Costa Rica

In several hours we will be leaving on our big trip that wasn't meant to be. I used to feel kind of guilty that we were going, but I don't feel that way anymore. Instead, I'm very excited about our week in Costa Rica. Still, it's sad to me. I was supposed to be staying home this year instead of taking a big trip like we usually do. We were supposed to be loving our little baby Ada and getting to know her more every day. I miss her - Christmas this year was harder than I expect it to be.

If you want to follow our trip or see the picture from the ultrasound, visit my other blog. I probably won't be writing much on here over the next week or so. I hope everybody who reads this blog has a wonderful new year!

Surprised by grief

So Christmas somehow snuck up on me. I think I've been so preoccupied lately with preparing for family to come in to town, getting ready for our trip to Costa Rica, and worrying about the ultrasound this morning with baby #2. Well, the family is here, the trip is a few days away and there's not much to do right now, and the ultrasound went great this morning. Then tonight I went to the Christmas Eve service at my brother and sister-in-law's church, and it hit me. Ada is not here. It's Christmas, and Ada is missing.

I had already thought about Ada earlier today. When I went to the doctor, I made the mistake of opening her brag book that she keeps in the waiting room. Suddenly I was looking at lots of healthy newborn babies - and of course, Ada is one baby my doctor delivered who will never be in her brag book. That was a little too much for me. I was also annoyed by a new person in the office who, to make conversation while taking my blood pressure, asked, "So, is this your first baby?" That lady has a lot to learn about working in an OB office! (My answer, in case you're wondering, was that it's my second pregnancy.) I was sooooo relieved and happy to see the healthy baby and heartbeat on the ultrasound and I immediately got tears in my eyes - but they were happy tears.

So anyway, tonight as I was walking to my seat at church I saw several people oohing and aahing over a tiny little baby boy. I sat down, and the pastor mentioned that there would be a baptism during the service (that's infant baptism at this church). They started playing, "What Child is This," and I cried. All of the tears that I had been holding back just came out. All I could think about is that my baby is not here with me. I am so excited about this baby on the way, but it doesn't replace my baby girl. It's Christmas, and I miss her.

The day we found out that Ada had died, my sister-in-law gave me a book of poems about losing a child. I thought I should share this one tonight:

It's Christmas

It's Christmas,
the baby in the manger,
joy to the world, and I am filled with fear.

It's Christmas,
the baby is in danger,
peace upon earth, my soul is filled with tears.

It's Christmas,
the baby is in the straw,
I see all tiny babies, my soul is filled with awe.

A great weekend

This weekend we went to South Carolina, where we used to live until last summer, to visit my in-laws and lots of our friends. It was even worth the 18 hours in the car! We had fun visiting with everybody, but there are a few moments that stand out to me...

One of my best friends since sixth grade said, "So, when am I throwing you a baby shower?" I told her that May is probably good because I don't want to travel at all in the 3rd trimester, but I had a really hard time even saying that. I have a hard time making plans for the future that involve this baby. I suppose that's normal, especially after a loss, but I want to be excited about this baby and its future! I have my ultrasound on Wednesday morning, so hopefully that will help. I know that's what made Ada "real" to me.

On Saturday I got to hold two different babies. Hope was born in April and Eric was born in August. Every time I see both of them I smile, because they're so cute and I loved seeing how they have grown since the last time I saw them in September. I thought about Ada and how she was supposed to be born in 2008, too. The three of them should have grown up playing together whenever the group of us gets together, but it actually didn't make me too sad. There will be another baby, and they will still all play together. Besides, those babies are so cute that it's impossible to sad around them!

We visited our old church on Sunday morning and so many people came up to talk to us...they were all so nice! Most of them knew we're expecting again and they all knew about Ada. During the service I thought about all of the memories that I have in that sanctuary. Some are silly, like I remember the Sunday after we got engaged and I sat there playing with my diamond and watching all of the colors from the stained glass windows reflected in it. Some are sad, like talking with the pastor when my dad left my mom a couple of years ago. Most are really happy though, mainly our own wedding, and also my friend Emily's wedding there this summer. I was just over 4 months pregnant and I was definitely showing. I was in the wedding, and I remember walking down the aisle and thinking that I either needed to suck in my belly or stick it way out so it would be more obvious that I was pregnant...and of course I chose to stick it out! I remember looking across the sanctuary during the ceremony at Hunter and thinking about how far we had come since our own wedding in the same room 5 1/2 years earlier. Anyway, this past Sunday it brought tears to my eyes to think that I will never get to bring Ada to that wonderful church that has been so good to us. After church Courtney, the pastor who did our wedding and also insisted on flying down here to do Ada's service in our home, told me that he prays for me almost every day. It was very touching to hear that, and it challenged me - who could I say that to?

When we went to Hunter's mom's house, she and Hunter's step-dad were wearing the ribbons I made them for Oct. 15. That was such a nice gesture. We all went to the Melting Pot for dinner instead of exchanging any gifts. Again, I found myself thinking that Ada should be there with her family at Christmas, but everybody was also excited about the baby on the way.

Finally, we spent last night at the home of some of our friends, and they gave us a beautiful ornament. The card said that they will all be remembering Ada this Christmas, and I put a picture of the ornament below. It made me cry (of course :) ) and I was so touched that other people are thinking about Ada this Christmas too. It's nice that the ornament that I made for her won't be the only "Ada ornament" on the tree. My life was not the only life that was touched by Ada's, and that's so good to know. The ornament is perfect.

The mail

For the last few months, checking the mail has become really important to me. Some days I get things I get things that cheer me up and other days I get mail that makes me sad. Today's was kind of bittersweet. I got a Christmas card from my sister, and in it she enclosed the list of poinsettias that had been donated at her church. They are all given in honor or memory of somebody, and she gave one in memory of Ada. I don't know why, but that was really touching to me. I burst into tears - which kind of surprised me - and cried for a couple of minutes. I'm so thankful that my sister did this and remembers Ada with me, but I'm also so sad that Ada is not with us at Christmas this year. I'm very grateful to my sister...what a thoughtful thing to do.

I also got a survey about infant nutrition. It wanted to know what my baby was fed in the hospital, what I've fed the baby over the last 30 days and over the last 7 days. I know this is stupid, but I was actually kind of mad that there was nothing to check on the survey that said, "I never fed my baby anything because she was born dead. My milk even came in and I had intended to breastfeed, but there was no baby to feed." I mean, why isn't THAT an option?? :)

Giving thanks IN all circumstances

This past Sunday, I felt like the sermon could have been written for me. The pastor talked about 1 Thessalonians 5:16-18 which says, "Be joyful always; pray continually; give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus." He talked about how this verse can be hard to hear when we go through hard times, and especially for those who are dealing with grief or stress or worry as we approach Christmas. The main point he made - my favorite point - was that this scripture says to give thanks in all circumstances, not for all circumstances. So while I will never, ever be thankful for Ada's death, I can find things to be thankful for that have come from her death.

As he was still preaching (I may have missed a few other points...), I started thinking about the day that we found out that Ada had died. That night my brother and sister-in-law brought dinner over to us and pretty much just sat with us. We were so thankful for their company. Our family always prays before a meal, but I couldn't do it. I asked them to, and neither of them wanted to either - what do you say?? So, Hunter, who normally never prays out loud, said one of the most beautiful prayers I have ever heard. "Thank you for the time we had with Ada and for letting us get to know her." Despite the horrible, devastating news we received that morning, he was able to give thanks in - but certainly not for - those circumstances.

Later in the sermon, the pastor talked about when his own father died and how, when his wife found out, she just sat with him and wept with him. He talked about how the greatest gift when you're grieving is to have somebody else weep with you. For the second time in about 10 minutes, I had to hold back my tears in church. I don't know how I would have dealt with Ada's death if I had not had Hunter to cry with - or the support of so many family members and friends. So thank you, those of you who know me and have supported me, for grieving with me. He was right - it is a wonderful gift.

I want to include the affirmation of faith that we said this Sunday. We normally say the Apostle's Creed, but during Advent we seem to be doing different ones every week. I like this one.

I believe that the eternal Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, who out of nothing created heaven and earth and everything in them, who still upholds and rules them with love, is my God and Father because of Christ his Son. I trust him so much that I do not doubt that God will provide whatever I need for body and soul, and God will turn to good whatever adversity I face in this sad world. God is able to do this because God is almighty; God desires to do this because God is a faithful Father. Amen.

Seriously?

I just got a bill from the nursery at the hospital:

Admission date: 7/16/08
Discharge date: 7/16/08
Patient name: Baby M. (our last name)

Total charges: $361.50

We don't owe anything yet because hopefully the insurance will cover most of it, but I was just really surprised to see this.

Update: After I first posted this, my husband told me that he already knew about it. Our insurance company has responded to this bill by saying that they don't know what this is about. I guess they're wondering who Baby M is and why that baby is not our dependent on the insurance now. Fortunately, I have a wonderful husband and he's taking care of all of the yucky phone calls and paperwork. He was also the one to do all of the paperwork for the funeral home - and there was a lot. I'm so thankful for him.

Paperwork

I went to the doctor today for all of the initial pregnancy paperwork. I had to fill out the exact same forms from last time, only it was a very different experience this time. I didn't realize I would get so emotional when I had to fill out this stuff. I was fighting back tears for a while. Here's a few of the items I answered:

Number of past pregnancies: 1
Living children: 0

Date pregnancy ended (yes, that's what it said!): July 16, 2008
Gestational weeks: 24
Weight of baby: 1 lb, 10 oz
Complications: Stillborn

Have you ever had multiple miscarriages or a stillbirth: yes
Have you ever had a baby born before 37 weeks gestation: yes
Have you ever had a baby born under 5 lbs: yes

Then, I had to fill out this screening thing for people who need assistance. It asks questions about if you smoke, drink, if you're under 18, if you wanted this pregnancy to happen, etc. I wasn't quite sure about how to answer the question, "In the last month, I have felt depressed or helpless." I said no, which was probably untruthful. But then again, I do know that I'm a lot better off this month than I was last month. I'm still grieving my daughter who was still with me 5 months ago - what do you expect? I was honest about the fact that I've been to counseling. (By the way, my last session was last night and we decided to not make any more appointments. I imagine I might go back at some point during this pregnancy, but not on a regular basis.)

The nurse gave me the same exact freebies and the same packet of information that I just got in March. She kept telling me stuff I already knew. I guess not many people have two pregnancies in one year. I really should read back over everything though, because I glanced at the diet section and I had forgotten how much fruit they recommend. I've been focusing more on protein and dairy, because that's what I'm always the worst about eating.

My doctor's office sees all of the newly pregnant people on the same day, so as I looked around there were two other people filling out the same paperwork. I noticed that the girl next to me didn't fill out anything in the past pregnancy section. That was me - last time. I wonder if she's as ignorant as I was. I now know that the phrase "ignorance is bliss" is so true.

The dentist

I went to the dentist last March, just a couple of weeks after I found out I was pregnant. It was the 21st, actually - I remember because I was at the dentist while my nephew was born! Anyway, the dentist told me to just make my next appointment for after the baby was born because they would need to do x-rays the next time. So, I made my appointment for December 10 at 10:00 in the morning - after all, I would be home on maternity leave, right?

In August, I actually had the presence of mind to call the dentist and schedule an appointment for a cleaning then. I knew we would be trying again, and I didn't want to take any risks with x-rays. They canceled my December appointment - or at least, they were supposed to.

So, today I was pretty shocked to hear a message from the dentist confirming my appointment for tomorrow. I called back and the lady was nice enough and canceled the appointment. I didn't explain the situation or anything, but the weird part was that I really wanted to. I have this need to tell everybody about what I've been though to the point that it's ridiculous. I normally don't, though, because I realize that would be kind of weird. It's just that Ada's life never gets any recognition from anybody besides me or family and a close friend or two, and that seems so wrong. She was a person, and everybody should know about her.

Last night I thought about how she should be here for Christmas, and it makes me so sad. Yes, I am happy that there's a baby on the way - it helps so much - but it doesn't take away the pain of losing Ada. What would I have gotten her for Christmas? What would I have put in her stocking? Would she be smiling yet? Would she just sleep through the whole event? I'll never know.

I think about the new baby a lot, too. I keep fixating on whether this baby is going to be a girl or a boy. If it's a boy, that might be a good thing because it will force me to see this baby as its own person and not as a "replacement" in any way. I love my little nephew so much, and I know I would love having a boy. If it's a girl, I would also be thrilled. I feel like I was robbed of having a daughter, and I'm so afraid I might never have another girl. I know that's selfish, but I can't help it. I was just SO EXCITED to having a girl. Yet, if it is a girl, I'm afraid that I might feel like I'm replacing Ada, and I don't want that at all. Of course, either way, all that I really care about is that the baby is healthy.

Ada's Ornament

I picked up Ada's ornament from the pottery place tonight. It looks pretty good. It's very simple, and that's how I wanted it. When I got home, Hunter and I put it on the tree together. It was surprisingly emotional for me. I don't think I've cried since I found out I am pregnant, but I definitely did tonight. I told Hunter that Ada is supposed to be here. I'm very happy about the tiny little baby growing inside of me, but I miss Ada. I will always miss Ada.

I haven't been completely happy with my church lately for several reasons, but one is that I feel like nobody there cares our loss. I think they consider it a thing of the past and have probably forgotten about it. (As a side note, I haven't told anybody at church yet that I'm pregnant. I don't really feel like sharing that there. Yet.) Anyway, last night I realized why some people might not be so sympathetic - I don't think they understand. Yesterday the youth were having a conversation about how many times they had been in the hospital (lots of ER experiences) and I quietly said to the lady I work with - the person I know the best in the entire church - that I've only been in the hospital once. She said, "Was it the ER?" I answered, "No, the maternity ward...for delivery." She was quiet for a minute, and then started asking questions. She had no idea that I was induced and in labor with my dead baby. On the one hand, I think to myself that I was 5 1/2 months along - how did she think that the baby came out? But for the most part, I understand. You often don't know what people are going through unless you've been there yourself. She's nearly 50 years old, but she doesn't have any children herself so she probably hasn't thought this through too well. Later on I decided to open up to her a little bit more and show her Ada's picture if she wanted to see it, but she had to go. I don't know if I'll bring it back up again. Nobody wants to hear about it, right? It seems like I get myself in this situation a lot. I can be such an introvert that it takes me a while to open up to somebody. When I finally feel comfortable, it seems like they've moved on to something or someone else. Okay, I'm being a little dramatic here, but I do feel that way sometimes.