My friend Stephanie, Malou's mama, writes her posts so beautifully and poetically. Somehow this post just wrote itself that way as well. I hope she doesn't mind that I borrowed her style. After all, imitation is the highest form of flattery. ;)
Dear Ada,
I think of you every day.
There are so many reminders!
I remember you every time I see a butterfly go past.
Butterflies are a symbol of pregnancy loss
because they come into our lives
with all of their fragile beauty
and stay for such a brief period of time.
I see butterflies every day,
sometimes several times a day!
Your little sister
(who is growing to be quite big, by the way)
always notices them.
She also loves to point out the butterflies on her clothes
and on her car seat.
It makes me smile to see her get excited
over these beautiful creatures.
Butterflies often visit us
while she's swinging in the back yard.
I like to think that,
in a way,
you're out there with us too
enjoying the beautiful day.
I remember you when people see your sister and ask,
"Is she your first?"
I usually lie and say yes.
I feel guilty inside,
but I do it to avoid the awkward questions
and the uncomfortable looks.
And I think that deep down
I'm afraid
they don't think you should "count'.
But while I know that Eleanor may be my oldest,
she is not my first born.
The other day I was brave and told the truth
- that I have two daughters -
to some women I barely know.
It sounded easy to say in my head,
but it wasn't.
I cried.
A lot.
And I couldn't stop.
I think it had been too long since I had let myself cry.
This is why I don't usually tell the truth.
I remember you
when friends and family members remember you.
One friend asked me,
"Have you thought about having a third?"
I'm not used to hearing that!
Another friend mentioned that,
out of a group of us,
5 babies had been born or were on the way.
I counted the babies up several times,
but I kept coming up short.
Then I realized my friend actually included you!
I love it when others remember you too.
It's nice to know that I'm not the only one
besides your father
who was touched by your brief little life.
I remember you at silly times too.
Like when I go to the dentist.
ADA is written all over the place!
It stands for the American Dental Association, you know.
I love you, sweet girl.
I may not write on here often anymore.
I may not cry often anymore.
It may seem on the outside like life has gone on.
But that's not true.
Your beautiful
fragile
sweet little life
has changed me forever.
I miss you,
Ada Elizabeth.
I think of you every day.
There are so many reminders!
I remember you every time I see a butterfly go past.
Butterflies are a symbol of pregnancy loss
because they come into our lives
with all of their fragile beauty
and stay for such a brief period of time.
I see butterflies every day,
sometimes several times a day!
Your little sister
(who is growing to be quite big, by the way)
always notices them.
She also loves to point out the butterflies on her clothes
and on her car seat.
It makes me smile to see her get excited
over these beautiful creatures.
Butterflies often visit us
while she's swinging in the back yard.
I like to think that,
in a way,
you're out there with us too
enjoying the beautiful day.
I remember you when people see your sister and ask,
"Is she your first?"
I usually lie and say yes.
I feel guilty inside,
but I do it to avoid the awkward questions
and the uncomfortable looks.
And I think that deep down
I'm afraid
they don't think you should "count'.
But while I know that Eleanor may be my oldest,
she is not my first born.
The other day I was brave and told the truth
- that I have two daughters -
to some women I barely know.
It sounded easy to say in my head,
but it wasn't.
I cried.
A lot.
And I couldn't stop.
I think it had been too long since I had let myself cry.
This is why I don't usually tell the truth.
I remember you
when friends and family members remember you.
One friend asked me,
"Have you thought about having a third?"
I'm not used to hearing that!
Another friend mentioned that,
out of a group of us,
5 babies had been born or were on the way.
I counted the babies up several times,
but I kept coming up short.
Then I realized my friend actually included you!
I love it when others remember you too.
It's nice to know that I'm not the only one
besides your father
who was touched by your brief little life.
I remember you at silly times too.
Like when I go to the dentist.
ADA is written all over the place!
It stands for the American Dental Association, you know.
I love you, sweet girl.
I may not write on here often anymore.
I may not cry often anymore.
It may seem on the outside like life has gone on.
But that's not true.
Your beautiful
fragile
sweet little life
has changed me forever.
I miss you,
Ada Elizabeth.
3 comments:
I'm glad that you allowed yourself to cry! And, I'm happy that you have friends and families that include Ada still :)
BTW, are you still doing Ada's name gallery? I try to include her when I do stuff but I haven't seen you doing them anymore...
I'm crying with you and laughing at the same time after reading this. I too will now think of Ada and you when I go to the dentist :)
Of course I don't mind. ;) It's funny, it's the easiest way I can write about Malou, yet when I write about Liam, it comes out very different. So I completely understand how a post can just writes itself in a certain way.
This post made me cry. I love to think of Ada visiting you and Eleanor and Hunter. I especially love how Eleanor notices them too. Who knows what she is thinking or seeing??
How wonderful that you have friends who don't forget Ada's place in your family. I am lucky to have friends and family like that too.
And you should know, Ada has touched a lot more lives than you think, more than you will ever know, probably. She is loved and remembered every single day! I for one think of her every time I visit a new beach. :)
xoxo
Stephanie
Post a Comment