Since we lost Ada, I've really only had one dream/nightmare (that I remember) that had to do with her. I had two last night though. Neither of them were particularly bad, but they were both sad and left me feeling helpless.
The first dream I had was that I was traveling and I was looking through my suitcase for clothes. I had a bunch of baby girl clothes packed in there too, and I thought about how I don't need those now. Then I pulled out the exact same outfit in three sizes: 0-3 months, 3-6 months, and 6-9 months. I got upset because I knew my baby was 4 months old, but I didn't know what size she needed. Is she tiny? Or average? Or really big? (I know people whose 5-month-old was wearing 12 month clothing.) I wanted to see her, but nobody would let me see her and I was frustrated. Why was everybody keeping me from my baby? I kept wondering what she looked like. This dream surprises me, because I really don't think much about how big Ada would be now or how old she would be. I guess I do in my subconscious though!
Then, in a separate dream, I was watching somebody else's baby. It was strange, like I wasn't baby-sitting but I was "borrowing" the baby. I realized that I had been watching her for over a day now and didn't have a change of clothes or food or a new diaper for her or anything. She didn't seem to mind, but I was ashamed of myself for not taking good care of this baby. I kept wondering where the parents were, and aren't they missing her? I looked at her and thought that Ada would probably be cuter than this baby. Then I noticed that she had eczema on her face (a problem I have right now on my hands so I know it hurts), and then I looked at her again and realized it was ALL over her body and she was crying now. I didn't know what to do, and for some reason I never picked her up.
So, I woke up from these crazy thoughts floating around in my subconscious and told Hunter about them. It turns out, he had a dream last night too! He dreamt that a friend of ours was pregnant and that we were all at dinner when our friend said that she couldn't feel the baby move anymore - she couldn't feel her move. (Notice that it's a girl, too, just like in all of my dreams.) He said he woke up in the middle of the night and cried a little bit.
The first dream I had was that I was traveling and I was looking through my suitcase for clothes. I had a bunch of baby girl clothes packed in there too, and I thought about how I don't need those now. Then I pulled out the exact same outfit in three sizes: 0-3 months, 3-6 months, and 6-9 months. I got upset because I knew my baby was 4 months old, but I didn't know what size she needed. Is she tiny? Or average? Or really big? (I know people whose 5-month-old was wearing 12 month clothing.) I wanted to see her, but nobody would let me see her and I was frustrated. Why was everybody keeping me from my baby? I kept wondering what she looked like. This dream surprises me, because I really don't think much about how big Ada would be now or how old she would be. I guess I do in my subconscious though!
Then, in a separate dream, I was watching somebody else's baby. It was strange, like I wasn't baby-sitting but I was "borrowing" the baby. I realized that I had been watching her for over a day now and didn't have a change of clothes or food or a new diaper for her or anything. She didn't seem to mind, but I was ashamed of myself for not taking good care of this baby. I kept wondering where the parents were, and aren't they missing her? I looked at her and thought that Ada would probably be cuter than this baby. Then I noticed that she had eczema on her face (a problem I have right now on my hands so I know it hurts), and then I looked at her again and realized it was ALL over her body and she was crying now. I didn't know what to do, and for some reason I never picked her up.
So, I woke up from these crazy thoughts floating around in my subconscious and told Hunter about them. It turns out, he had a dream last night too! He dreamt that a friend of ours was pregnant and that we were all at dinner when our friend said that she couldn't feel the baby move anymore - she couldn't feel her move. (Notice that it's a girl, too, just like in all of my dreams.) He said he woke up in the middle of the night and cried a little bit.
I don't know what brought on all the dreams. I guess it was just a coincidence. I was thinking about Ada last night before I slept, though. My mom is in town and she and my sister-in-law and I went to paint pottery together. I asked them to go with me because I wanted to make an ornament for Ada. I painted it a dark pink and then used red puff paint to write "Ada" on one side and "7.16.08" on the other side. When I went to put it with the other stuff to be fired, there was a little plate there that somebody had made for their baby's first Christmas. That was sad. I did have a good time though, and my sister-in-law was sweet and asked me what I imagined that Ada would be like one day and also talked about some of the blogs that link off of this one. She is a very compassionate person and I'm glad I have family who cares about me and loves me.
2 comments:
Wow. Dreams can feel so powerful and real. Your ornament sounds awesome but the Baby's First Christmas one you saw must have just knocked you down inside a little. Ouch. You ARE a wonderful mommy to Ada. Tell who ever is in charge of your subconscious mind or who writes your dream scripts not to bother you with images to the contrary!
You need to post a picture of Ada's ornament, it sounds very pretty. I've told my husband that I wish there was a drug that you could take so that you didn't have dreams, because I think I would get better sleep if I wasn't having such crazy dreams. You remember your dreams way better than I do though.
Oh yeah, I like the green and brown background...
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