Today I got a catalog in the mail from 1st Wishes, and after thumbing through it for a minute I realized that the entire catalog is full of party stuff for your baby's first birthday. Personalized banners, plates, cups, balloons, etc. "Wow," I thought, "It's kind of early to start planning Eleanor's birthday! Why did they send me this so soon?" And then it hit me that this catalog was not about Eleanor; I actually felt physical pain like I was being stabbed in the gut. The catalog powers that be who somehow get all of our baby info knew that my due date with Ada was November 5, 2008. Therefore, I must be planning a first birthday party about now, right?
I cried for a minute, of course, but I got this anger sensation that I don't normally feel. I wanted to throw the catalog across the room. I probably should have too, since maybe it would have been therapeutic for me somehow. It all passed quickly enough, but I was surprised by the anger I felt when I saw all of those party decorations. I should be planning a first birthday party. Instead, I celebrated Ada's birthday two months ago with a trip to the beach where we spread her ashes. It's amazing how fresh the grief can still feel when these reminders come up, even though I spend my days with a beautiful and happy baby. I love Eleanor so much, but I wish I could have both of my girls here with me.
My own birthday was Thursday, and it really was my best birthday ever. It was very low key, but I was so happy that I got to spend it with Eleanor. I spent most of the day just sitting there with her, smiling at her and making faces at each other. Again, I did cry for a minute when I thought about sweet Ada and how I don't get to have both of my babies with me, but for the most part it was a very happy day. I miss Ada and I wonder what her smile would have looked like, but for now I can just enjoy seeing this cute face every day:
I cried for a minute, of course, but I got this anger sensation that I don't normally feel. I wanted to throw the catalog across the room. I probably should have too, since maybe it would have been therapeutic for me somehow. It all passed quickly enough, but I was surprised by the anger I felt when I saw all of those party decorations. I should be planning a first birthday party. Instead, I celebrated Ada's birthday two months ago with a trip to the beach where we spread her ashes. It's amazing how fresh the grief can still feel when these reminders come up, even though I spend my days with a beautiful and happy baby. I love Eleanor so much, but I wish I could have both of my girls here with me.
My own birthday was Thursday, and it really was my best birthday ever. It was very low key, but I was so happy that I got to spend it with Eleanor. I spent most of the day just sitting there with her, smiling at her and making faces at each other. Again, I did cry for a minute when I thought about sweet Ada and how I don't get to have both of my babies with me, but for the most part it was a very happy day. I miss Ada and I wonder what her smile would have looked like, but for now I can just enjoy seeing this cute face every day:
4 comments:
Oh, Beth. I am so sorry that you won't be celebrating Ada's first birthday in November. I'm so glad you have Eleanor to help heal your heart. But, Ada will always be your first daughter.
I'm glad you had a good birthday~
Yeah, BH are normal but like I wrote in a previous post that people with a uterine rupture cannot go into labor b/c of risk of re-ruture...I was afraid (although irrationally) that I was going into pre-term labor. Its just a process of walking myself back into sanity :)
Wow. I bet that stung. I hate those stupid reminders. I wish you could be planning Ada's first birthday and staring at Eleanor's beautiful smile all at once. Hugs.
I too am getting those reminders. If Liam had been born on his due date he would be almost 2 months now. All those cute little catalogues and coupons for all things baby just keep coming and poking little holes in my thin sheet of sanity. On a happier note, Eleanor looks absolutely beautiful! Just looking at her pics this morning made me smile.
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