Since Ada's death, I have come to realize that some things happen in life that we never "get over" - instead, we move forward. I will never get over the pain of learning that Ada died or holding her perfect, tiny, lifeless body. I am, however, moving forward.
Being pregnant again has really helped me to heal. I was certainly in a much better place before we found out we were pregnant again than when we first lost Ada; I was moving through the grieving process and I was starting to feel better about life. Still, knowing that another baby is on the way brings us so much hope. Those constant thoughts of, "One day when we have kids..." actually feel like they might be reality again. I have another birth to look forward to. I cannot wait until August!
BUT...being pregnant again is not a magic cure. I still mourn Ada's death. Her 6 month birthday was one of the hardest days for me since last July - it was actually harder than her due date. I still miss her and think about her every day. I tend to remember her with a smile though, rather than tears. I really don't feel bitter anymore about her death and I can honestly say that I am thankful for the time that I had with her.
I am thankful for this baby, too. Yesterday I had my 3rd ultrasound and everything still looks good. I'm 16 weeks now. The doctor couldn't tell for sure, but she believes that this baby is a girl! I thought I might be sad to have another girl, but I'm actually really happy about it! I would be thrilled if it was a boy too though. It's just exciting to know - or, sort of know! I have not been worried at all about this pregnancy since about the 6th week, but now the doubts are starting to creep in. I've become MUCH more aware of all that can go wrong over the past 7 months, and I have definitely lost my innocence! I'm trying to stay positive though, because I have no real reason to be concerned.
Being pregnant again has really helped me to heal. I was certainly in a much better place before we found out we were pregnant again than when we first lost Ada; I was moving through the grieving process and I was starting to feel better about life. Still, knowing that another baby is on the way brings us so much hope. Those constant thoughts of, "One day when we have kids..." actually feel like they might be reality again. I have another birth to look forward to. I cannot wait until August!
BUT...being pregnant again is not a magic cure. I still mourn Ada's death. Her 6 month birthday was one of the hardest days for me since last July - it was actually harder than her due date. I still miss her and think about her every day. I tend to remember her with a smile though, rather than tears. I really don't feel bitter anymore about her death and I can honestly say that I am thankful for the time that I had with her.
I am thankful for this baby, too. Yesterday I had my 3rd ultrasound and everything still looks good. I'm 16 weeks now. The doctor couldn't tell for sure, but she believes that this baby is a girl! I thought I might be sad to have another girl, but I'm actually really happy about it! I would be thrilled if it was a boy too though. It's just exciting to know - or, sort of know! I have not been worried at all about this pregnancy since about the 6th week, but now the doubts are starting to creep in. I've become MUCH more aware of all that can go wrong over the past 7 months, and I have definitely lost my innocence! I'm trying to stay positive though, because I have no real reason to be concerned.
1 comment:
I agree that pregnancy does not "fix" everything. It hurts just as much to think about the little boy I don't have with me, but it is nice to have something to look forward to. I hope the nerves don't get too bad for you.
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