I don't have much time to write now, so I'm just going to list a few of my random thoughts from today. Forgive me if this post is a little incoherent.
Tomorrow marks the day in my pregnancy when we found out Ada was gone, but this evening was the time that I started to get kind of nervous. Since Ada and Eleanor's due dates are both on Wednesdays, even my days of the week are the same during this pregnancy. The day before we found out was a Sunday, and I remember answering people's questions at church about when my due date was, do we know if it's a boy or a girl, etc. I remember telling people her name. Less than 24 hours later, we found out she was gone.
Ada should have been at church with us today. I'm not big on fancy Easter dresses because I think dressing your child up in expensive clothes has nothing to do with the true meaning of Easter, but she would have had on some cute little dress, I know. Everybody would have wanted to see her and hold her - people always flock to babies at church. I started thinking about this during the service and fortunately we prayed then so I could wipe away my tears when nobody noticed.
The scripture reading today was about when Mary first visited the tomb and found that Jesus was gone. Of course, growing up in church, especially as a preacher's kid, I have heard this story so many times. I heard it in a totally different way this year though. As a mother who has lost a child, I now know how important it was for me to see my child's body. I know this probably sounds morbid to those of you who haven't been through it, but it was. I remember when the nurse offered to bring Ada back to us the second time and I was really relieved - I didn't realize I was going to get to see her again. Today I thought about, what if they told me her body was gone? What if an angel had appeared to me? For the first time in my life, I actually thought about how Mary felt when she went through that experience and I think I understand, more or less.
I have not been excited about Easter this year - or Christmas, or Valentine's Day, for that matter. Holidays just don't seem as meaningful. I realized yesterday that I have a bunch of Easter decorations that I never even put out this year. Anyway, today during the service the choir was singing about how Jesus is risen. In all of my grief and bitterness this past year, I find that sometimes I just don't care much about church. I'm not angry with God (I was for a while there), and in some ways my faith is deeper than it was before, but then again I have times when - well, I don't know how to explain it. Church itself just doesn't excite me sometimes. Anyway, back to the point. During the song that the choir sang, I thought about how Jesus is still alive. And Ada is with him. And that was definitely the most meaningful part of Easter for me this year.
Tomorrow marks the day in my pregnancy when we found out Ada was gone, but this evening was the time that I started to get kind of nervous. Since Ada and Eleanor's due dates are both on Wednesdays, even my days of the week are the same during this pregnancy. The day before we found out was a Sunday, and I remember answering people's questions at church about when my due date was, do we know if it's a boy or a girl, etc. I remember telling people her name. Less than 24 hours later, we found out she was gone.
Ada should have been at church with us today. I'm not big on fancy Easter dresses because I think dressing your child up in expensive clothes has nothing to do with the true meaning of Easter, but she would have had on some cute little dress, I know. Everybody would have wanted to see her and hold her - people always flock to babies at church. I started thinking about this during the service and fortunately we prayed then so I could wipe away my tears when nobody noticed.
The scripture reading today was about when Mary first visited the tomb and found that Jesus was gone. Of course, growing up in church, especially as a preacher's kid, I have heard this story so many times. I heard it in a totally different way this year though. As a mother who has lost a child, I now know how important it was for me to see my child's body. I know this probably sounds morbid to those of you who haven't been through it, but it was. I remember when the nurse offered to bring Ada back to us the second time and I was really relieved - I didn't realize I was going to get to see her again. Today I thought about, what if they told me her body was gone? What if an angel had appeared to me? For the first time in my life, I actually thought about how Mary felt when she went through that experience and I think I understand, more or less.
I have not been excited about Easter this year - or Christmas, or Valentine's Day, for that matter. Holidays just don't seem as meaningful. I realized yesterday that I have a bunch of Easter decorations that I never even put out this year. Anyway, today during the service the choir was singing about how Jesus is risen. In all of my grief and bitterness this past year, I find that sometimes I just don't care much about church. I'm not angry with God (I was for a while there), and in some ways my faith is deeper than it was before, but then again I have times when - well, I don't know how to explain it. Church itself just doesn't excite me sometimes. Anyway, back to the point. During the song that the choir sang, I thought about how Jesus is still alive. And Ada is with him. And that was definitely the most meaningful part of Easter for me this year.
3 comments:
I hear you on the lack of excitement during the holidays. I didn't put up any of our Easter decorations and didn't even THINK about it until I just read your blog. I hope tomorrow isn't too tough on you and I hope Eleanor moves around a bunch so as to ease your mind a little bit.
Beth,
I didn't think this post was incoherent at all, and I identify with everything that in your post. I still question why God choose to bring Lily home, but I do feel as if my relationship with Him is closer. I love how the message at your church was from Mary's POV for Easter. I've gone to church my whole life also and could recite the resurrection story in my sleep, but the story never fails to bring thankfulness to my heart.
Any holiday for us will forever be changed and something will be missing. We know what the something is, but most people wouldn't understand :(
Jen
Hi Beth. What a nice post.
I'm glad too that the nurses brought Ada back to you for another peek. I remember being so nervous to see Malou after her autopsy, but the hospital minister told me most parents regret not seeing their child again, rather than regretting that they did. And it was certainly true for me. Of course, it's never enough, but it's such a powerful urge, to see and hold and cuddle and love your baby.
-Stephanie
PS I'm glad Eleanor is giving you some reassurance.
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