Today I was on my way home from work, listening to the radio, and I heard somebody mention something about their baby girl who is almost six months old. I wasn't really thinking about Ada, but I did the math to try to figure out when that baby was born and... BAM. Suddenly it hit: six months ago from today was July 16. Ada was born half a year ago. She would be half a year old. (Really, ideally, she would have been born in November and would only be 2 months old, but you know what I mean.) Luckily I was in my neighborhood and very close to home, because the tears started to flow and they didn't stop.
When I got home I immediately went and got Ada's box. It's been a couple of months since I've opened it, and I took everything out. I held the blanket we wrapped her in and cried and cried. I have not cried like this in months, and I know it might sound crazy, but it felt good. I miss Ada all the time, but I can think about her and smile about the good things or, if I am sad, I just get a little teary eyed. I held the blanket next to me and imagined - no, remembered - what it was like to have her inside of it. I remember her sweet little face (that one picture of her really isn't that good of her face) and her tiny hands and toes. I still even remember her smell.
I continued going through the box - my box of everything that gives evidence to the fact that Ada existed. There are ultrasound pictures, a few "Congratulations on your pregnancy" cards, her baby book that I filled out as much as possible, her footprints, her unfinished Christmas stocking, and a huge stack of sympathy cards. There are probably 100 cards there and I went through and read every single one. I don't think I ever did that before in one sitting. Reading the cards actually cheered me up, because they're such a beautiful reminder of how loved and supported we are. I got flowers from people I had just met one month earlier at a teaching conference and cards from people that I hadn't seen since high school. Two different people donated to Heifer International (an organization that we love!) in her memory. I had three different cards from one of my best friends because she kept sending them to tell me she was still praying for me. Other cards had simple messages like, "We're here whenever you need us" from very close friends, many cards that mentioned tears cried for us (that's always touching), and there were long letters about similar past experiences from people I don't know very well. Each of those cards means so much to me, because it shows how many people's lives were touched by Ada's short little existence.
After I finished looking at everything, I put it all back in Ada's box and put it away. I felt so much better. I know this might sound strange, but it's like I got to spend a little bit of time with her today. I went through just about all of the memories that I have of her. I miss her so much, and I can't believe it's been 6 months since I got to hold my precious baby girl, but I also am thankful for her life. I'm very thankful for this new little life growing inside of me. And I'm thankful for so many people who took the time to tell us that they cared.
When I got home I immediately went and got Ada's box. It's been a couple of months since I've opened it, and I took everything out. I held the blanket we wrapped her in and cried and cried. I have not cried like this in months, and I know it might sound crazy, but it felt good. I miss Ada all the time, but I can think about her and smile about the good things or, if I am sad, I just get a little teary eyed. I held the blanket next to me and imagined - no, remembered - what it was like to have her inside of it. I remember her sweet little face (that one picture of her really isn't that good of her face) and her tiny hands and toes. I still even remember her smell.
I continued going through the box - my box of everything that gives evidence to the fact that Ada existed. There are ultrasound pictures, a few "Congratulations on your pregnancy" cards, her baby book that I filled out as much as possible, her footprints, her unfinished Christmas stocking, and a huge stack of sympathy cards. There are probably 100 cards there and I went through and read every single one. I don't think I ever did that before in one sitting. Reading the cards actually cheered me up, because they're such a beautiful reminder of how loved and supported we are. I got flowers from people I had just met one month earlier at a teaching conference and cards from people that I hadn't seen since high school. Two different people donated to Heifer International (an organization that we love!) in her memory. I had three different cards from one of my best friends because she kept sending them to tell me she was still praying for me. Other cards had simple messages like, "We're here whenever you need us" from very close friends, many cards that mentioned tears cried for us (that's always touching), and there were long letters about similar past experiences from people I don't know very well. Each of those cards means so much to me, because it shows how many people's lives were touched by Ada's short little existence.
After I finished looking at everything, I put it all back in Ada's box and put it away. I felt so much better. I know this might sound strange, but it's like I got to spend a little bit of time with her today. I went through just about all of the memories that I have of her. I miss her so much, and I can't believe it's been 6 months since I got to hold my precious baby girl, but I also am thankful for her life. I'm very thankful for this new little life growing inside of me. And I'm thankful for so many people who took the time to tell us that they cared.
3 comments:
I'm not sure how I found your blog. I'm so sorry for your sweet Ada. I lost my little Emma this summer too. She was born still at 20 weeks on July 22nd due to a cord accident. Strangely enough, I am now expecting as well - 11 weeks today. I hope that our dreams come true for our rainbow babies.
I do the same withed Cameron's box once in awhile! It's nice to just sit and pull things out and hold them and just remember everything.
I cried when it hit 5 months for us. It just seems too long to be without them now, ya know?
I'm glad you got to have the moment with Ada. I agree that it feels good and is very healing!
That's so special and I'm glad you feel better. I remember everything so clearly as well. A big cry can be very healing.
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