I woke up in a foul mood today. I'm not really sure why. Maybe it's a case of the Mondays. I had a great weekend - we went camping at Suwanee River State Park in northern Florida with friends. It was beautiful and relaxing. We took a few short hikes, watched the river, read, ate yummy camping food, stared at the fire, and enjoyed the company. The weather was even perfect. It was sunny almost the entire time, and just cool enough to make you want to sit by the fire.
To me right now there are three categories of friends. I have friends who don't understand what I'm going through and couldn't care less - or, if they do, they sure don't show it. I have friends who can't quite understand, but they want to and they care about me. They are compassionate. And then I have friends who DO understand, because they have experienced the pain of losing a child themselves. I have very few friends in that last category (that's a good thing, I guess, because I wouldn't wish this on anybody), but the other couple that we went camping with is in that category. They've had two miscarriages this year. It's so unfair.
In my anger I want to go on and on about why this is not fair. I want to list all of the reasons why we and this other couple are "deserving" in my eyes and so many people who seem to pop babies out left and right are not. But dwelling on that is not healthy. My anger makes me judgemental.
I was challenged by a recent post on another blog that I read and this is my resolution: I do not want Ada's life to turn me into a bitter and judgemental person. I know my anger at this point in the grief process is natural, but I need to control it. Instead of turning into someone I don't like, I want to direct myself towards being a better person thanks to Ada's brief little life. I want her precious life to change me by leaving me with strength and compassion rather than anger and bitterness.
Right now, though, I am a person that I don't like. I lack motivation. I don't get things done like I wish I did. Miraculously (considering my apathy), I did a very good lesson today that really got my students speaking in Spanish and I even happened to get observed, but most days I feel like I'm not doing my best at work. I'm not as good of a teacher as I was last year, and I hate that. I am irritable and easily annoyed. I am annoyed by slow drivers, students who don't show up for a makeup test before school after I made the effort to be there early, parents who don't respond to my multiple phone calls about their child's behavior, Thanksgiving and Christmas decorations (because who feels like celebrating?) ...pretty much everything. I wish I could be the person that I used to be, but I know that's never going to happen.
I did have my checkup today and everything seems normal. I've had a little bit of bleeding when I shouldn't, but the doctor didn't seem too concerned. If it happens again this month, though, she wants me to get an ultrasound. Nothing could be as bad as my last ultrasound, but I hope my next one is because I'm pregnant again and not for this.
Also, for you Twilight fans who read this, I am almost done with Breaking Dawn. I should finish it tonight. I could definitely write another post about how I relate to Bella in that book...but I'll just stop here. :)
To me right now there are three categories of friends. I have friends who don't understand what I'm going through and couldn't care less - or, if they do, they sure don't show it. I have friends who can't quite understand, but they want to and they care about me. They are compassionate. And then I have friends who DO understand, because they have experienced the pain of losing a child themselves. I have very few friends in that last category (that's a good thing, I guess, because I wouldn't wish this on anybody), but the other couple that we went camping with is in that category. They've had two miscarriages this year. It's so unfair.
In my anger I want to go on and on about why this is not fair. I want to list all of the reasons why we and this other couple are "deserving" in my eyes and so many people who seem to pop babies out left and right are not. But dwelling on that is not healthy. My anger makes me judgemental.
I was challenged by a recent post on another blog that I read and this is my resolution: I do not want Ada's life to turn me into a bitter and judgemental person. I know my anger at this point in the grief process is natural, but I need to control it. Instead of turning into someone I don't like, I want to direct myself towards being a better person thanks to Ada's brief little life. I want her precious life to change me by leaving me with strength and compassion rather than anger and bitterness.
Right now, though, I am a person that I don't like. I lack motivation. I don't get things done like I wish I did. Miraculously (considering my apathy), I did a very good lesson today that really got my students speaking in Spanish and I even happened to get observed, but most days I feel like I'm not doing my best at work. I'm not as good of a teacher as I was last year, and I hate that. I am irritable and easily annoyed. I am annoyed by slow drivers, students who don't show up for a makeup test before school after I made the effort to be there early, parents who don't respond to my multiple phone calls about their child's behavior, Thanksgiving and Christmas decorations (because who feels like celebrating?) ...pretty much everything. I wish I could be the person that I used to be, but I know that's never going to happen.
I did have my checkup today and everything seems normal. I've had a little bit of bleeding when I shouldn't, but the doctor didn't seem too concerned. If it happens again this month, though, she wants me to get an ultrasound. Nothing could be as bad as my last ultrasound, but I hope my next one is because I'm pregnant again and not for this.
Also, for you Twilight fans who read this, I am almost done with Breaking Dawn. I should finish it tonight. I could definitely write another post about how I relate to Bella in that book...but I'll just stop here. :)
1 comment:
Sorry you woke up in a funk. I do that quite often. If it is worth anything, you do not come across as judgmental or bitter in your posts at all. I've been waiting for you to read Breaking Dawn. I read that just days out of the hospital after delivering Gregory. Isn't that nuts?! I am thinking about you and hoping you are blessed with a BFP soon.
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