One year ago, I was pregnant with Ada but I didn't even know it yet. I didn't take a pregnancy test until March 5, but it was pretty obvious by then because I was late. It was right about now last year that I started feeling super tired. I remember talking on the phone with my mom on the way home from work and telling her that I thought I was coming down with something because I was so tired. Of course, I knew it might be that I was pregnant, but I seriously did think I was sick.
I've thought about Ada a lot lately. One year ago, her life had just barely begun. She was already loved and thought about. I was already being careful about what I ate and all of the other stuff you have to watch out for during a pregnancy. Who knew that her life on earth would be so short?
Yesterday I was buying birthday cards for some of the sweet children in my life. I got a little teary eyed in the store though when I saw all of the cute, pink birthday cards for one-year-olds. We're nowhere close to Ada's first birthday, but it just made me think about how she will never have one. Well, of course, I will remember her birthday and celebrate her on that day, but it will involve a trip to the beach where we spread her ashes instead of watching a cute baby smear cake all over her face.
My friend Shelley, who lost her baby when she was less than a month old, mentioned that she's really missing Elliana today. We all miss our babies, and it's not only on the special anniversaries or occasions. They were loved, and they're missed all the time.
Here's the only picture we have of Elliana and Ada together:
1 comment:
Beth, I can't say enough how much I've appreciated reading your blog. Sometimes it's hard to bring these things up in a casual conversation, so I've always felt connected to you on a deeper level when I read your words online and find out how things are "really" going. Thank you so much for sharing your thoughts and feelings here. Honestly, I'm surprised sometimes that you're so willing and eager to spend time with Julie and Evan. Sometimes I assume that it will difficult for you to be around my little children; I don't want to make you feel sad; I think that you will be reminded of your loss of Ada; etc. But you've been so good to them, and they love you so much.
I do think of you often, and I know that having another child will not erase the hurt of losing Ada. But I do pray that God is taking care of you and giving you what you need.
Love you,
Monica
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