I always post on here when I'm down, so I figured I should post something positive for once. The past couple of days have been pretty good ones for me. I still feel kind of - I don't know, empty, in a way - but I have actually been getting things done. For example, I have always been bad about grading papers, but I have been especially bad the past couple of weeks. It's the only part of my job that I don't like (dread is probably the word), and I just let myself get more and more behind. The past few days though, I have felt like a normal person and had the drive to get everything done. So, I am all caught up on grading for the first time in a couple of weeks. (Too bad I'm giving a test on Thursday...) :)
Saturday was bad. It was possibly my worst day since the week Ada died. I was feeling so low, and in hindsight, I don't really know where that came from. I could not make myself get out of bed. At about 11:00 that morning (very late for me), Hunter finally - literally - forced me out of bed. He held me while I cried and told me I am going to get better and that he loves me. I know this might sound weird, but him telling me that DID make me feel better. Somehow the rest of the day gradually improved, and I am suddenly feeling almost back to my old, normal self. I know that people who know me worry about me, and Saturday does make me worry about myself a little bit, but the counselor has told me to expect to still have some bad days now and then and to let myself have them. He tells me that it's how grief is, and we can't just suddenly be over it. Even if I'm having a great month, I might still have a bad day here or there.
I love roller coasters, but this is one that I am ready to get off of! I just hope I don't have any more dips like Saturday's in the near future. The past few days have felt really good. I've even made the effort to be more social again, which is one thing that's been really hard for me. I want to have friends, but then I never call anybody or make plans or even stop by my friends' classrooms to say hi in the morning. Also, like I said, I've been getting things done. Before, I would do things like clean the kitchen just to give myself something to do. Now, I do it more for the satisfaction of seeing the job completed. It's hard to describe, and it probably sounds kind of trivial, but there really is a big difference there.
My mom is coming down on Thursday and we're spending the next two days at a teaching conference (we're both teachers). Then next week is Thanksgiving, which I'm actually looking forward to. I think these things are all helping me, because they give me something in the future to be excited about.
Saturday was bad. It was possibly my worst day since the week Ada died. I was feeling so low, and in hindsight, I don't really know where that came from. I could not make myself get out of bed. At about 11:00 that morning (very late for me), Hunter finally - literally - forced me out of bed. He held me while I cried and told me I am going to get better and that he loves me. I know this might sound weird, but him telling me that DID make me feel better. Somehow the rest of the day gradually improved, and I am suddenly feeling almost back to my old, normal self. I know that people who know me worry about me, and Saturday does make me worry about myself a little bit, but the counselor has told me to expect to still have some bad days now and then and to let myself have them. He tells me that it's how grief is, and we can't just suddenly be over it. Even if I'm having a great month, I might still have a bad day here or there.
I love roller coasters, but this is one that I am ready to get off of! I just hope I don't have any more dips like Saturday's in the near future. The past few days have felt really good. I've even made the effort to be more social again, which is one thing that's been really hard for me. I want to have friends, but then I never call anybody or make plans or even stop by my friends' classrooms to say hi in the morning. Also, like I said, I've been getting things done. Before, I would do things like clean the kitchen just to give myself something to do. Now, I do it more for the satisfaction of seeing the job completed. It's hard to describe, and it probably sounds kind of trivial, but there really is a big difference there.
My mom is coming down on Thursday and we're spending the next two days at a teaching conference (we're both teachers). Then next week is Thanksgiving, which I'm actually looking forward to. I think these things are all helping me, because they give me something in the future to be excited about.
2 comments:
I love hearing your positivity. I'm glad you are having some good days full of motivation and peace. I hope the bad days get even less frequent, but am glad you are letting yourself grieve.
Glad to hear you've had a few good days! And I am impressed you managed to improve your bad day even a little on Saturday. I know how impossible it feels to do anything when it hits. Hunter sounds great. My poor hubby hardly knows what to do with me anymore when I am having a bad day.
And I totally relate with the social aspect - I have been in "hiding" since Malou died. It takes a real effort to do even the minimal social things.
Have fun with your mom, and hope T-day gives you (and me! :) something to be thankful for.
Post a Comment