Ada on my mind

Ada's been on my mind a lot the past few days. I don't know if it's the approach of the holidays or what, but it seems like there are little reminders all the time. Last night for whatever reason, I started thinking about her as I was lying in bed and trying to fall asleep. I never really think about this, but I started remembering her ashes and what they felt like in my hand. For those of you who have never seen a person's ashes, it's not exactly what you might expect. There's ash, but there are also little bits of bone mixed in. Yeah, I know it's gross, but it's reality. So last night all I could think about were those little bits of bone. I get to look at Eleanor every day and watch her grow up (and boy does she grow fast!), but with Ada the last memory I have of her is feeling those little pieces in my hand and then letting them go into the ocean. I know it's macabre and like I said I really never think about that part, but for some reason it was on my mind last night.

Then today I was at MOPS (Mothers of Preschoolers) and we've been watching this video series about adjusting to life as a mom. The videos are actually really interesting and the stories bring up some good points. In the story today though, the woman kept mentioning something about her child being her "first". She must have said that word 10 times. I almost had to get up and go to the bathroom because I was afraid I was going to start crying right then and people would think I was crazy because the story itself wasn't sad at all.

I will always call Eleanor my oldest, but I will never say that she's my first. I held the ashes of my first child and let her go. I wonder what part of the world she's visiting today. :)