Presidential due dates

Ada was due on November 5, one day after the historic presidential election. I had been hoping Obama would win since...I'm not sure - at least 2006. We went to Washington, D.C. for our anniversary that year and I labeled the picture of us at the White House, "The future home of Barack Obama." Anyway, as I've already posted on here, I was really hoping that Ada would be born one day early on election day and that Obama would win the election. I only got half of my wish.

So, today when my mom brought that up and asked, "Well, do you know what August 4 is?" I had no idea what the answer was. Besides the fact that it is (I assume) my due date with this baby, I couldn't think of anything. I thought for a minute, but came up blank. "It's Obama's birthday!" she finally informed me. Now, I'm not obsessed with Obama or anything, and a politician's birthday is not the same as the day that America made a historic decision, but I did think it was pretty funny!

Oh, and I should add that my mom found out that she was pregnant with me on the day that Reagan was inaugurated (Jan. 20, 1981). I'm not sure how that factors into this!

Baby clothes

I did a little bit of early bird shopping this morning. (I didn't leave until about 7:45 - I'm not that crazy!) I was looking for a few Christmas gifts, but I also was looking for a little baby Thanksgiving outfit on clearance. The first thing I ever bought Ada was a St. Patrick's outfit on clearance after the holiday. I'm not a big St. Patrick's celebrator or anything, but it was cute, gender neutral, and only $3 or $4. Now that outfit is just sitting in a drawer upstairs. I'm not sure what to do with it.

Anyway, I went to look at baby clothes today for the first time since July. It wasn't too sad, but I realized that the clothes that kept grabbing my attention were for little girls. I saw several outfits that were so cute, and I thought that what I should be doing is buying things like that for Ada. It was a fleeting thought, and I am very happy about this baby on the way, but this baby doesn't replace my loss. I guess I'm learning what any mother does when she has a second child. You love all of your children - just because you have a second child that you love, you don't love the first one any less.

It's positive!!!

I woke up at 4:45 this morning, woke up Hunter, and took the pregnancy test....and I'm pregnant!!! I had really convinced myself over the last day or two that I wasn't, because I'm tired of being disappointed. Hunter and I both held each other and cried tears of both joy and sadness - but mostly joy. We managed to wait until 6:00 to start calling family members. I will call my doctor next week, but I assume that the due date will be on or around August 4.

This blog is about Ada, and I plan to keep it that way. I have another blog (there's a link on the right) that I will keep updated through this pregnancy, but I know I will continue to mourn Ada. I think Christmas will be especially hard, but at least now I have a lot of hope for next year.

For all of my other friends who are still trying after a loss, I hope that this gives you hope but I'm sure it's not easy to read that somebody else finally got their "Rainbow Baby" while you haven't gotten yours yet. I'm sorry, and I don't know what to say. Just know that I keep thinking about you, and I can't wait to celebrate with you when you get yours too!

Passion

I am enjoying my job again - finally! This is the first time this school year that I have been excited about what I do. This is mostly thanks to the great national teaching conference I went to this past weekend. I got so many good ideas that it was almost overwhelming, but it started to make me feel my passion for teaching once again.

Last night I totally redid my lessons from now through Christmas break. I was going to start a new chapter today and do the same old stuff...a listening activity here, a speaking activity there, etc. I do normally manage to make learning the language fun, but it's never as relevant as it should be.

Today, I had my students make passports and write a postcard about themselves to their new "host family" in Mexico. I told them that tomorrow we are flying to Mexico (thanks to Google Earth, they will be able to see what that looks like...sort of) and we'll spend the next few weeks there. Tomorrow we'll have our pretend flight complete with an in-flight movie and flight attendants. During class for the next few weeks they'll have tasks to do that teach the same material that I would have done, but it will be much more meaningful. For example, instead of making a ven diagram with foods that are for breakfast and foods that are for lunch (an activity in the textbook), they'll make a shopping list for their host mom of their favorite foods for breakfast and lunch. I just hope I can be creative enough to come up with stuff like this for every day.

Sorry for the rambling about teaching, but I am excited that I am excited about teaching. It's been months since I've felt this kind of motivation.

Now, I'm just anxious to see what I find out in the next few days... So far, so good.

Dreams

Since we lost Ada, I've really only had one dream/nightmare (that I remember) that had to do with her. I had two last night though. Neither of them were particularly bad, but they were both sad and left me feeling helpless.

The first dream I had was that I was traveling and I was looking through my suitcase for clothes. I had a bunch of baby girl clothes packed in there too, and I thought about how I don't need those now. Then I pulled out the exact same outfit in three sizes: 0-3 months, 3-6 months, and 6-9 months. I got upset because I knew my baby was 4 months old, but I didn't know what size she needed. Is she tiny? Or average? Or really big? (I know people whose 5-month-old was wearing 12 month clothing.) I wanted to see her, but nobody would let me see her and I was frustrated. Why was everybody keeping me from my baby? I kept wondering what she looked like. This dream surprises me, because I really don't think much about how big Ada would be now or how old she would be. I guess I do in my subconscious though!

Then, in a separate dream, I was watching somebody else's baby. It was strange, like I wasn't baby-sitting but I was "borrowing" the baby. I realized that I had been watching her for over a day now and didn't have a change of clothes or food or a new diaper for her or anything. She didn't seem to mind, but I was ashamed of myself for not taking good care of this baby. I kept wondering where the parents were, and aren't they missing her? I looked at her and thought that Ada would probably be cuter than this baby. Then I noticed that she had eczema on her face (a problem I have right now on my hands so I know it hurts), and then I looked at her again and realized it was ALL over her body and she was crying now. I didn't know what to do, and for some reason I never picked her up.

So, I woke up from these crazy thoughts floating around in my subconscious and told Hunter about them. It turns out, he had a dream last night too! He dreamt that a friend of ours was pregnant and that we were all at dinner when our friend said that she couldn't feel the baby move anymore - she couldn't feel her move. (Notice that it's a girl, too, just like in all of my dreams.) He said he woke up in the middle of the night and cried a little bit.

I don't know what brought on all the dreams. I guess it was just a coincidence. I was thinking about Ada last night before I slept, though. My mom is in town and she and my sister-in-law and I went to paint pottery together. I asked them to go with me because I wanted to make an ornament for Ada. I painted it a dark pink and then used red puff paint to write "Ada" on one side and "7.16.08" on the other side. When I went to put it with the other stuff to be fired, there was a little plate there that somebody had made for their baby's first Christmas. That was sad. I did have a good time though, and my sister-in-law was sweet and asked me what I imagined that Ada would be like one day and also talked about some of the blogs that link off of this one. She is a very compassionate person and I'm glad I have family who cares about me and loves me.

Some good days

I always post on here when I'm down, so I figured I should post something positive for once. The past couple of days have been pretty good ones for me. I still feel kind of - I don't know, empty, in a way - but I have actually been getting things done. For example, I have always been bad about grading papers, but I have been especially bad the past couple of weeks. It's the only part of my job that I don't like (dread is probably the word), and I just let myself get more and more behind. The past few days though, I have felt like a normal person and had the drive to get everything done. So, I am all caught up on grading for the first time in a couple of weeks. (Too bad I'm giving a test on Thursday...) :)

Saturday was bad. It was possibly my worst day since the week Ada died. I was feeling so low, and in hindsight, I don't really know where that came from. I could not make myself get out of bed. At about 11:00 that morning (very late for me), Hunter finally - literally - forced me out of bed. He held me while I cried and told me I am going to get better and that he loves me. I know this might sound weird, but him telling me that DID make me feel better. Somehow the rest of the day gradually improved, and I am suddenly feeling almost back to my old, normal self. I know that people who know me worry about me, and Saturday does make me worry about myself a little bit, but the counselor has told me to expect to still have some bad days now and then and to let myself have them. He tells me that it's how grief is, and we can't just suddenly be over it. Even if I'm having a great month, I might still have a bad day here or there.

I love roller coasters, but this is one that I am ready to get off of! I just hope I don't have any more dips like Saturday's in the near future. The past few days have felt really good. I've even made the effort to be more social again, which is one thing that's been really hard for me. I want to have friends, but then I never call anybody or make plans or even stop by my friends' classrooms to say hi in the morning. Also, like I said, I've been getting things done. Before, I would do things like clean the kitchen just to give myself something to do. Now, I do it more for the satisfaction of seeing the job completed. It's hard to describe, and it probably sounds kind of trivial, but there really is a big difference there.

My mom is coming down on Thursday and we're spending the next two days at a teaching conference (we're both teachers). Then next week is Thanksgiving, which I'm actually looking forward to. I think these things are all helping me, because they give me something in the future to be excited about.

4 months

Yesterday was 4 months since Ada was born - and I just now realized it. Maybe that's a sign of progress that I'm not dwelling on the dates...?

I am not okay

I tell everybody that I'm okay, but I'm not. I am feeling better than I did a month or two ago, but I'm not where I was before Ada died. I wonder if I will ever be back to how I used to be. Right now I just don't feel up to speaking - literally. It doesn't seem worth the effort. What is wrong with me?

Last night we went to see an awesome night shuttle launch - it was the first launch I'd seen since 6 days after I found out I was pregnant with Ada. We went with another couple who has a one-year-old and is expecting again. They don't know about Ada. Several times I wanted to make comments about when I was pregnant just to make conversation (like when it came up that she can't eat feta cheese), but I realized that it would probably make them uncomfortable, so I just stayed quiet.

Then, while we were waiting for the shuttle to launch, there was a family nearby. They had a little boy and a tiny baby girl. I kept wondering when she was born. How big would Ada be now? Is this baby about the same size that Ada would be? Of course, I didn't say anything, not even to Hunter, because what's the point?

And then I get home and get this email about an Advent class at church:

I want those who plan to attend the First Sunday, November 30, at 9:30 AM to bring one or two pictures of their babies to share with us. My babies are now 55 and 58.

Do you really want me to bring a picture of my baby?? And by the way, I will only be bringing one picture, not two, because that's all I have. What about all of the people who don't have babies? I thought this was extremely insensitive. And of course, once again, I'll probably just remain quiet - or not go. Nobody wants to hear me or my sad story.

Death in the family

The Miscarriage
by Linda Wasmer Andrews

There has been a death in the family.
There has been a death in the family.

No eulogy, no coffin,
No funeral, no black.

And yet, there has been a death in the family.

No undertaker, no hearse,
No cemetery, no grave.

And yet, there has most assuredly been a death in the family.

No belly, no fullness,
No lifeline, no baby.

There has been a death in the family.

Stuffed animals

The theme for Ada's nursery, which we planned to keep the same for all future babies, is animals around the world. I have this really cute painting of a world map (see below) with animals drawn on the places where they are from - there's a bald eagle in the US, a penguin in Antarctica, etc. I also started collecting stuffed animals and planned to put up a shelf of them. I got a llama, a giraffe, and an elephant, plus I already had a few of my own. So this afternoon I went to Kohl's (it was one of the first times I've actually felt like going out in a while) and they had a bunch of cute stuffed animals for $5 each - including a penguin. I love penguins. I went ahead and bought it, but I hope I'm not jinxing anything.

This is not the first time I've seen animals that I wanted to get for the nursery since Ada died, but it's the first time I've actually bought one. It was just too sad before. About 2 weeks after she died, Hunter and I went to Tampa for a day; we really just needed to get out of town. We spent the morning at a place called Big Cat Rescue, which we both loved. The name pretty much says it all, but basically they are a non-profit organization whose mission is to rescue big cats (lions, bobcats, cougars, ocelots, servals, etc.) from being abused by humans or who are orphaned as cubs and cannot survive on their own. It is not a zoo, and their number one priority is to keep the cats happy rather than entertain people. Anyway, after the tour we stopped by the gift shop. They had all kinds of stuffed animals - it made me cry there in the shop. I just couldn't buy one.

For Ada's due date, Hunter and I made a donation to Big Cat. We will get a small plaque on one of the "Cat-A-Tats" (like reallllly giant cages) that will say in memory of Ada. Plus, we also get quite a few passes so we can go back and see it. I'm not sure yet if we'll get to choose which cat gets the plaque (we're still waiting for the paperwork), but that could be interesting to pick one out. I'm thinking maybe the white tiger. As I learned on the tour, white tigers are not a species and they only live in captivity by imbreeding. This causes many defects, early deaths, and stillbirths. That caught my attention.