Our local paper is sponsoring an essay contest for Mother's Day. You can choose from two topics: Lessons My Child Has Taught Me or How Motherhood Has Changed Me. I've never done anything like this before, but I decided to enter. I seriously doubt I will win, although it would be nice - the winner gets two nights at a local Hilton on the beach, two breakfasts in bed, a massage, and a few other things that go along with the weekend at the beach. I really decided to do it more as therapy for me. Ada has taught me many lessons, and I actually enjoyed writing them down. So, here's my essay...
Lessons My Child Has Taught Me
I became a mother on March 5, 2008 when the pregnancy test turned positive. I had no idea how much that moment would change my life. The next few months went by smoothly and my husband and I were thrilled to find out we were having a baby girl. We named her Ada Elizabeth and began making plans for her future. Those plans all came to a halt on July 14, 2008 when an ultrasound showed that her heart was no longer beating at 23 weeks, 5 days gestation. I was induced and delivered my stillborn daughter – our firstborn – two days later after 32 hours of labor. We held our tiny and beautiful baby girl and told her goodbye.
Ada’s life here on earth may have been brief, but it taught me many valuable lessons. These are lessons that I cherish and that she continues to teach me every day.
Ada’s life taught me that life doesn’t always go the way you planned. My husband and I did everything we thought was best: we waited to start a family until we had been married for five years, both finished graduate school, got good jobs that we enjoy, and bought a house where we could see ourselves raising a family. We thought we had everything under control – but we have since learned that there are some things in life that are out of our control.
Ada’s life taught me that sometimes you need to seek help. For the first time in my life, I realized that I needed to see a counselor. It was hard for me to admit that I needed help, but I am thankful now that I did. I went to a Christian counselor for several months to talk through my grief, and it was a large part of the healing process for me.
Ada’s life taught me that miscarriage, stillbirth, and infant loss are far more common than we are led to believe. According to the National Institute of Child Health and Human Development, nearly 15 percent of all women who know that they are pregnant experience a miscarriage, and nearly one in 200 pregnancies end in stillbirth. This means that for many women, the questions, “How many children do you have?” or “Do you have any children?” may be difficult to answer. Only two weeks after Ada’s death I was asked by a stranger if I have any children, and I said no to avoid the awkwardness I knew would follow an honest response. I spent the rest of the day feeling like I had lied and denied my daughter’s existence. This experience also taught me that I don’t know where other people are coming from and that I should be sensitive to their life experiences.
Ada’s life taught me the value of family and friends. I was overwhelmed by the outpouring of love and support that we received after her death. Our house was filled with flower arrangements and every day we received a stack of cards in the mail. My family and in-laws who mostly live 2 states away came to be with us at her small memorial service. Our former pastor, a family friend who also performed our wedding ceremony, insisted on flying down to lead the service. The presence and kind words of so many people helped us get through the days following her death. Now that I know how much this meant to me, I am challenged to help others going through difficult situations.
Ada’s life taught me that a mother can never hear her child’s name often enough. Every mother loves to talk about her child. I think most people are afraid to mention Ada’s name to me for fear that they will only upset me, but honestly I want to talk about my children just as much as any other mother. Her name is music to my ears.
Ada’s life taught me that you have to move forward after dealing with a loss. Whether it’s the loss of a child, a loved one, a relationship, a job, or any other part of your life, you have to move forward. I do not use the term “get over it” because I will never be “over” the loss of my daughter, but I know that I need to move forward as I continue to honor her life and memory. My husband and I are excitedly awaiting the birth of our second daughter, Eleanor Elizabeth. She is expected to arrive almost exactly on Ada’s first birthday.
Most of all, Ada’s life taught me the depth of a mother’s ability to love her children. I may have only carried Ada inside of me for a few short months and held her in my arms for a matter of minutes, but she will always be a part of my life. I think about Ada every day; sometimes these thoughts are accompanied by tears, but mostly I think of her with a smile. I am thankful for the time I had with her. I am equally thankful for the new life growing inside of me and I cannot wait to meet my other daughter. Mothers have an amazing ability to love all of their children with a love that knows no limits.
