Hope

I am feeling hopeful today for a few reasons. For one, I am hopeful that we just conceived another baby. If my body doesn't tell me otherwise first, I plan to take a pregnancy test on Thanksgiving Day. I will either have something to be really thankful for, or...well, I don't want to consider the alternative just yet. But I am optimistic, partly because this month is our fourth try since losing Ada, and we conceived Ada on our fourth try last time. Also, Thanksgiving last year was when we first started trying. We would really have come full circle. Plus, my body seems to be doing better and I am hoping that I am finally healed enough for this to work.

I used to be embarrassed to discuss this sort of thing. Last time we were trying, nobody knew but the two of us, so of course I never talked about it. I considered it a very private matter. I have a new perspective now though. I want to tell everybody that we're expecting as soon as we know, because what's the point in being so cautious? Last time not even our own mothers knew until I was 14 weeks pregnant, but it really made no difference in the end. There were 10 weeks there when we knew and we could have been sharing our joy with others. Hunter and I were the only ones who knew about Ada for more than half of her life.

The other reason that I am feeling hopeful is that I feel like I'm doing better emotionally and spiritually. I went to my counselor again last night and I left feeling, well, hopeful. For "homework" the week before, he had me fill out this sheet about difficult times in my life and how God was present in those times. 3 of the 4 situations that I wrote about are things that, looking back on them, I am actually thankful for - although at the time, I thought I was having the worst experience of my life. What I wrote down that I learned during those times included "God answers prayers, just sometimes the timing is not what we expect" and "God has a plan for us even when we can't see it." Hmmm.

Psalm 42

As the deer pants for streams of water,
so my soul pants for you, O God.
My soul thirsts for God, for the living God.
When can I go and meet with God?

My tears have been my food
day and night,
while men say to me all day long,
"Where is your God?"

These things I remember
as I pour out my soul:
how I used to go with the multitude,
leading the procession to the house of God,
with shouts of joy and thanksgiving
among the festive throng.

Why are you downcast, O my soul?
Why so disturbed within me?
Put your hope in God,
for I will yet praise him,
my Savior and my God.
My soul is downcast within me;
therefore I will remember you
from the land of the Jordan,
the heights of Hermon—from Mount Mizar.

Deep calls to deep
in the roar of your waterfalls;
all your waves and breakers
have swept over me.

By day the LORD directs his love,
at night his song is with me—
a prayer to the God of my life.

I say to God my Rock,
"Why have you forgotten me?
Why must I go about mourning,
oppressed by the enemy?"

My bones suffer mortal agony
as my foes taunt me,
saying to me all day long,
"Where is your God?"

Why are you downcast, O my soul?
Why so disturbed within me?
Put your hope in God,
for I will yet praise him,
my Savior and my God.