Stuffed animals

The theme for Ada's nursery, which we planned to keep the same for all future babies, is animals around the world. I have this really cute painting of a world map (see below) with animals drawn on the places where they are from - there's a bald eagle in the US, a penguin in Antarctica, etc. I also started collecting stuffed animals and planned to put up a shelf of them. I got a llama, a giraffe, and an elephant, plus I already had a few of my own. So this afternoon I went to Kohl's (it was one of the first times I've actually felt like going out in a while) and they had a bunch of cute stuffed animals for $5 each - including a penguin. I love penguins. I went ahead and bought it, but I hope I'm not jinxing anything.

This is not the first time I've seen animals that I wanted to get for the nursery since Ada died, but it's the first time I've actually bought one. It was just too sad before. About 2 weeks after she died, Hunter and I went to Tampa for a day; we really just needed to get out of town. We spent the morning at a place called Big Cat Rescue, which we both loved. The name pretty much says it all, but basically they are a non-profit organization whose mission is to rescue big cats (lions, bobcats, cougars, ocelots, servals, etc.) from being abused by humans or who are orphaned as cubs and cannot survive on their own. It is not a zoo, and their number one priority is to keep the cats happy rather than entertain people. Anyway, after the tour we stopped by the gift shop. They had all kinds of stuffed animals - it made me cry there in the shop. I just couldn't buy one.

For Ada's due date, Hunter and I made a donation to Big Cat. We will get a small plaque on one of the "Cat-A-Tats" (like reallllly giant cages) that will say in memory of Ada. Plus, we also get quite a few passes so we can go back and see it. I'm not sure yet if we'll get to choose which cat gets the plaque (we're still waiting for the paperwork), but that could be interesting to pick one out. I'm thinking maybe the white tiger. As I learned on the tour, white tigers are not a species and they only live in captivity by imbreeding. This causes many defects, early deaths, and stillbirths. That caught my attention.

Hope

I am feeling hopeful today for a few reasons. For one, I am hopeful that we just conceived another baby. If my body doesn't tell me otherwise first, I plan to take a pregnancy test on Thanksgiving Day. I will either have something to be really thankful for, or...well, I don't want to consider the alternative just yet. But I am optimistic, partly because this month is our fourth try since losing Ada, and we conceived Ada on our fourth try last time. Also, Thanksgiving last year was when we first started trying. We would really have come full circle. Plus, my body seems to be doing better and I am hoping that I am finally healed enough for this to work.

I used to be embarrassed to discuss this sort of thing. Last time we were trying, nobody knew but the two of us, so of course I never talked about it. I considered it a very private matter. I have a new perspective now though. I want to tell everybody that we're expecting as soon as we know, because what's the point in being so cautious? Last time not even our own mothers knew until I was 14 weeks pregnant, but it really made no difference in the end. There were 10 weeks there when we knew and we could have been sharing our joy with others. Hunter and I were the only ones who knew about Ada for more than half of her life.

The other reason that I am feeling hopeful is that I feel like I'm doing better emotionally and spiritually. I went to my counselor again last night and I left feeling, well, hopeful. For "homework" the week before, he had me fill out this sheet about difficult times in my life and how God was present in those times. 3 of the 4 situations that I wrote about are things that, looking back on them, I am actually thankful for - although at the time, I thought I was having the worst experience of my life. What I wrote down that I learned during those times included "God answers prayers, just sometimes the timing is not what we expect" and "God has a plan for us even when we can't see it." Hmmm.

Psalm 42

As the deer pants for streams of water,
so my soul pants for you, O God.
My soul thirsts for God, for the living God.
When can I go and meet with God?

My tears have been my food
day and night,
while men say to me all day long,
"Where is your God?"

These things I remember
as I pour out my soul:
how I used to go with the multitude,
leading the procession to the house of God,
with shouts of joy and thanksgiving
among the festive throng.

Why are you downcast, O my soul?
Why so disturbed within me?
Put your hope in God,
for I will yet praise him,
my Savior and my God.
My soul is downcast within me;
therefore I will remember you
from the land of the Jordan,
the heights of Hermon—from Mount Mizar.

Deep calls to deep
in the roar of your waterfalls;
all your waves and breakers
have swept over me.

By day the LORD directs his love,
at night his song is with me—
a prayer to the God of my life.

I say to God my Rock,
"Why have you forgotten me?
Why must I go about mourning,
oppressed by the enemy?"

My bones suffer mortal agony
as my foes taunt me,
saying to me all day long,
"Where is your God?"

Why are you downcast, O my soul?
Why so disturbed within me?
Put your hope in God,
for I will yet praise him,
my Savior and my God.

Manic Monday

I woke up in a foul mood today. I'm not really sure why. Maybe it's a case of the Mondays. I had a great weekend - we went camping at Suwanee River State Park in northern Florida with friends. It was beautiful and relaxing. We took a few short hikes, watched the river, read, ate yummy camping food, stared at the fire, and enjoyed the company. The weather was even perfect. It was sunny almost the entire time, and just cool enough to make you want to sit by the fire.

To me right now there are three categories of friends. I have friends who don't understand what I'm going through and couldn't care less - or, if they do, they sure don't show it. I have friends who can't quite understand, but they want to and they care about me. They are compassionate. And then I have friends who DO understand, because they have experienced the pain of losing a child themselves. I have very few friends in that last category (that's a good thing, I guess, because I wouldn't wish this on anybody), but the other couple that we went camping with is in that category. They've had two miscarriages this year. It's so unfair.

In my anger I want to go on and on about why this is not fair. I want to list all of the reasons why we and this other couple are "deserving" in my eyes and so many people who seem to pop babies out left and right are not. But dwelling on that is not healthy. My anger makes me judgemental.

I was challenged by a recent post on another blog that I read and this is my resolution: I do not want Ada's life to turn me into a bitter and judgemental person. I know my anger at this point in the grief process is natural, but I need to control it. Instead of turning into someone I don't like, I want to direct myself towards being a better person thanks to Ada's brief little life. I want her precious life to change me by leaving me with strength and compassion rather than anger and bitterness.

Right now, though, I am a person that I don't like. I lack motivation. I don't get things done like I wish I did. Miraculously (considering my apathy), I did a very good lesson today that really got my students speaking in Spanish and I even happened to get observed, but most days I feel like I'm not doing my best at work. I'm not as good of a teacher as I was last year, and I hate that. I am irritable and easily annoyed. I am annoyed by slow drivers, students who don't show up for a makeup test before school after I made the effort to be there early, parents who don't respond to my multiple phone calls about their child's behavior, Thanksgiving and Christmas decorations (because who feels like celebrating?) ...pretty much everything. I wish I could be the person that I used to be, but I know that's never going to happen.

I did have my checkup today and everything seems normal. I've had a little bit of bleeding when I shouldn't, but the doctor didn't seem too concerned. If it happens again this month, though, she wants me to get an ultrasound. Nothing could be as bad as my last ultrasound, but I hope my next one is because I'm pregnant again and not for this.

Also, for you Twilight fans who read this, I am almost done with Breaking Dawn. I should finish it tonight. I could definitely write another post about how I relate to Bella in that book...but I'll just stop here. :)

Replacement

Wow, I am a post-writing fanatic tonight. I thought I was done, but then I saw something on Facebook that I had to mention here.

One of my friends lost her dog this week...he was hit by a car. Here was somebody's response: "I know how easily we become attached to our pets. They're our furry children. Have you thought about getting a new one?"

If you lost your child, would your only concern be getting a new one??? People seem to think that if I just get pregnant again then everything will be okay. But just like my friend will always miss her dog and all that was special about that dog, I will always miss Ada and all of the ways that she was special to me.

Okay, now I really am done for the day!

Alone in a group

Tonight I had a meeting at church. The lady who wasn't there last month because she was having her baby was back tonight...you guessed it, with the baby. And it's a cute, dark-haired girl.

Before she got there somebody else said that she was coming, and another person's response was "Oh! We'll have to pass that baby around the table!"

I pretended to go to the bathroom. I just had to go in there to cry for a couple of minutes.

Well, the baby was pretty quiet, and thankfully we did not pass her around. Still, everybody oooohed and aaahhed over her and made the meeting take twice as long as it should have. I got out of there as quickly as I could. I felt so lonely in that group.

Out of the 5 other people at the meeting, 3 of them know about Ada (including the new mom). They all sent me a card after we lost her. That's the last any of them have ever said to me about her. Do they think we've forgotten??? Did they not see the flowers at church that mentioned that her due date was yesterday? It was just so hard to be in that meeting tonight.

Ada's due date

Ada's due date came and went without any real fanfare. Like I already mentioned, we took the day off and went to the beach in the morning. It's the closest thing that we have to visiting a grave, after all. I was supposed to have a checkup with my doctor, but right when I got there they were calling me to say that she was tied up in the hospital. Somebody ELSE was having a baby on my baby's due date. That stung. They told me I could wait around or reschedule. I'm going back on Monday.

Otherwise, though, most of the day was just "blah" like the cool cloudy weather. I did have an appointment with my counselor too, and it was somewhat productive. My previous post comes from some of what we talked about.

I thought yesterday would be remarkable somehow. I thought I would cry and cry, but I really didn't. It was just like any other day...and that's what is so terribly sad about it.

Pure joy?

Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything. James 1:2-3

Joy? Pure joy? That's not exactly what I would call what I'm feeling right now. To be honest, the first part of this verse almost makes me mad. How can I consider it joy that my daughter died? How could anybody possibly expect that of me?

BUT... I don't think that's what James is saying. I'm smart enough to understand that. This verse challenges me to look for the good that is coming out of this experience. In 50 years when I look back on all of the challenges that I faced in my life, I hope that I will feel some satisfaction when I think about how I came through everything and handled the obstacles in life.

"Mature and complete"...yes, I do feel like I've aged about 10 years over the last few months. I feel like I'm much wiser and much more compassionate than I was before. When I feel isolated, I think a lot about others who are isolated in our society. Who do I isolate? Who wishes that I cared about their problems, like I wish that more people would show me that they care about mine?

Still, I don't know why I had to go through this to grow in maturity. I still don't believe that God willed for Ada to die. I will never believe that. But this is the part that I struggle with...why didn't God intervene? I can only come to two conclusions.

1. God couldn't intervene. I don't mean to sound blasphemous, because I've always believed (and yes, I still do) that God can do anything. But I have to consider this option. Maybe when God set the world in motion with all of its natural laws (gravity, humans needing oxygen, etc.) he can't go back on those laws. Well, if that's the case, why do we ever pray for anything?

2. God could intervene but chose not to. Well, excuse my language here, but why the hell not? Either he doesn't care, which I certainly don't believe, or he does - but there's something greater going on than I can understand. And I guess that's the only reasonable conclusion that I can come to. But I don't like it.

Today

Today has been...odd. It's not exactly what I expected. I think it's mainly because I'm sleep-deprived.

Last night I stayed up late to watch the election results and Obama's speech. At 11:00 when they announced that he won, there was a picture of him up on the screen and it said "The 44th president of the United States of America." The magnitude of that moment hit me, and I actually got tears in my eyes. I was just so excited about seeing history being made and seeing that this country is going in a new direction. I always vote in every election (not just presidential elections), and this is the first time a person I've voted for has ever won. It felt so good.

Then, I began to cry much harder because I realized how much I wanted Ada to be born on election day. I know it's silly, and of course it would not have mattered if she came on a different date, but I was sad more because I realized that she would never witness this historic day. I will never get to tell her how history was made on (or close to) the day she was born.

A student let me borrow the third book in the series I've been reading yesterday, and I finished it this morning. Besides watching the news, that's pretty much all I've been doing since I left work yesterday. I haven't had time to stop and think about Ada. I haven't really let myself.

My husband and I both took today off. This morning we got up early to go to the beach and watch the sun rise like we did when we scattered her ashes. It was kind of chilly and not nearly as beautiful of a morning as that day in July. We were both pretty quiet, but we sat there talking about her for a while.

I hate seeing my husband cry. It always makes me feel like I've let him down in some way. Then again, I'm glad he's not one of those men who are afraid to cry or show emotion. I always know where Hunter stands.

Anyway, before we left the beach I wrote Ada's name in the sand. We both stood there watching it, waiting for the waves to wash it away. It seemed to take forever, and I was almost wondering if it wouldn't happen. Then, out of nowhere, a wave came up and, as Hunter said, "Just like that, it's gone. Sounds familiar."

Now, today of all days, I have to get ready for my 3 month checkup at my OB. I just really hope there are no very pregnant women in the waiting room.

Tagged

Tamara (Jenna's mom) tagged me so I have to list seven weird things about myself. Hmmm.

1. I have moved a lot. I've lived in 4 countries and 6 states. When I went off to college I had moved 12 times. Hunter and I bought our first house last summer and I will be quite happy to never move again.

2. I can get obsessive. For example, I LOVE the tv show Gilmore Girls. I have all 7 seasons on DVD and I have watched every episode multiple times. When the shows were still on the air I would go to forums and read everybody's opinions on the shows and any spoilers I could find. I've even been to the set of the show in L.A. I've been obsessive about other things (like or Harry Potter or Heroes or now the Twilight series), but Gilmore Girls takes the cake.

3. I'm a planner. I don't think that's so strange, but other people do. What's so crazy about making your Christmas plans in July? :)

4. I don't have a tv on the first floor of my house. Again, I don't think this is so strange, but others do. (I should add that our bedroom is on the first floor.) We have one in the den upstairs but we rarely watch it. Despite the whole Gilmore Girls mania, I really don't watch tv that often. At least, I don't ever waste time by mindlessly flipping channels. Instead I waste my time on the internet.

5. Despite the fact that I'm from South Carolina (moreso than anywhere else), I hate peaches. SC actually produces even more peaches than GA which makes this so ironic. The only thing nastier than peaches are canned peaches. *shudder*

6. I loooooooooooove to travel. In the nearly 6 years we've been married, Hunter and I have gone to Mexico, Niagara Falls, Mammoth Cave, Washington, D.C., Miami (we didn't live in FL then either), L.A., a big trip to 6 national parks out west, a cruise to Key West and Cozumel (I discovered I'm not a fan of cruises, at least not the being waited on hand and foot part), Puerto Rico, and numerous camping trips. We're going to Costa Rica in December. I'm very good at finding bargains like $24 roundtrip tickets to Puerto Rico. My ideal vacation is a trip to somewhere I've never been before that includes history or beautiful scenery. I would never choose relaxing on the beach or a trip to Disney World. (Ironic, yes, considering where I live.)

7. I met my husband when I was only 17 - I've known him for one third of my life. I don't mean to sound cheesy, but he is definitely my best friend.

I tag Holly P, Jen, Jenni, and Shelley...and anybody else that wants to do this.

Escape

This weekend, I escaped from reality. I read two novels - something like 1050 pages - in a day and a half. They're the first two books in the Twilight series, and they are so good! I can really get absorbed by a good book, movie, or even a tv show (Lost, Heroes...) and when I finish I have to snap out of it. (I bought the 6th Harry Potter book at midnight and finished it by about 8:00 pm the next day. I did sleep somewhere in there too.) These books were so good that I almost completely forgot to be sad for a few days. It was fun.

Still, there were a few parts that made me stop and think about my own life for a few minutes. In the first book there is a character who has adopted some children and she talks about how she lost a baby herself when it was only a few days old so she really has that "maternal instinct." I know that feeling. I could really relate to the main character in the second book. I don't want to give away too much in case you plan to read these books, but a major part of the story in that book is a girl missing the boy that she loves. Sometimes I felt likes I was reading about myself:

I wondered how long this could last. Maybe someday, years from now - if the pain would just decrease to the point where I could bear it - I would be able to look back on those few short months that would always be the best of my life. ... But what if this hole never got any better? If the raw edges never healed? If the damage was permanent and irreversible? ... I was changed, my insides altered almost past the point of recognition.

I was like a lost moon—my planet destroyed in some cataclysmic, disaster-movie scenario of desolation—that continued, nevertheless, to circle in a tight little orbit around the empty space left behind, ignoring the laws of gravity.

Before you, ..., my life was like a moonless night. Very dark, but there were stars--points of light and reason....And then you shot across my sky like a meteor. Suddenly everything was on fire; there was brilliancy, there was beauty. When you were gone, when the meteor had fallen over the horizon, everything went black. Nothing had changed, but my eyes were blinded by the light. I couldn't see the stars anymore. And there was no more reason for anything.

I don't feel quite that dramatic, but I can relate. Anyway, I enjoyed my weekend for the most part. There were two hard moments today though.

I realized that Ada's due date is only 3 days from now. I thought to myself, "In 3 days this nightmare will all be over." What I meant was that I will be past the very painful reminders. Then I started to cry, because I don't want it to be over!! I want to deliver a baby this week! And of course, I also know that it will not be "over" on Wednesday...this will never be over.

Then tonight there was a chili cook-off at church to raise money for the church preschool. A lady who works at the preschool but doesn't attend our church saw me for the first time since late June. She smiled when she saw me and asked, "So, how's the baby?" I always dread responding to something like that, mainly because I don't want to make the person feel bad. When I told her, her reaction was a pretty simple, "Oh, I'm sorry." She really didn't seem too upset. I have no idea what I was expecting though. Anyway, it was nice that somebody actually remembered that I am supposed to have a baby. Oh yeah, and also at the cook-off there was a man walking around holding his baby girl - she was probably about 6 months old. I got a little misty eyed because it made me think about how I will never get to see Hunter with our baby girl. I think he will make such a good dad.