Ada died one year ago this week. I don't know exactly what day she died, but when I called the doctor and had my ultrasound on July 14, they said that she had probably been gone for as long as a week. I think she died sometime between July 8-10, but I'll never know exactly when it happened.
Now that I am so used to feeling Eleanor kick, sometimes I can't believe it took me days to notice that Ada wasn't moving. What if I had noticed sooner? Could we have caught it while she was still alive and done something to save her? I seriously doubt it. Still, it doesn't keep me from having that thought sometimes. I really don't blame myself for that though (at least not much), because it was my first time being pregnant and I had only been feeling her kick for about 2-3 weeks before she stopped. I was still getting used to the feeling, and I know there were times after she died that I did think I had felt her. I knew they weren't strong kicks, and I was never positive that they were her and not my stomach or something, but the sensation was so new to me that I was still figuring it out.
Now that I am so used to feeling Eleanor kick, sometimes I can't believe it took me days to notice that Ada wasn't moving. What if I had noticed sooner? Could we have caught it while she was still alive and done something to save her? I seriously doubt it. Still, it doesn't keep me from having that thought sometimes. I really don't blame myself for that though (at least not much), because it was my first time being pregnant and I had only been feeling her kick for about 2-3 weeks before she stopped. I was still getting used to the feeling, and I know there were times after she died that I did think I had felt her. I knew they weren't strong kicks, and I was never positive that they were her and not my stomach or something, but the sensation was so new to me that I was still figuring it out.
Emotionally this week has been hard on me, but not nearly as hard as I had expected. It absolutely helps that I'm preoccupied with making sure we have everything ready for Eleanor. This week I got the carseat installed, washed the last of her clothes, took a newborn care class at the hospital, and had my final ultrasound. (She's 7 lb, 2 oz at 36 weeks! Whoa!) I've also been doing some "me" stuff like getting a haircut and having lunch with friends while I still have time for that sort of thing. But like any parent of more than one child, being busy with one child doesn't mean you forget about your other children.
I'm being induced in 10 days, but Ada's birthday is just 6 days away. I told Hunter that I plan to make pink cupcakes that day, and he really wants me to put spiced gumdrops on top. Yes, that was as random when he said it as it seems to you reading this. I told him that I don't like gumdrops, and he said that the spiced gumdrops are so good and he knows that Ada would have liked them. (Translation: he likes them and wants them on the cupcakes.) We laughed and talked about how easy it is for either of us to just say what it is that we think she would have liked. It's funny, but it's also very sad, because of course we'll never know. Still, maybe she would have liked spiced gumdrops like him, so I plan to put them on top. He was actually kind of serious about it I think.
I'm being induced in 10 days, but Ada's birthday is just 6 days away. I told Hunter that I plan to make pink cupcakes that day, and he really wants me to put spiced gumdrops on top. Yes, that was as random when he said it as it seems to you reading this. I told him that I don't like gumdrops, and he said that the spiced gumdrops are so good and he knows that Ada would have liked them. (Translation: he likes them and wants them on the cupcakes.) We laughed and talked about how easy it is for either of us to just say what it is that we think she would have liked. It's funny, but it's also very sad, because of course we'll never know. Still, maybe she would have liked spiced gumdrops like him, so I plan to put them on top. He was actually kind of serious about it I think.
Last night we took a newborn care class at the hospital where we learned how to give the baby a sponge bath (before the cord falls off), swaddle, etc. They had us practice on dolls and they gave us those green and pink striped hospital blankets that every hospital seems to have. Ada was wrapped in one of those blankets the first time I held her. As I looked at the stained blanket I was using last night, I realized that there is a *tiny* possibility that it was the same blanket I used with Ada. Yes, I'm sure the hospital has a thousand of those blankets and the one used on Ada might even be thrown away at this point, but it made me smile a little to think that I might be touching something that touched her once. (Of course, I have the pink one at home that she was wrapped in later, but this would have been the first blanket to touch her.) I just miss her and I can't believe it's been one year since she left us. We are very different people than we were one year ago.
6 comments:
Big hugs to you. I know it's so hard. I hope you can find peace, and I can't believe Eleanor is going to be here so soon.
We are very different people, aren't we?
Its very crazy to think that you will have Ada's sister in your arms just a few days over a year since her birthday. I'm sure Ada will be watching over her little sister.
I try to think sometimes about how special all of our rainbow babies are that they will always have an angel looking out for them.
I'm counting down the days with you!
I am sure Ada is going to love those pink cupcakes with spiced gumdrops on top! Take some photos too. Big hugs to you for being so strong. The weather better clear up today so I can take that special photo and email it to you. Counting the days to see Eleanor. :)
I'm glad you have things to keep your mind busy with. I can imagine how tough this week must be for you. I know you can't help but think about those days when she passed, but there is nothing you did wrong. I can't believe how close you are to having Eleanor in your arms. Hugs.
I know it's going to be a tough week for you. I think you're doing good things keeping busy. The cupcakes sound fabulous. I wish I was in FL, so I could come over and eat some with you! How cute that Hunter wants spiced gumdrops on them. I don't like them much either, but I'm sure they'll look so cute. Please post pics for us!
Oh, those thoughts haunt me too...a few weeks before Malou died, I noticed she hadn't moved all day. I called the doctor and they said to drink a huge glass of ice water quickly and lie on my side - if I didn't feel her, to come in so they could check the heartbeat. But that ice water woke her up. I was obviously worried about it because I wrote it in my diary. And I *think* since that point, she moved less. I was 32 weeks along when she died, and she was also my first pregnancy, and I just didn't know what type of movement was normal. I felt her every day, but always gentle kicks. I wonder now if she was struggling for some reason (I've read that some stillborn babies have a decrease in movement in the days/weeks leading up to their death). So the blessing is that I was in the hospital for another reason (kidney stones, they think) and I heard Malou's heartbeat the day before she died. The doctor said it sounded fine. And then she just died overnight.
So I'm here to tell you that even if you are in the hospital overnight on the high-risk OB ward, stillbirth can still happen. It's helped me to release some guilt and I hope it helps you too - it's very doubtful a doctor could have done anything to change the circumstances, but oh, my gosh, Beth, I wish for all of us that they could have - that they did.
PS I like the gumdrops too - we also imagine we know Malou's likes and dislikes. :)
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