Today marks 24 weeks - the day that Ada was born. (I found out that Monday but the doctor waited until Tuesday to induce so I could get over the shock a little bit...and then labor took a day and a half.) I know that she actually died about a week earlier, but I think of her as being born at 24 weeks. Technically, that's when my pregnancy "ended."
So, as of 5:19 this evening, I am now more pregnant than I have ever been. It's bittersweet. I'm so excited about Eleanor, and we had a very uneventful appointment today where I got to hear her heartbeat and I got my prescription for the glucose screening. I'm incredibly thankful that everything is progressing as it should be. On the other hand, though, I'm reminded that I'm past everything that I experienced with Ada. From now on, this pregnancy will be full of new experiences that I get to have with Eleanor but that I never had with Ada.
It's amazing how I can go on for days like I'm fine, only to suddenly be overwhelmed by grief. I think writing this post made me realize just how hard this milestone is for me. I had to stop writing for a few minutes because I couldn't see through my tears. I just miss Ada so much...beyond what any words could describe.
So, as of 5:19 this evening, I am now more pregnant than I have ever been. It's bittersweet. I'm so excited about Eleanor, and we had a very uneventful appointment today where I got to hear her heartbeat and I got my prescription for the glucose screening. I'm incredibly thankful that everything is progressing as it should be. On the other hand, though, I'm reminded that I'm past everything that I experienced with Ada. From now on, this pregnancy will be full of new experiences that I get to have with Eleanor but that I never had with Ada.
It's amazing how I can go on for days like I'm fine, only to suddenly be overwhelmed by grief. I think writing this post made me realize just how hard this milestone is for me. I had to stop writing for a few minutes because I couldn't see through my tears. I just miss Ada so much...beyond what any words could describe.
4 comments:
I'm sorry. I feel the same way. I have now already given Number 2 more of a life than I was able to give Gregory and I'm sad about that, but of course so happy he/she is healthy. I also deal with the utter grief that comes out of nowhere. So glad Eleanor is doing well. Hugs.
Oh, Beth, of course you want for Ada was Eleanor has. You want and love them both. You wanted to experience a happy, uneventful pregnancy with Ada too, so it's natural to be overwhelmed with grief even as you're enjoying your pregnancy with Eleanor. I am so sorry. What I wouldn't do for a magic wand. I have a lot of waving I'd do...
I know this is a very bittersweet milestone for you and your hubby...uncharted territory from this point on...
I'm so glad that this pregnancy has been relatively uneventful, and that things are going the way that they should go~
((hugs))
I also know how you feel. I sometimes feel guilty that I am excited about good news for Babylou. I feel that somehow I am cheating on Georgia. I am so glad that things are going well for you and I am also excited that you have reached this milestone... it is a big one.
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