I picked up Ada's ornament from the pottery place tonight. It looks pretty good. It's very simple, and that's how I wanted it. When I got home, Hunter and I put it on the tree together. It was surprisingly emotional for me. I don't think I've cried since I found out I am pregnant, but I definitely did tonight. I told Hunter that Ada is supposed to be here. I'm very happy about the tiny little baby growing inside of me, but I miss Ada. I will always miss Ada.
I haven't been completely happy with my church lately for several reasons, but one is that I feel like nobody there cares our loss. I think they consider it a thing of the past and have probably forgotten about it. (As a side note, I haven't told anybody at church yet that I'm pregnant. I don't really feel like sharing that there. Yet.) Anyway, last night I realized why some people might not be so sympathetic - I don't think they understand. Yesterday the youth were having a conversation about how many times they had been in the hospital (lots of ER experiences) and I quietly said to the lady I work with - the person I know the best in the entire church - that I've only been in the hospital once. She said, "Was it the ER?" I answered, "No, the maternity ward...for delivery." She was quiet for a minute, and then started asking questions. She had no idea that I was induced and in labor with my dead baby. On the one hand, I think to myself that I was 5 1/2 months along - how did she think that the baby came out? But for the most part, I understand. You often don't know what people are going through unless you've been there yourself. She's nearly 50 years old, but she doesn't have any children herself so she probably hasn't thought this through too well. Later on I decided to open up to her a little bit more and show her Ada's picture if she wanted to see it, but she had to go. I don't know if I'll bring it back up again. Nobody wants to hear about it, right? It seems like I get myself in this situation a lot. I can be such an introvert that it takes me a while to open up to somebody. When I finally feel comfortable, it seems like they've moved on to something or someone else. Okay, I'm being a little dramatic here, but I do feel that way sometimes.
I haven't been completely happy with my church lately for several reasons, but one is that I feel like nobody there cares our loss. I think they consider it a thing of the past and have probably forgotten about it. (As a side note, I haven't told anybody at church yet that I'm pregnant. I don't really feel like sharing that there. Yet.) Anyway, last night I realized why some people might not be so sympathetic - I don't think they understand. Yesterday the youth were having a conversation about how many times they had been in the hospital (lots of ER experiences) and I quietly said to the lady I work with - the person I know the best in the entire church - that I've only been in the hospital once. She said, "Was it the ER?" I answered, "No, the maternity ward...for delivery." She was quiet for a minute, and then started asking questions. She had no idea that I was induced and in labor with my dead baby. On the one hand, I think to myself that I was 5 1/2 months along - how did she think that the baby came out? But for the most part, I understand. You often don't know what people are going through unless you've been there yourself. She's nearly 50 years old, but she doesn't have any children herself so she probably hasn't thought this through too well. Later on I decided to open up to her a little bit more and show her Ada's picture if she wanted to see it, but she had to go. I don't know if I'll bring it back up again. Nobody wants to hear about it, right? It seems like I get myself in this situation a lot. I can be such an introvert that it takes me a while to open up to somebody. When I finally feel comfortable, it seems like they've moved on to something or someone else. Okay, I'm being a little dramatic here, but I do feel that way sometimes.
4 comments:
I love Ada's ornament. I bet that was emotional. Of course you are in love with your new baby, but you will always miss Ada. You might be right about the people at church not understanding, I feel that way in a few different "places" in my life.
I had an emotional Ada moment myself the other day when I was getting out all my Christmas things and starting to wrap some presents -- Ada should have been with us this year, and thinking about that brought tears to my eyes again. I am so sorry that she isn't here. I love you--
Pammi
Ada's ornament is wonderful!!!! It was very emotional for us to when we put Cameron's on the tree! I'm not sure what was about actually hanging it on the tree, but it got to all of us.
I think deep down it's the fact that we're hanging an ornament on a tree instead of bringing a baby home. :(
You will always, always love Ada, and no subsequent child is ever going to take that away. You will love that child just as much as you would had Ada been here, and you had gotten pregnant with her little brother or sister. I think it's a fear of all mothers - we're just not sure we have THAT much love to go around.
I was scared to death I wouldn't love Cameron as much as I did Aiden, but the minute he was born, I fell in love 100%. And now I understand.
I think that's why I'm not worried this time around. Because I know I will love this child as much as I love Aiden and Cameron.
And I so know what you mean about people not understand that we actually gave birth to our children. People think that just because we weren't 9 months along, that they just went in and scraped something out. When telling people about Cameron, I am always sure to tell them that I was in labor, gave birth and held my son. Some people knew that, but a lot are shocked. It makes me so mad sometimes!
I'm feeling sad for you right now...You have so much going on in your heart and mind, such a mix of joy and sadness. I feel for you, and it must be difficult to open up to people who are distracted and somewhat self-centered. (I know I've not always been the best person to have around since I, too, can be both of those! Isn't everyone to some extent? Or am I just making excuses?!) I pray that you continue to seek the Lord in all of these issues and emotions. I do believe He wants to bless you as you continue to seek Him--in the midst of your happiness and sorrow. And you know you're always welcome to visit our church if you're looking for a new church home. ;) That is, if you can put up with the 30-minute drive and the big screen with praise songs. Ha!
I love you.
Monica
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