I went to the dentist last March, just a couple of weeks after I found out I was pregnant. It was the 21st, actually - I remember because I was at the dentist while my nephew was born! Anyway, the dentist told me to just make my next appointment for after the baby was born because they would need to do x-rays the next time. So, I made my appointment for December 10 at 10:00 in the morning - after all, I would be home on maternity leave, right?
In August, I actually had the presence of mind to call the dentist and schedule an appointment for a cleaning then. I knew we would be trying again, and I didn't want to take any risks with x-rays. They canceled my December appointment - or at least, they were supposed to.
So, today I was pretty shocked to hear a message from the dentist confirming my appointment for tomorrow. I called back and the lady was nice enough and canceled the appointment. I didn't explain the situation or anything, but the weird part was that I really wanted to. I have this need to tell everybody about what I've been though to the point that it's ridiculous. I normally don't, though, because I realize that would be kind of weird. It's just that Ada's life never gets any recognition from anybody besides me or family and a close friend or two, and that seems so wrong. She was a person, and everybody should know about her.
Last night I thought about how she should be here for Christmas, and it makes me so sad. Yes, I am happy that there's a baby on the way - it helps so much - but it doesn't take away the pain of losing Ada. What would I have gotten her for Christmas? What would I have put in her stocking? Would she be smiling yet? Would she just sleep through the whole event? I'll never know.
I think about the new baby a lot, too. I keep fixating on whether this baby is going to be a girl or a boy. If it's a boy, that might be a good thing because it will force me to see this baby as its own person and not as a "replacement" in any way. I love my little nephew so much, and I know I would love having a boy. If it's a girl, I would also be thrilled. I feel like I was robbed of having a daughter, and I'm so afraid I might never have another girl. I know that's selfish, but I can't help it. I was just SO EXCITED to having a girl. Yet, if it is a girl, I'm afraid that I might feel like I'm replacing Ada, and I don't want that at all. Of course, either way, all that I really care about is that the baby is healthy.
In August, I actually had the presence of mind to call the dentist and schedule an appointment for a cleaning then. I knew we would be trying again, and I didn't want to take any risks with x-rays. They canceled my December appointment - or at least, they were supposed to.
So, today I was pretty shocked to hear a message from the dentist confirming my appointment for tomorrow. I called back and the lady was nice enough and canceled the appointment. I didn't explain the situation or anything, but the weird part was that I really wanted to. I have this need to tell everybody about what I've been though to the point that it's ridiculous. I normally don't, though, because I realize that would be kind of weird. It's just that Ada's life never gets any recognition from anybody besides me or family and a close friend or two, and that seems so wrong. She was a person, and everybody should know about her.
Last night I thought about how she should be here for Christmas, and it makes me so sad. Yes, I am happy that there's a baby on the way - it helps so much - but it doesn't take away the pain of losing Ada. What would I have gotten her for Christmas? What would I have put in her stocking? Would she be smiling yet? Would she just sleep through the whole event? I'll never know.
I think about the new baby a lot, too. I keep fixating on whether this baby is going to be a girl or a boy. If it's a boy, that might be a good thing because it will force me to see this baby as its own person and not as a "replacement" in any way. I love my little nephew so much, and I know I would love having a boy. If it's a girl, I would also be thrilled. I feel like I was robbed of having a daughter, and I'm so afraid I might never have another girl. I know that's selfish, but I can't help it. I was just SO EXCITED to having a girl. Yet, if it is a girl, I'm afraid that I might feel like I'm replacing Ada, and I don't want that at all. Of course, either way, all that I really care about is that the baby is healthy.
4 comments:
I also have that insane need to tell everyone what happened to me. I have wondered if that will go away.
Jenna was due on Christmas Day, but our doctor said we would have been induced early due to the fact that I had pre-eclampsia with my older DD. She would have been here in time for Christmas, so I have those same thoughts.
I'm sorry you had to deal with the dentist mix up. I agree that it is so tough not being able to share our little ones the way we should. Gregory and Ada were people and I also wish everyone could know and love that little boy like I do. Hugs.
I think it's sweet the way you mention my children in your blog. I do pray that you will soon experience the joy of raising your own children. You've been such a good aunt...
Love,
Monica
Just a quick comment, since as you know we are in Central America, and the connection is not so great.
First, congratulations! I am so happy to hear your wonderful news. And second, thank you for your blog...your thoughts are SO similar to mine, and it gives me a lot of comfort.
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