Cleaning out the closet

We have been cleaning out our house and preparing for a yard sale. It's amazing how much STUFF you accumulate once you settle down and stop moving every year. Anyway, I was cleaning out our closet and I came across the bag I got at my OB's office when I had my first appointment after I got pregnant with Ada. I put all of the paperwork, free samples, magazines, and other stuff that I accumulated from my doctor's visits in that bag. Somehow, it got pushed to the back of the closet and I never noticed it. Well, I went through it last night and I had to look at every single stupid little thing. I searched for the date on everything! The sample pregnancy vitamins? They expire in January. The Huggies coupons? They expired last December. The various magazines were all dated around April or May of 2008.

I told Hunter about everything when I finished and how I thought it was weird that I wanted to see the date on everything. He said, "You needed to be reminded that it was real." And that's the truth. Sometimes it seems like Ada's short little life never happened. All I have is her footprints, the snowglobe from my aunt, her box, and two ornaments on the tree to remind me. (I posted about both of them last year here and here. I made a new one for Eleanor this year that's green - it looks so great with Ada's!)

I also realized last night that I think I have made it to the final stage of grief: Acceptance. It doesn't mean I'm "over it" (because we all know that's impossible!), but I have reached a point where I am at peace. I miss Ada, but thoughts of her don't consume me like they once did. Did having another baby help? Absolutely. It doesn't mean that Eleanor has taken Ada's place - Ada will always be my firstborn - but they say that when you lose a child you lose your future, and Eleanor has given that back to me. I love Ada deeply, but I have learned how to be happy again. I like to think that Ada would have wanted it that way.