The worst day of my life

One year ago today was the worst day of my life. It was a Monday, and by Sunday night I knew something wasn't right. I was beginning to realize that I hadn't felt Ada move in a while - I wasn't sure how long - and I remember crying before going to sleep that night because I was so worried. I was still in denial though. Deep down I knew something was wrong, but I was sure that we were going to find out that there was some explanation and that everything was okay. Hunter normally leaves for work pretty early, but that day he said he would wait until I called the doctor. I called when the doctor's office opened and the nurse told me to try drinking juice, lying on my side, and counting the kicks. I was supposed to do this twice for an hour each time. I remember telling Hunter that he should just go to work and that everything was going to be okay (denial!), but he knew better and said he would just stay home until he was sure. Little did we know that it would be over a week before he went back to work.

I called the nurse back after 2 hours to report no movement and she scheduled my ultrasound. We had to leave right then to get there in time for the appointment. I'll never forget sitting in the waiting room, being called back for the ultrasound, and telling the student that I was worried about a lack of movement. I'll never forget what the student or the ultrasound tech looked like. I'll never forget their faces when they realized something was wrong. I had to ask the ultrasound tech if there was a heartbeat - she wouldn't just say it and I needed to hear it. I'll never forget how I felt the minute I realized this was really happening or the expression on Hunter's face when I looked over at him. I am thankful beyond words that he stayed with me all morning!

We went back to the doctor and all that I really remember was her telling us to come to the hospital the next morning and that we needed to make arrangements with a funeral home. My mom, who was 5 minutes away from going to the airport to visit her mother for a few days, instead put her suitcase in the car and drove to our house. My brother and sister-in-law brought us dinner that night. And Hunter and I cried. And cried.

Today I'm remembering that horrible day, but I'm trying not to dwell on it too much. Instead, we're looking forward to Thursday when we're going to celebrate Ada's life. It's her birthday, after all. I'd much rather celebrate the day that I got to hold my firstborn child than focus on such a horrible day. Yet, I can't help but think about how July 14, 2008 changed my life forever.