This weekend, I escaped from reality. I read two novels - something like 1050 pages - in a day and a half. They're the first two books in the Twilight series, and they are so good! I can really get absorbed by a good book, movie, or even a tv show (Lost, Heroes...) and when I finish I have to snap out of it. (I bought the 6th Harry Potter book at midnight and finished it by about 8:00 pm the next day. I did sleep somewhere in there too.) These books were so good that I almost completely forgot to be sad for a few days. It was fun.
Still, there were a few parts that made me stop and think about my own life for a few minutes. In the first book there is a character who has adopted some children and she talks about how she lost a baby herself when it was only a few days old so she really has that "maternal instinct." I know that feeling. I could really relate to the main character in the second book. I don't want to give away too much in case you plan to read these books, but a major part of the story in that book is a girl missing the boy that she loves. Sometimes I felt likes I was reading about myself:
I wondered how long this could last. Maybe someday, years from now - if the pain would just decrease to the point where I could bear it - I would be able to look back on those few short months that would always be the best of my life. ... But what if this hole never got any better? If the raw edges never healed? If the damage was permanent and irreversible? ... I was changed, my insides altered almost past the point of recognition.
I was like a lost moon—my planet destroyed in some cataclysmic, disaster-movie scenario of desolation—that continued, nevertheless, to circle in a tight little orbit around the empty space left behind, ignoring the laws of gravity.
Before you, ..., my life was like a moonless night. Very dark, but there were stars--points of light and reason....And then you shot across my sky like a meteor. Suddenly everything was on fire; there was brilliancy, there was beauty. When you were gone, when the meteor had fallen over the horizon, everything went black. Nothing had changed, but my eyes were blinded by the light. I couldn't see the stars anymore. And there was no more reason for anything.
I don't feel quite that dramatic, but I can relate. Anyway, I enjoyed my weekend for the most part. There were two hard moments today though.
I realized that Ada's due date is only 3 days from now. I thought to myself, "In 3 days this nightmare will all be over." What I meant was that I will be past the very painful reminders. Then I started to cry, because I don't want it to be over!! I want to deliver a baby this week! And of course, I also know that it will not be "over" on Wednesday...this will never be over.
Then tonight there was a chili cook-off at church to raise money for the church preschool. A lady who works at the preschool but doesn't attend our church saw me for the first time since late June. She smiled when she saw me and asked, "So, how's the baby?" I always dread responding to something like that, mainly because I don't want to make the person feel bad. When I told her, her reaction was a pretty simple, "Oh, I'm sorry." She really didn't seem too upset. I have no idea what I was expecting though. Anyway, it was nice that somebody actually remembered that I am supposed to have a baby. Oh yeah, and also at the cook-off there was a man walking around holding his baby girl - she was probably about 6 months old. I got a little misty eyed because it made me think about how I will never get to see Hunter with our baby girl. I think he will make such a good dad.
Still, there were a few parts that made me stop and think about my own life for a few minutes. In the first book there is a character who has adopted some children and she talks about how she lost a baby herself when it was only a few days old so she really has that "maternal instinct." I know that feeling. I could really relate to the main character in the second book. I don't want to give away too much in case you plan to read these books, but a major part of the story in that book is a girl missing the boy that she loves. Sometimes I felt likes I was reading about myself:
I wondered how long this could last. Maybe someday, years from now - if the pain would just decrease to the point where I could bear it - I would be able to look back on those few short months that would always be the best of my life. ... But what if this hole never got any better? If the raw edges never healed? If the damage was permanent and irreversible? ... I was changed, my insides altered almost past the point of recognition.
I was like a lost moon—my planet destroyed in some cataclysmic, disaster-movie scenario of desolation—that continued, nevertheless, to circle in a tight little orbit around the empty space left behind, ignoring the laws of gravity.
Before you, ..., my life was like a moonless night. Very dark, but there were stars--points of light and reason....And then you shot across my sky like a meteor. Suddenly everything was on fire; there was brilliancy, there was beauty. When you were gone, when the meteor had fallen over the horizon, everything went black. Nothing had changed, but my eyes were blinded by the light. I couldn't see the stars anymore. And there was no more reason for anything.
I don't feel quite that dramatic, but I can relate. Anyway, I enjoyed my weekend for the most part. There were two hard moments today though.
I realized that Ada's due date is only 3 days from now. I thought to myself, "In 3 days this nightmare will all be over." What I meant was that I will be past the very painful reminders. Then I started to cry, because I don't want it to be over!! I want to deliver a baby this week! And of course, I also know that it will not be "over" on Wednesday...this will never be over.
Then tonight there was a chili cook-off at church to raise money for the church preschool. A lady who works at the preschool but doesn't attend our church saw me for the first time since late June. She smiled when she saw me and asked, "So, how's the baby?" I always dread responding to something like that, mainly because I don't want to make the person feel bad. When I told her, her reaction was a pretty simple, "Oh, I'm sorry." She really didn't seem too upset. I have no idea what I was expecting though. Anyway, it was nice that somebody actually remembered that I am supposed to have a baby. Oh yeah, and also at the cook-off there was a man walking around holding his baby girl - she was probably about 6 months old. I got a little misty eyed because it made me think about how I will never get to see Hunter with our baby girl. I think he will make such a good dad.
3 comments:
I think you and I would be good friends in real life! First of all, I LOVE Twilight. I have read the whole series and twice since losing Gregory. Stephenie is such a good story teller, it is an easy escape. I felt the same as you. I related to Esme and Bella and even more in books three and especially four. I can't wait til you read them! Hunter is a great father to Ada and will be a great father to your next child. I can't wait to celebrate your positive pregnancy test. =)
My sister just started the twilight series and she loves them.
I hope you don't mind but I tagged you on my blog...
You're it :)
Just checking in to see how you're doing with your due date. I wish things were different for you, and that in addition to celebrating our new president, you were also holding your baby. Kind of bittersweet, I imagine.
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