Christmas at the beach

Today we took Eleanor on her first trip to the beach. We went to the same beach where we spread Ada's ashes nearly a year and a half ago. Has it really been that long?

As we walked along, Hunter smiled and said he can just imagine Eleanor running by the waves and picking up shells in a year or so. That image makes me so happy, but so sad at the same time. When we were spreading Ada's ashes I thought about exactly that - how I would MISS seeing her do all of those things at the beach. As I watch Eleanor grow and develop a little personality, I realize how much I don't know about Ada. I don't know what she would have looked or acted like. I just wish I could have had more time.

Here are a few pictures from our trip today.

Ada's book

When I was 10 weeks pregnant with Ada, Hunter and I took a big trip out west. We were in the gift shop at the Petrified Forest National Park when I saw this book and I knew we had to get it. We had already decided that the theme for her nursery would be animals of the world, and this was a perfect addition. It has wonderful labeled drawings of LOTS of different desert animals, and rhyming phrases that say what they do. ("I sting", "I sing")

This book was the first purchase we made together for Ada, and Hunter read it to her very often. We always laughed at the picture of some sort of deer kicking and saying, "I kick" because it reminded us of Ada and how she would kick.

After Ada died, Hunter kept it by his bed and read it many times, always with tears. I contemplated putting it in Ada's box, but we decided that it is too good of a book and we wanted all of our kids to get to read it. Since Eleanor has been born I haven't been able to bring myself to pick up that book - it was just too hard. Yesterday though, Hunter and I were together with Eleanor and I went to pick out a book for her. I decided that it was a good time since we were all here, so I picked up I Howl, I Growl. Hunter read it to her and we both cried as he read it. That was really hard for both of us - probably the saddest we have been since Eleanor was born. It's amazing how a silly little book can remind you of all of the joy and excitement that you once had... and then lost.

Ada on my mind

Ada's been on my mind a lot the past few days. I don't know if it's the approach of the holidays or what, but it seems like there are little reminders all the time. Last night for whatever reason, I started thinking about her as I was lying in bed and trying to fall asleep. I never really think about this, but I started remembering her ashes and what they felt like in my hand. For those of you who have never seen a person's ashes, it's not exactly what you might expect. There's ash, but there are also little bits of bone mixed in. Yeah, I know it's gross, but it's reality. So last night all I could think about were those little bits of bone. I get to look at Eleanor every day and watch her grow up (and boy does she grow fast!), but with Ada the last memory I have of her is feeling those little pieces in my hand and then letting them go into the ocean. I know it's macabre and like I said I really never think about that part, but for some reason it was on my mind last night.

Then today I was at MOPS (Mothers of Preschoolers) and we've been watching this video series about adjusting to life as a mom. The videos are actually really interesting and the stories bring up some good points. In the story today though, the woman kept mentioning something about her child being her "first". She must have said that word 10 times. I almost had to get up and go to the bathroom because I was afraid I was going to start crying right then and people would think I was crazy because the story itself wasn't sad at all.

I will always call Eleanor my oldest, but I will never say that she's my first. I held the ashes of my first child and let her go. I wonder what part of the world she's visiting today. :)

My daughters' ornaments

Cleaning out the closet

We have been cleaning out our house and preparing for a yard sale. It's amazing how much STUFF you accumulate once you settle down and stop moving every year. Anyway, I was cleaning out our closet and I came across the bag I got at my OB's office when I had my first appointment after I got pregnant with Ada. I put all of the paperwork, free samples, magazines, and other stuff that I accumulated from my doctor's visits in that bag. Somehow, it got pushed to the back of the closet and I never noticed it. Well, I went through it last night and I had to look at every single stupid little thing. I searched for the date on everything! The sample pregnancy vitamins? They expire in January. The Huggies coupons? They expired last December. The various magazines were all dated around April or May of 2008.

I told Hunter about everything when I finished and how I thought it was weird that I wanted to see the date on everything. He said, "You needed to be reminded that it was real." And that's the truth. Sometimes it seems like Ada's short little life never happened. All I have is her footprints, the snowglobe from my aunt, her box, and two ornaments on the tree to remind me. (I posted about both of them last year here and here. I made a new one for Eleanor this year that's green - it looks so great with Ada's!)

I also realized last night that I think I have made it to the final stage of grief: Acceptance. It doesn't mean I'm "over it" (because we all know that's impossible!), but I have reached a point where I am at peace. I miss Ada, but thoughts of her don't consume me like they once did. Did having another baby help? Absolutely. It doesn't mean that Eleanor has taken Ada's place - Ada will always be my firstborn - but they say that when you lose a child you lose your future, and Eleanor has given that back to me. I love Ada deeply, but I have learned how to be happy again. I like to think that Ada would have wanted it that way.

Finally, a meeting in "real life"!

I am attending a conference in San Diego this weekend, so I had the wonderful opportunity to meet one of my fellow blogger mamas in real life this morning! Bree already posted pictures and wrote about our meeting here, but I just want to add that this meeting was a real highlight for me, too. It's amazing how you can feel so comfortable with someone you've never met because you have such a major life experience in common. I've said this before, but I would really love to have a little reunion one day with everyone! (I realize it's not a REunion if you've never met, but I don't know what to call it...?) Can't you imagine a picture of all of our rainbow babies together?

Due date

Today was Ada's due date. July 16 will always be "her day" in my mind, but November 5 was supposed to be her day. I should be celebrating her first birthday sometime around now with a party and a messy baby spreading cake all over her face. Instead, today we are going to take Eleanor to the beach for the first time. We will tell her about her sister and enjoy watching her see the ocean for the first time. It's amazing how I can still miss Ada so much, yet feel so happy and full of joy thanks to Eleanor. I love both of my girls deeply.

Here are some pictures and videos of Eleanor:

A special picture

This is Eleanor with Courtey Krueger, the pastor of our former church in SC. He did our premarital counseling with us and performed our wedding in this church. 5 years later he insisted on flying down to FL to do Ada's memorial service in our home. This past Sunday when we visited, it was All Saints' Sunday and the congregation was invited to light a candle in memory of a loved one, so of course Hunter and I lit candles for Ada. (Yes, this is a Baptist church!) Anyway, it's important to know all of this history in order to understand how special this picture is.

SIDS

As most of you know, I am part of an online community for everything baby. They have different forums for parents dealing with loss, fertility issues, adoption, pregnancy, new babies, etc. This is where I met most of my friends who have also lost babies - I don't know what I would have done without it last year! Earlier this year I joined a group of women who were all expecting babies at the same time. We have asked each other questions about things like what carseat to register for, what are early signs of labor, what to do when the new baby won't stop crying, etc. This morning I went on there and there is a new post by a woman whose son just died on Sunday of SIDS. He was 13 days older than Eleanor.

SIDS actually doesn't scare me much, thanks to our monitor. If she ever stopped breathing in her sleep, I would know. I think. Still, I hope this monitor doesn't give me a false sense of security. Anything could happen, and I realize that.

I am heartbroken for this family. This woman and I have been through the whole pregnancy/delivery/new baby experience together, and now her baby is gone. It's just so unfair and I can't get it out of my mind.

Ada's outfit

I have this outfit for Ada that my mom gave us about a week after we found out she was a girl. I had some other clothes for her, but for some reason this outfit was just always very special to me. I think maybe it's because it's so snuggly and soft, and Ada was due on November 5 so it would have been perfect for those cool days. (Yes, we do get a few of those in Florida!) There have been many times since her death that I have held this outfit close and imagined what it would be like to hold her in it.

At this point Eleanor has worn all of the other clothes that I had for Ada, but she has not worn this outfit because it hasn't been cool enough. This weekend, however, we are going to visit family in South Carolina, and it probably will be cool enough to wear it. Last night I got it out and asked Hunter what he thought we should do. After all, it would probably fit Eleanor perfectly right now. We decided to keep this outfit for Ada though. It will always be hers and nobody else's.

This was the first time in a while that we have sat together and talked and cried a little bit about Ada. I realized that for the first time since March 5, 2008 (the day of my pregnancy test), I have had days go by when I didn't think about her. I hate that and it makes me feel guilty - what kind of mother can have days pass when she doesn't even think about one of her children? Yet, I realize that this is natural and it's probably healthy. Just because I don't think of Ada as often as I used to or cry as many tears as I once did doesn't mean she is not still every bit as important to me. I still love you and miss you, my sweet Ada.

It's October 15th...

Most people know that October is Breast Cancer Awareness month. We’ve seen the pink ribbons everywhere, right? Well, October is also Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness month. Both are issues that deeply affect women, yet for some reason people are much more comfortable talking about breast cancer than they are about losing a baby. After losing a baby at 24 weeks for unknown reasons, however, this has become a very important issue to me personally. I just wanted to share some numbers with you.

• Approximately 20 percent of known pregnancies end in miscarriage. (Possibly twice that many miscarriages happen before the woman realizes that she is pregnant, but of course these are difficult to track.) Of the number of women who miscarry, 20 percent will suffer recurring miscarriage.
• Approximately 1 in 200 pregnancies end in stillbirth, which is a miscarriage after 20 weeks gestation.
• Approximately 1 in 200 pregnancies end in neonatal death, when the baby dies before it is 28 days old.
• Approximately 1 in 400 babies die between the age of 28 days and 11 months.

These aren’t just statistics – these are people. I have friends in each of those first three categories, especially the first one. I am sure that you do, too.

Today is October 15, National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day. It’s a day to remember these babies and to light a candle in their memory. There is supposed to be a “wave of light” across the world today; everyone is asked to burn a candle for one hour at 7 PM in their own time zone to keep the wave going. Eleanor and I will light one in memory of her sister and all of the other babies that we know of.

I wanted to end with this little excerpt from the blog of a friend of mine. Last year she lost her baby girl Malou at 32 weeks with no warning. She says it better than I could:

Another part of today’s plane trip
that reminded me of
Malou
was Delta’s solicitation
for donation to
finding a cure for breast cancer.

Now,
this is definitely a cause I support.

And obviously,
a lot of other people do so as well,
and there is a lot of focus on it nowadays.

But it made me think,
when will stillbirth become an issue
that the world fights together?

When will we find a cure
for stillbirth?

Google tells me
400,000 people die from breast cancer each year,
but 2 million babies are stillborn
(and that number doesn’t include
SIDS).

Stillbirth is definitely
the silent killer…
grief stifles the parents
and “courtesy” silences the friends
who don’t want to mention it.

And of course
our darling babies
can’t speak for themselves.

But the whole world
is losing out
on a generation
of people
who deserve to live.

There IS a reason
they are dying.

Even when the autopsy
says there isn’t.

Neighbors

We moved into our house 2 years ago, and since then we've met our neighbors from across the street, but we've never really talked to the ones next door to us. (We only have neighbors on one side.) We see them out walking their dog all the time and they're about our parents' age, but they've just never been very friendly. Well, this week I found out why.

Having a baby makes it easier to approach others, and apparently it makes us more approachable. The other evening we got back from a walk with Eleanor, and the lady next door was out in her yard. She came over and I introduced her to Eleanor, and then we proceeded to have a very long conversation. Their daughter, who I'm assuming was about my age, died of cancer just a couple of months before we moved in. My neighbor was in tears as she told me about what happened and pointed out the window to her daughter's bedroom. She said that she and her husband used to be very social with all of the neighbors, but they just aren't the same people anymore. Some days she goes in her room (her office?) and he goes in his and they both just cry. On top of that, their other daughter lost her baby when she was 8 months pregnant while the sister was sick with cancer, and her husband has had 3 heart attacks since all of this began - one of them was when he saw his daughter's body. I told her about Ada, but I realize that I can never compare my loss to hers. I don't think you can ever really compare losses, of course. It was strange though, because I wanted to tell her that I understand, because I DO understand what it's like to find out that your child has died. At the same time, I have no idea what it's like to raise your child to be a responsible adult and then lose them. I just can't imagine. I wonder if part of the reason they have never talked with us much is because I might remind them of their daughter. Like I said, I'm probably around her age.

My neighbor apologized for not being more social, not that she needed to. I feel a connection with her now though, and I want to do something to get to know her a little better. I have a book on losing a child that is really more about losing a child later in life. I thought I might take it to her sometime. Or maybe I should just make cookies or something and take them instead - something a little bit happier! I'm glad that I can take Eleanor with me, because I'm not the most outgoing person and she can make anybody smile. If you have any suggestions for what Eleanor and I can do, leave them in the comments below.

Birthdays

Today I got a catalog in the mail from 1st Wishes, and after thumbing through it for a minute I realized that the entire catalog is full of party stuff for your baby's first birthday. Personalized banners, plates, cups, balloons, etc. "Wow," I thought, "It's kind of early to start planning Eleanor's birthday! Why did they send me this so soon?" And then it hit me that this catalog was not about Eleanor; I actually felt physical pain like I was being stabbed in the gut. The catalog powers that be who somehow get all of our baby info knew that my due date with Ada was November 5, 2008. Therefore, I must be planning a first birthday party about now, right?

I cried for a minute, of course, but I got this anger sensation that I don't normally feel. I wanted to throw the catalog across the room. I probably should have too, since maybe it would have been therapeutic for me somehow. It all passed quickly enough, but I was surprised by the anger I felt when I saw all of those party decorations. I should be planning a first birthday party. Instead, I celebrated Ada's birthday two months ago with a trip to the beach where we spread her ashes. It's amazing how fresh the grief can still feel when these reminders come up, even though I spend my days with a beautiful and happy baby. I love Eleanor so much, but I wish I could have both of my girls here with me.

My own birthday was Thursday, and it really was my best birthday ever. It was very low key, but I was so happy that I got to spend it with Eleanor. I spent most of the day just sitting there with her, smiling at her and making faces at each other. Again, I did cry for a minute when I thought about sweet Ada and how I don't get to have both of my babies with me, but for the most part it was a very happy day. I miss Ada and I wonder what her smile would have looked like, but for now I can just enjoy seeing this cute face every day:

Better than ever

Today I had my 6 week postpartum checkup. (Note to self: next time either leave the new baby with a sitter or have somebody come with you to help! Just because she normally stays asleep and happy for a while after a car ride does not mean she always will!) Everything was fine, but I had to kind of laugh at the postpartum depression screening survey the gave me at the beginning. It had questions like, "Are you able to laugh and see the funny side of things?" and the possible responses ranged from "never" to "Yes, as well as I could before." There were several times that I wanted to make up a fifth response of "Yes, BETTER than before!" As I did the survey, I realized that I am happier now than I have been in a long time - certainly happier than the months preceding this pregnancy and even than during my anxiety filled pregnancy with Eleanor. Other than the occasional rough night (she slept for 8 hours straight last night!) or frustration of not being able to stop her crying (particularly when I was at the doctor today), I love every minute of it! I love it during the rough times too, but this is even better than I expected. And I'm doing better than I have been in a long, long time!

Rubella

After I delivered Eleanor, three different nurses came in my room and said, "Did you know you're non-rubella immune?!" The first time I was confused and needed an explanation, and then the other two times just started to make me nervous. So, even though I got all my vaccines as a kid, apparently I lost my immunity somewhere along the way. Sometimes that just happens.

I need to get the vaccine, but I still haven't figured out if it's okay while nursing. The pediatrician said I should just wait since I'm not traveling or anything in the near future, but I also want to ask my lactation consultant and my OB. I trust the LC more than anyone. I want to get it sooner rather than later because you should not get pregnant for 3 months after getting the vaccine. And no, I have NO plans to get pregnant anytime soon (!), but you really never know what may happen. I have friends who have had just about every type of birth control fail on them, and I don't want to risk getting pregnant before getting the shot. Keep reading to see why.

I did a little bit of reading about rubella, and I'm intrigued now. "Rubella infection in adults is often mild, self-limiting and often asymptomatic." So, you possibly don't even know you have it? And, "Many mothers who contract rubella during the first critical trimester either have a miscarriage or a stillborn baby." Umm...when did I lose my immunity? Would this have shown up in Ada's autopsy? Did they check me for this when I got pregnant with Ada or in the hospital after she died? I'm definitely going to ask about this at my 6 week checkup next week. If the mother gets rubella during the pregnancy and the baby does survive, s/he can be blind, deaf, have severe heart disorders, and a whole bunch of other major life threatening organ disorders. I do NOT want to risk that! So now I'm just trying to figure out when to get this vaccine and I'm wondering if rubella had anything to do with Ada's death...

Hip dysplasia

On Monday I took Eleanor to the pediatrician for her one month checkup, and the doctor heard a "click" in her hip. As I have learned since then, that's a sign that Eleanor might have hip dysplasia. It's the most common congenital defect, and the possible long term effects (if it goes untreated) are walking with a limp, hip pain, and early hip arthritis. If it's caught very early in infants it can be fixed simply by having the baby wear a harness - if it was caught later you'd have to do surgery to fix it. Eleanor is having an ultrasound on Friday to check for it (x-rays apparently don't work on babies this young), but I'm not too worried. First of all, it's definitely possible that she doesn't have it. But if she does, I'm just thankful that we caught it early. We'll just see what happens.

A few things stood out to me as I read about the condition though. First of all, this condition is most common in first born girls. Is Eleanor a "first born girl"? Not in my opinion, but she was the first full size baby I gave birth to. Also, about one half of one percent of babies have this condition. About one half of one percent of pregnancies end in stillbirth. Why do these statistics not seem to work in my favor?

One month

I know this is Ada's blog, but I wanted to share my new pictures of her little sister for those of you who are interested. My sister-in-law did this photo shoot for us yesterday, and I love these pictures! Eleanor is one month old today!

What I was missing

Today I took Eleanor up to her nursery for the first time. I know that sounds crazy, but our bedroom is downstairs and hers is upstairs so she's been sleeping in a cradle near us. I've been trying to "take it easy" as everybody tells me to do, so I haven't gone up and down the stairs if I can avoid it.

Well, today I decided to show her the nursery. I turned on one of the lullaby CD's she got, sat down in the glider, and rocked my sweet baby. As I did, I looked around the room. It is perfect! I love the way it looks. Eleanor and I had one of the best moments yet as she snuggled into my neck and fell asleep as I rocked her.

Without warning, the tears started flowing and flowing.

I'm not sure exactly what did it. Maybe it was looking at the nursery that was originally planned for Ada. We had all of the furniture that's in there before she died, and some of the decorative stuff. We had just bought the crib and glider maybe a week or two before we found out she was gone. Of course, when we bought that stuff we planned for it to be for her little brothers and sisters too, but we just had no idea that she wouldn't get to use them herself.

Maybe it was the music. The song playing was "Somewhere Out There." I'm sure most people know the lyrics, but just in case:

Somewhere out there beneath the pale moonlight
Someone's thinking of me and loving me tonight

Somewhere out there someone's saying a prayer
That we'll find one another in that big somewhere out there

And even though I know how very far apart we are
It helps to think we might be wishing on the same bright star

And when the night wind starts to sing a lonesome lullaby
It helps to think we're sleeping underneath the same big sky

Somewhere out there if love can see us through
Then we'll be together somewhere out there
Out where dreams come true

Or maybe I got sad because I realized just how much I love Eleanor. She is the sweetest, most precious baby. She's really an easy baby too. I think I suddenly realized how much I had missed by never getting to experience all of this with Ada. I wish I could have snuggled with her, too.

Here's how Hunter found us when he came home from work yesterday. Not the most flattering picture, but sweet...

I love my niece

My niece Julie turned 3 in March. Last summer when I was in labor with Ada she and my sister-in-law came to see me at the hospital. Julie was very somber and quiet, and she understood that Hunter and I were "very sad." She gave us both a hug and never said much. After that she mentioned to me several times that she came to see me at the hospital, but we didn't really talk about it after a month or two.

A year passes.

When Eleanor was born this summer, my brother and his whole family came to see me at the hospital. Both Julie and her little brother Evan were very excited, and Julie even got to hold her little cousin.

In the hospital

Two weeks later

So, imagine my surprise yesterday when Julie was at my house and we had this conversation. Remember, she was only a little bit over two years old when Ada was born.

(totally out of the blue) Julie: Remember when we came to the hospital to see baby Ada?
(Hunter and I look at each other)
Me: Do you mean when you came to see baby Eleanor or baby Ada?
Julie: (suddenly very serious) Baby Ada
Me: Yes, I remember that. Do you remember that we were very sad?
Julie: Yes.
Me: Do you remember when you came to see baby Eleanor in the hospital?
Julie: Yes. We came to see baby Eleanor.

This may not seem like much of a conversation, but it meant a lot to me. First of all, I can't believe she even remembers one year ago since she's only 3 in the first place. But also, it's so nice that she remembers her cousin and isn't afraid to bring up Ada's life like a lot of people are. Ada and Eleanor are lucky to have such great cousins.

I feel like I should add that I think my sister-in-law has a lot to do with the fact that Julie is such a sweet, sensitive little girl. Monica is one of the other few people who will talk with me anytime about Ada. Like mother, like daughter I guess. Thank you, Monica. :)

A little update

All you have to do is look at the time of this post and you can probably figure out why I haven't been posting/commenting much lately. :) Eleanor is doing GREAT - she's gaining weight and is such an easy baby. But of course, she never goes more than a few hours between feedings and sometimes we have these long nights. Right now she's being lulled to sleep in her swing and I just hope it sticks! Anyway, I just wanted to post a quick little hi to say that I'm still around and I do still read all of your blogs, but time is a little short these days!

Tomorrow we have Eleanor's first pediatrician's appointment...I'm excited like it's the first day of school or something. Speaking of school, teachers start back next week. This will be my first year to not go anywhere on the first day of school since I was like...2. Weird.

Eleanor and her cousins

Coming home

Today we brought Eleanor home from the hospital and it was an emotional time for me. During our stay in the hospital we saw several of the same nurses from Ada's delivery. In fact, the same nurse was with me when I delivered Ada and when I delivered Eleanor - that was pretty special. I never saw my favorite nurse from Ada's delivery until today though. (Her name, which I know several of you in our "club" will find interesting, is Holly.) She checked me in when I went in to deliver Ada, and when I first walked into the delivery room and saw the warmer I burst into tears. Holly gave me a big hug, and I have never forgotten about that. It was one of the nicest moments in the hospital. So, this morning I was pleasantly surprised when she walked into my room to bring me towels. We just sort of looked at each other for a minute, and then she said, "I remember you guys." I told her that I remembered her too, and I got a little teary, and she came over and gave me a hug exactly like last time. That was a very special moment for me - and probably for her, too.

I really have been so overwhelmed since labor began on Wednesday morning that I haven't had much time to think about Ada. I mean, of course I thought about her, but there was just SO much going on at the hospital. Today though, I wheeled Eleanor down the hall to get her picture made right before we were ready to leave. I stopped for a minute next to the room where Ada was born, and then next door at the room where Eleanor was born. When I finally got into the wheelchair to leave and they put Eleanor in the car seat on me, it hit me. I was leaving the hospital with a baby in my arms. A live baby. Not a box of ashes. Then later when we pulled up in the driveway and I saw the beautiful balloons that Hunter and a friend had gotten to put on our mailbox, I finally let myself cry. It was such a mixture of emotions - I am SO HAPPY that Eleanor is here! I love her so much! Yet, I miss Ada. She never got to have all this fanfare or a happy ending. I wish I could have them both here.

She's here!!!

Eleanor Elizabeth arrived at 9:30 am on July 22 after a very quick labor. She weighs 7 lb, 3 oz and is 22" long. We are so thankful for our new beautiful girl!

Meeting Eleanor!

Our sweet Eleanor

Mom and baby

Update from the hospital

We got to the hospital at 4:00 yesterday afternoon, and when I got on the monitor we discovered that I was already having pretty regular but very mild contractions. (I didn't even realize I was having them!) I was already 60% effaced and 2 cm dilated. They put the cervadil in around 6:30 pm and the nurse just took it out at 5:00 am this morning. I got a shot to help me sleep, but I only actually slept for maybe 2 hours. I was able to rest all night though.

This morning when the nurse came in to take out the cervadil, my water broke! It may have already broken during the night, but I didn't realize it because there wasn't much (if anything) leaking out. She did an exam and I am now 2-3 cm and 80% effaced. I am also having much more uncomfortable contractions.

I requested to not be in the same room where I delivered Ada, but I am right next door to it. We walked the halls a little last night and it was sad to walk past there, but not too bad. We both agreed that we're glad we did a hospital tour and took all of those classes here during the last couple of months - it's made it so much easier to be here again. The nurse who was there when Ada was born stopped by to say hi. She remembered us, which was really nice. All of the other nurses have been really nice. One of them even asked questions about Ada - she lost a baby too. She said she wasn't nearly as far along as I was, but I know it hurts badly at any point. She told me that if I needed to cry a little bit today that it's okay. She said that she knows everybody expects you to be over something like that after 2 weeks, but of course you're not. Anyway, I just really appreciated her coming to talk to us like that even though it wasn't really one of her duties. I am in good hands here!

Next week

I had a little change in plans due to my doctor's schedule, so I'm now going in to the hospital on Tuesday instead of Monday. I won't go in until the afternoon when they'll start the cervadil, and then the pitocin starts early the next morning. So, Eleanor should be arriving on Wednesday (I hope) or potentially even Thursday. I just wanted to put that up here in case anyone thought I was going in on Monday still.

Happy 1st birthday, Ada!

Dear Ada,

Today is your first birthday. I can't believe that it has been one whole year since you were born. I will never forget that day because it was the day I got to meet you and hold you. I loved touching your tiny little fingers and toes and marveling at how perfect you were.

I have thought about you every single day over the past year. Sometimes I think about you and I am overcome with sadness, but other days I think about you and I smile because I love you so much.

Today your dad and I spent the whole day together to celebrate and remember you. First, we went to the beach at sunrise. We went to the exact same spot where we scattered your ashes last July and we sat there for a long time. Just like last year, we watched the sun rise, the crabs play in the waves, and the birds fly along the water. We talked about you and all of the things that we miss. We talked about bringing your little sister to the beach next year on your birthday. We talked about how much we've changed over the last year.

After a relaxing morning (your dad made pancakes!), we went to lunch at one of our favorite places and went to see the new Harry Potter movie. We enjoyed just spending some time together doing something fun. When we got home, we were so excited about a package that arrived. Your great aunt Shirley sent us a snowglobe that is so beautiful and perfect - it immediately brought tears to my eyes. It says, "We never lose the ones we love... they live on in our hearts." Your name and birthday are engraved on it. You never even got the chance to learn this, but I collect snowglobes. This is definitely the most special one I have ever received.

We spent a while this afternoon looking through your box. We stared at your ultrasound pictures - I especially love the ones of your little hands and feet. We looked at the one picture we have of you wrapped in the blanket from your grandmother and we compared the size of your little hand to the letters on the blanket. You were just so tiny! I love holding your blanket and remembering what it was like to hold you inside of it. I wish I could have held you forever.

Finally, we made strawberry cupcakes for you. (We certainly are enjoying them too!) Your dad really thinks you would have like spiced gumdrops since he does, so I let him put gumdrops on some of them. I think they're kind of gross though, so the rest of the cupcakes have sprinkles. I tried to spell out your name, but as you can see from the picture it didn't work very well.

Ada, you are loved by many - so many people told me that they were thinking of you today. I just wish I could have watched you grow up this past year. You will always be my firstborn, and I love you and miss you so much. Happy 1st birthday, sweet girl.

Gallery update

I had a bunch of different posts with gallery pictures, but I went back and updated the original post so they're all in one place. Click here to see Ada's gallery and all of the places where she has traveled!

The worst day of my life

One year ago today was the worst day of my life. It was a Monday, and by Sunday night I knew something wasn't right. I was beginning to realize that I hadn't felt Ada move in a while - I wasn't sure how long - and I remember crying before going to sleep that night because I was so worried. I was still in denial though. Deep down I knew something was wrong, but I was sure that we were going to find out that there was some explanation and that everything was okay. Hunter normally leaves for work pretty early, but that day he said he would wait until I called the doctor. I called when the doctor's office opened and the nurse told me to try drinking juice, lying on my side, and counting the kicks. I was supposed to do this twice for an hour each time. I remember telling Hunter that he should just go to work and that everything was going to be okay (denial!), but he knew better and said he would just stay home until he was sure. Little did we know that it would be over a week before he went back to work.

I called the nurse back after 2 hours to report no movement and she scheduled my ultrasound. We had to leave right then to get there in time for the appointment. I'll never forget sitting in the waiting room, being called back for the ultrasound, and telling the student that I was worried about a lack of movement. I'll never forget what the student or the ultrasound tech looked like. I'll never forget their faces when they realized something was wrong. I had to ask the ultrasound tech if there was a heartbeat - she wouldn't just say it and I needed to hear it. I'll never forget how I felt the minute I realized this was really happening or the expression on Hunter's face when I looked over at him. I am thankful beyond words that he stayed with me all morning!

We went back to the doctor and all that I really remember was her telling us to come to the hospital the next morning and that we needed to make arrangements with a funeral home. My mom, who was 5 minutes away from going to the airport to visit her mother for a few days, instead put her suitcase in the car and drove to our house. My brother and sister-in-law brought us dinner that night. And Hunter and I cried. And cried.

Today I'm remembering that horrible day, but I'm trying not to dwell on it too much. Instead, we're looking forward to Thursday when we're going to celebrate Ada's life. It's her birthday, after all. I'd much rather celebrate the day that I got to hold my firstborn child than focus on such a horrible day. Yet, I can't help but think about how July 14, 2008 changed my life forever.

Fears

I am being induced in 8 days, and I'm getting more and more terrified with each day. No, I'm not afraid of the pain or the drugs or the pushing or the tearing or those first attempts at breastfeeding or calming a crying baby (although I probably should be!) - I'm afraid that something is going to happen between now and then. I have learned way too much about stillbirth over the past year and heard so many heartbreaking stories. A few stories in particular stand out in my mind and they all have to do with losing the baby at the very last minute. In some ways I am thankful that I am a wiser, more sensitive person than I was a year ago, but sometimes I just wish I could have my innocence back!

So while most women in my shoes would be counting down the days and getting excited, I am counting down the days until I can stop being a nervous wreck. Well, that's probably an exaggeration, but there are several times a day when my mind goes to the "what ifs" and I start to freak out. For the most part I've been very positive during this pregnancy, but all of the doubts and worries are starting to creep in. It doesn't really help that Eleanor is running out of space in there and isn't moving quite as much as she used to. I still feel her move every few hours (and thankfully I JUST felt her as I was writing this so I'm not in one of those "freak out" moods at the moment), but sometimes I wish I could just be permanently hooked up to a fetal monitor so I could have constant reassurance. At this point I've had 12 non-stress tests, so I seriously could give one to myself! Even the nurse at my OB's office agrees with me on that!

Physically I'm feeling pretty good at this point. Sure, I have a little backache, heartburn, and extremely swollen feet/ankles, but I really don't mind. I just wish I could get all of these worries out of my head and enjoy these last days of pregnancy. I am going to miss some of the fun stuff like watching my belly move around on its own!

Some articles

I just wanted to share these links with you...

I got these first ones from Bree. This article was in the Washington Post and it talks about why doctors don't really discuss stillbirth. I didn't even know that stillbirth is 10 times more common than SIDS and there are 2 1/2 times more stillbirths than AIDS deaths in the US each year. Then this is a follow-up column where the writer answered readers' questions.

This was in my paper today. Norris Burkes is a chaplain who writes a weekly column that's in our paper, and today's column was about dealing with a family who just lost their baby shortly after birth. Click here to read it.

Just some thoughts

Ada died one year ago this week. I don't know exactly what day she died, but when I called the doctor and had my ultrasound on July 14, they said that she had probably been gone for as long as a week. I think she died sometime between July 8-10, but I'll never know exactly when it happened.

Now that I am so used to feeling Eleanor kick, sometimes I can't believe it took me days to notice that Ada wasn't moving. What if I had noticed sooner? Could we have caught it while she was still alive and done something to save her? I seriously doubt it. Still, it doesn't keep me from having that thought sometimes. I really don't blame myself for that though (at least not much), because it was my first time being pregnant and I had only been feeling her kick for about 2-3 weeks before she stopped. I was still getting used to the feeling, and I know there were times after she died that I did think I had felt her. I knew they weren't strong kicks, and I was never positive that they were her and not my stomach or something, but the sensation was so new to me that I was still figuring it out.

Emotionally this week has been hard on me, but not nearly as hard as I had expected. It absolutely helps that I'm preoccupied with making sure we have everything ready for Eleanor. This week I got the carseat installed, washed the last of her clothes, took a newborn care class at the hospital, and had my final ultrasound. (She's 7 lb, 2 oz at 36 weeks! Whoa!) I've also been doing some "me" stuff like getting a haircut and having lunch with friends while I still have time for that sort of thing. But like any parent of more than one child, being busy with one child doesn't mean you forget about your other children.

I'm being induced in 10 days, but Ada's birthday is just 6 days away. I told Hunter that I plan to make pink cupcakes that day, and he really wants me to put spiced gumdrops on top. Yes, that was as random when he said it as it seems to you reading this. I told him that I don't like gumdrops, and he said that the spiced gumdrops are so good and he knows that Ada would have liked them. (Translation: he likes them and wants them on the cupcakes.) We laughed and talked about how easy it is for either of us to just say what it is that we think she would have liked. It's funny, but it's also very sad, because of course we'll never know. Still, maybe she would have liked spiced gumdrops like him, so I plan to put them on top. He was actually kind of serious about it I think.

Last night we took a newborn care class at the hospital where we learned how to give the baby a sponge bath (before the cord falls off), swaddle, etc. They had us practice on dolls and they gave us those green and pink striped hospital blankets that every hospital seems to have. Ada was wrapped in one of those blankets the first time I held her. As I looked at the stained blanket I was using last night, I realized that there is a *tiny* possibility that it was the same blanket I used with Ada. Yes, I'm sure the hospital has a thousand of those blankets and the one used on Ada might even be thrown away at this point, but it made me smile a little to think that I might be touching something that touched her once. (Of course, I have the pink one at home that she was wrapped in later, but this would have been the first blanket to touch her.) I just miss her and I can't believe it's been one year since she left us. We are very different people than we were one year ago.

Ada Elizabeth

One year ago today we FINALLY found out that Ada was a girl - I think I was at 22 weeks. She didn't cooperate on our big 18 week ultrasound, but the doctor was very nice to do another ultrasound for us there in the office. After we got home, Hunter and I took a walk and we decided for sure to name her Ada Elizabeth. It's what we knew we probably wanted to go with if she was a girl, but we never decided that 100% until then. The rest of the day was so fun, because we got to call and email everybody with the big news.

I've thought about Ada several times today, and I looked at her picture for a while earlier. None of this made me too sad or even made me cry - I just miss her. I miss all of the excitement. If she had been born on her due date she would be just about 8 months old now. She would be eating solid food, smiling, sitting, and maybe crawling or learning to pull herself up. I just wish I had the chance to see her grow up.

New blog

Many of you know that I have another blog where I post about other stuff going on in my life, including this pregnancy with Eleanor. I decided to change the URL, and I'm going to keep it a bit more personal. Several of you who have been faithful readers can't see it anymore though, and I want you to be able to. So please, if you want to see my other blog, just send me an email at adasmama@yahoo.com. I've also posted it on Facebook for those of you who know me.

How to remember?

I need help. Ada's first birthday is quickly approaching on July 16, and I don't know what to do to celebrate/remember her. We plan to go back to the beach where we spread her ashes at sunrise, but that's it. Really, Hunter kind of needs to work that day because only 4 days later I'll be going back to the hospital to deliver Eleanor. But then again, if he's taking off a week or two for her, shouldn't he take off a day for Ada, too? We haven't actually discussed this yet...I'm really just thinking out loud here.

I feel like I've been so preoccupied with Eleanor that I've almost forgotten about this upcoming date. Sometimes I fear that Eleanor is slowly replacing Ada. I know that's not true, and I know that none of the people who care about me have forgotten Ada, but it's certainly a lot more exciting to talk about the upcoming birth of my healthy baby than it is to sadly remember where we were a year ago. Eleanor will probably be born on July 21 - one year to the day after Ada's memorial service.

So back to my point - what should we do to remember Ada's short little life? All suggestions are welcome.

Yay for us!

Within the first month after losing Ada, I started reading lots of blogs by women in my shoes and I was eventually inpired to start this one. Over the next few months those women became my support group. None of us have ever met in person, but we've helped each other through some really difficult times just by reading and commenting on each other's blogs.

I realized something tonight - every one of the women whose blogs I've followed closely fom the beginning is now pregnant again! Congratulations Tamara, Stephanie, Jen, Holly, Hollie P., Jessica, and Jennifer! Some of us got here through fertility drugs and in vitro fertilization, and some of us got here the old fashioned way. However it happened, yay for us! I cannot wait to see pictures of all of your rainbow babies! And congratulations to Kara, who already has her baby here! Seriously, one day we need to have a reunion. (Is it a reunion if we've never met...?)

For those of you who are reading this and are not here yet (and I realize some of you may not want to get pregnant again), you're not forgotten either. It's a difficult journey, as any of these women could tell you. Don't lose hope.

One year ago

One year ago today I got what I thought might be the worst news of my life. (At that point, it may have been, but the news I got 26 days later definitely was worse.) I was at a teaching conference in Atlanta, 9 hours away from my husband, when my doctor called to say that Ada's AFP test showed an elevated risk of Down's Syndrome. It didn't mean that she had it, but it just meant that there was a higher possibility than usual and we needed to get a Level 2 ultrasound.

I was a wreck. I called Hunter and I lost it. He was so upset that he called the doctor back to ask her more questions about the test. We both spent the rest of the afternoon researching that test and discovering that it gives LOTS of false positives. Still, we were so afraid that we might not be so lucky.

I still had 2 more days at the conference, and it was so hard for me to concentrate. I could not wait to get home to Hunter. Then, the next day, I got a phone call from my nurse saying that the lab may have miscalculated the results! What?! Apparently my birthday was written down differently in two places and the age of the mother is a big factor in determining the risk. It wasn't until the following Tuesday morning that we found out that the results were indeed miscalculated. Whew! Crisis averted! The baby was okay! At least, for a few more weeks...

This week I am virtually attending that same conference in Atlanta. I wasn't quite sure about traveling at this point in the pregnancy, and Hunter was completely against it. So, I've been using Skype all week to talk to everybody there. It's been pretty interesting! So, once again I am pregnant at this conference. And once again I am hoping that everything is okay with my baby. I just hope that the outcome this year is totally different. All I want is to hold my healthy baby.

Caught off guard

The other night I was in Eleanor's room happily cutting tags off of all of her new little socks and hats. I can't bring myself to do that to her clothes yet. For a while, I didn't do it because I was afraid of the possibility of the ultrasound being wrong about the gender, but I think after 3 level 2 ultrasounds, 2 of them with VERY clear shots of her girl parts, I shouldn't worry about that. Still, I feel like it's bad luck or something. So, I decided that I could do it for the socks and hats as a step in that direction.

Suddenly, I mean totally out of the blue, I burst into tears. There was really no specific thought that triggered this, but it doesn't take a genius to figure out that it must be because I never got to this point in preparing for Ada. I had a few little outfits for her, but nothing like the drawers full that I have now for Eleanor. I cried big fat tears for several minutes and I couldn't make myself stop. It actually felt good though. Sometimes I have this fear that I'm slowly forgetting about Ada, but moments like that remind me that her memory is still very real for me.

On another note, my cat Lincoln is still missing. It's been two full weeks now, and we've pretty much lost hope. Hunter reminds me that he once had a cat come back after disappearing for 3 months, but we are both pretty sure that Lincoln's dead. She's almost 7 years old, slowly going blind, and has never been away from our house for more than about 2 nights until now. There's a lot of wildlife around us including snakes, bobcats, and probably even alligators, so we're assuming the worst. Her sister Penny, on the other hand, has been quite clingy lately. She stays inside more than ever before and she curls up with me all the time. I love this cat so much, but I miss her sister. I just keep telling myself that I have done EVERYTHING I can for Lincoln (calling vets, visiting shelters, posting signs, etc.) but now I just have to accept what's happened and appreciate the cat that I still have. I love them both, but it's so hard to lose one. Sound familiar?

Lincoln & Penny almost 7 years ago. They were the runts.
(Lincoln is the lighter one.)

Sweet sisters

They were so tiny when we got them that we had to feed them with bottles.

Lincoln is always up to something!

Pictures like this remind me of why we let them go outside. I'm glad that Lincoln had 7 good years of exploring the world.

Beautiful Penny

Not as hard as I expected

Yesterday we had the tour at the hospital and I saw the room where I delivered Ada. It's the only place where I ever held or saw her. I also saw the nursery, which I assume is where they kept her. I saw where they took her first and only picture. I saw the kitchen where I sent my poor husband multiple times to get ice for me because my temperature was 102 and I felt like I was going to die.

I also saw other delivery rooms - there are only 5 total, and I've requested to not be in the same one where I was last time. A small part of me thinks it would be nice for my two daughters to be born in the same room, but I think the memories would be too overwhelming. I saw a warmer like the one where Eleanor will go when she's born. I saw the room where you stay for the next 48 hours after you deliver. I saw lots of things that made me excited about returning to the hospital for Eleanor's birth. The whole tour really wasn't as hard as I expected, and now I am not worried about what it will be like when I go there on July 20 when I deliver. (Yes, July 20! We have a date! It's 4 days after Ada's first birthday.)

On a different note, today I had another baby shower. It was actually at my house because it was the most central location for everyone, and it was so fun. My sister-in-law and a good friend of mine hosted it and I really enjoyed the delicious food, time with friends, and of course fun gifts for Eleanor. Monica, my sister-in-law, had some candles to light and she had the idea for me to light Ada's candle. My sister and her friend bought Ada's candle for her memorial service last summer and I've only lit it a few times since then. I always keep it sitting out, but I don't want it to run out. Anyway, I'm glad Monica thought to have me light it today - Ada was present with us at the shower. Also, Monica created a fun little quiz for the shower with questions about Eleanor (What does her name mean? What's one place where she's already traveled? etc.) and one of the questions was, "What is Eleanor's sister's name?" I'm pretty sure everybody got that one right. I'm so lucky to have friends and family that recognize Ada and her place in our family.

Buildings with memories

Tonight I am going back to the hospital where Ada was born, and I'm a little nervous about it. The only time I've ever been there was to deliver her. We're taking an infant CPR class and we'll just be in a classroom somewhere, but what I'm really nervous about is Saturday. We're taking a childbirth class which is on the L&D floor, and the class includes a tour. I couldn't pick out the room where I was for those 2 days (I intentionally looked at the floor as they were taking us the room because I didn't want to see all of the cute happy baby stuff I imagined was hanging on everybody's doors), but I know the room number is written down somewhere. I think I'm going to look it up, just so I know which room it was and I don't constantly keep wondering, "Was this the room?" It's probably good for us to go back to the hospital before it's time for Eleanor to come though, because this way we can get used to being there now instead of when I'm being induced and there's already so much going on.

One of our two cats has been missing for almost 6 days now, and it's been really sad. One of the things I've done to find her is to call local vets and leave a description of her. One vet wanted me to come by and post something on their bulletin board, so I did. This vet is right next door to the funeral home where I picked up Ada's ashes. I've driven past there quite a few times, but it's in this whole complex of buildings so I never really notice it. Well, I did yesterday, and all I could think about was leaving that building with my daughter in a small white cardboard box. No parent should ever, ever have to do that.

Ada's Gallery

Well, not only did Ada recently travel to Australia, but she went to Greece as well! Stephanie, Malou's mama, took these pictures at Panormas beach on the island of Tinos. How beautiful!



Thanks to Mirna for these next pictures! Little does she know that when I was about 7-8 years old I had an obsession with Australia and wanted to live there when I grew up. (I wanted to work with koalas, of course.) My obsession has faded, but I would still LOVE to visit. I'm glad that Ada has already gotten the chance!

Ada on the Gold Coast

Ada at Point Danger

Ada with Southport in the background

This one is from Lea from Ontario:

This beautiful butterfly is from Bree in San Diego!

This is from another friend of mine - taken at Sapelo Island, GA. Thanks Emily N!

A friend of mine from college took these pictures when she was visiting Cannon Beach, Oregon recently. Thanks Emily B.!

Ada in Coolangatta, Australia

Thank you Mirna!

Ada got her first submission to the gallery! This is from Heather in Ontario, Canada. Thanks Heather! Charlotte, Benjamin, and Aaron are remembering Ada:

Ada at the GA Aquarium

I will continue to add to this post as I get more pictures. I can't wait to see where Ada will go next!

By the way, I should add that Ada was a pretty well traveled baby even before she was born. She went to California, Nevada, Arizona, New Mexico (barely), Colorado, Utah, Georgia, Florida, South Carolina, North Carolina, Tennessee, and Kentucky. She visited 6 national parks, her great-aunt in Kentucky, her second cousins in Kentucky, both of her grandmothers' houses, and one of her grandfather's houses. That's pretty good for 5 1/2 months!