It's been nearly two years, and I have a beautiful baby that I get to hold and play with every day, but I still miss Ada. I still cry for her. I still mourn her. I still think about her almost every day.
My life has certainly moved past where I was during those dark months after her death, and I am very happy these days. (Besides the fact that I have mono and I'm trying to care for a 9-month-old...but that's another story!) I love being a stay at home mom and raising Eleanor, but there's no amount of joy that Eleanor can bring to my life that can erase what we went through in July 2008. Sometimes I feel like I have post traumatic stress disorder because I occasionally have flashbacks to that horrible ultrasound and every detail of the days the followed. This usually happens at night when I'm trying to fall asleep or when I'm in the car alone. Usually when this happens I just pause and think about Ada for a few minutes, but every once in a while it hits really hard and I weep for my baby.
I have a friend whose daughter is about a month younger than Ada should have been. I see new pictures of her fairly often and I usually don't even think about Ada, but recently she posted one that was so cute and it just hit me: I should have a toddler like that. What would Ada look like at this point? What would her smile look like? What would she be able to say? What things would she be scared of? What would be her favorite toys and games? I don't know, and I never will know. It just hurts me that I can't have both of my girls. I love them both.
On a side note, I have to add that the book that I wrote about in this post is probably Eleanor's favorite book. She loves turning the pages while one of us reads it to her and she'll read it over and over again. She also loves this book that Ada "gave" Hunter for Father's Day when I was 4 months pregnant. She won't sit there for every book she has, but these 2 are winners. Eleanor has good taste! :)
Also, here are a few recent pictures of Ada's little sister...
4 comments:
Our hearts will never be quite "right" again, will they?
We'll always miss them and our questions about them will always linger...
Thinking of Ada with you ((hugs))
I understand. Aren and I talk about how much we miss Ella all the time. We both have feelings of guilt for loving and planning for Nora. Then, we feel guilty for feeling guilty. It's so hard. We are always remembering Ada with you. xo
I understand too. Sigh. I've been feeling the same way lately, tonight especially. :(
I could have written this same post. Lately, I've been feeling everything you mentioned.
I cannot believe it's going to be two years. It's so hard to know they've been gone so long already.
((hugs))
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