm so lucky to have friends and family that recognize Ada and her place in our family.
I also saw other delivery rooms - there are only 5 total, and I've requested to not be in the same one where I was last time. A small part of me thinks it would be nice for my two daughters to be born in the same room, but I think the memories would be too overwhelming. I saw a warmer like the one where Eleanor will go when she's born. I saw the room where you stay for the next 48 hours after you deliver. I saw lots of things that made me excited about returning to the hospital for Eleanor's birth. The whole tour really wasn't as hard as I expected, and now I am not worried about what it will be like when I go there on July 20 when I deliver. (Yes, July 20! We have a date! It's 4 days after Ada's first birthday.)
On a different note, today I had another baby shower. It was actually at my house because it was the most central location for everyone, and it was so fun. My sister-in-law and a good friend of mine hosted it and I really enjoyed the delicious food, time with friends, and of course fun gifts for Eleanor. Monica, my sister-in-law, had some candles to light and she had the idea for me to light Ada's candle. My sister and her friend bought Ada's candle for her memorial service last summer and I've only lit it a few times since then. I always keep it sitting out, but I don't want it to run out. Anyway, I'm glad Monica thought to have me light it today - Ada was present with us at the shower. Also, Monica created a fun little quiz for the shower with questions about Eleanor (What does her name mean? What's one place where she's already traveled? etc.) and one of the questions was, "What is Eleanor's sister's name?" I'm pretty sure everybody got that one right. I'm so lucky to have friends and family that recognize Ada and her place in our family.
Wednesday, June 3, 2009
Buildings with memories
Tonight I am going back to the hospital where Ada was born, and I'm a little nervous about it. The only time I've ever been there was to deliver her. We're taking an infant CPR class and we'll just be in a classroom somewhere, but what I'm really nervous about is Saturday. We're taking a childbirth class which is on the L&D floor, and the class includes a tour. I couldn't pick out the room where I was for those 2 days (I intentionally looked at the floor as they were taking us the room because I didn't want to see all of the cute happy baby stuff I imagined was hanging on everybody's doors), but I know the room number is written down somewhere. I think I'm going to look it up, just so I know which room it was and I don't constantly keep wondering, "Was this the room?" It's probably good for us to go back to the hospital before it's time for Eleanor to come though, because this way we can get used to being there now instead of when I'm being induced and there's already so much going on.
One of our two cats has been missing for almost 6 days now, and it's been really sad. One of the things I've done to find her is to call local vets and leave a description of her. One vet wanted me to come by and post something on their bulletin board, so I did. This vet is right next door to the funeral home where I picked up Ada's ashes. I've driven past there quite a few times, but it's in this whole complex of buildings so I never really notice it. Well, I did yesterday, and all I could think about was leaving that building with my daughter in a small white cardboard box. No parent should ever, ever have to do that.
One of our two cats has been missing for almost 6 days now, and it's been really sad. One of the things I've done to find her is to call local vets and leave a description of her. One vet wanted me to come by and post something on their bulletin board, so I did. This vet is right next door to the funeral home where I picked up Ada's ashes. I've driven past there quite a few times, but it's in this whole complex of buildings so I never really notice it. Well, I did yesterday, and all I could think about was leaving that building with my daughter in a small white cardboard box. No parent should ever, ever have to do that.
Ada's Gallery
Well, not only did Ada recently travel to Australia, but she went to Greece as well! Stephanie, Malou's mama, took these pictures at Panormas beach on the island of Tinos. How beautiful!
Thanks to Mirna for these next pictures! Little does she know that when I was about 7-8 years old I had an obsession with Australia and wanted to live there when I grew up. (I wanted to work with koalas, of course.) My obsession has faded, but I would still LOVE to visit. I'm glad that Ada has already gotten the chance!
Ada on the Gold Coast
Thanks to Mirna for these next pictures! Little does she know that when I was about 7-8 years old I had an obsession with Australia and wanted to live there when I grew up. (I wanted to work with koalas, of course.) My obsession has faded, but I would still LOVE to visit. I'm glad that Ada has already gotten the chance!
Ada at Point Danger
Ada with Southport in the background
This one is from Lea from Ontario:
This beautiful butterfly is from Bree in San Diego!
This is from another friend of mine - taken at Sapelo Island, GA. Thanks Emily N!
A friend of mine from college took these pictures when she was visiting Cannon Beach, Oregon recently. Thanks Emily B.!
Ada in Coolangatta, Australia
Thank you Mirna!
Ada got her first submission to the gallery! This is from Heather in Ontario, Canada. Thanks Heather! Charlotte, Benjamin, and Aaron are remembering Ada:
Ada at the GA Aquarium
By the way, I should add that Ada was a pretty well traveled baby even before she was born. She went to California, Nevada, Arizona, New Mexico (barely), Colorado, Utah, Georgia, Florida, South Carolina, North Carolina, Tennessee, and Kentucky. She visited 6 national parks, her great-aunt in Kentucky, her second cousins in Kentucky, both of her grandmothers' houses, and one of her grandfather's houses. That's pretty good for 5 1/2 months!
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