A special gift

This post isn't really about Ada, but I thought it was an appropriate story to share here...

I have a friend from college, Shelley, who had a beautiful little girl named Elliana.  Elliana was born just a couple of weeks after Ada and she lived for just under a month.  She had Trisomy 13.

This past weekend Shelley and I saw each other at our friend Emily's baby shower. It was the first time we have seen each other since I was pregnant with Ada and she was pregnant with Elliana.   Sadly I didn't even think to get a picture of us together, but here is a picture of Shelley, her oldest daughter, Carson, Emily, and Shelley's new little rainbow baby, Isaac.

Eleanor and I were also at the shower - Eleanor was pretty tired by this point!

At the shower, Shelley handed me a gift for Eleanor that was wrapped up so beautifully. I felt bad because I hadn't even thought to bring something for her baby. I didn't open the gift until later, but when I did, I cried. In the card she explained to Eleanor that this doll was given to Elliana when she was born and that Elliana had never gotten to play with it. She thought that Eleanor was the perfect girl to get to play with this doll. This is a very special gift, and Eleanor has enjoyed playing with her already. As she grows older, I will be sure to tell her about what a special girl Elliana was.

Bitterness

A couple of things today have left me feeling a bit bitter.  I know they probably shouldn't, but I can't help it.

Tonight I heard a girl sharing her testimony.  She talked about how she did drugs, drank alcohol, and had an abortion when she was 16.  Years later, as she put it, God forgave her and blessed her when she and her husband conceived twins on their honeymoon.

I don't mean to belittle her story in any way, because she was such a sweet person and she truly has had a tough life.  I appreciated her honesty.  But I can't help but think, what about all of the women who can't conceive a child?  Or have held their dead baby in their arms?  What about my friend who is an amazing person and is just devastated after 3 miscarriages and 1 stillbirth and still no healthy child?  Is God not "blessing" her?  What did SHE do wrong?  (please note the sarcasm)

Then tonight I saw on Facebook that a friend of mine got to hear her baby's heartbeat for the first time today.  I'm very happy and excited for her - I know how wonderful that sound is!  She posted these verses from Psalm 139:

For You formed my inward parts; You wove me in my mother's womb. I will give thanks to You, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made; Wonderful are Your works, and my soul knows it very well. My frame was not hidden from You, when I was made in secret, and skillfully wrought in the depths of the earth; Your eyes have seen my unformed substance; and in Your book were all written the days that were ordained for me, when as yet there was not one of them.

 I remember thinking of those verses when I was pregnant with Ada.   I was as excited and happy as my friend is.  I also remember hearing my husband's broken, tearful voice reading them out loud - I was too upset to speak - when we scattered her ashes over a year and a half ago.  I am happy for my friend, but I guess I'm jealous of her happiness and ignorance.  It really is bliss.

Thank you, Ada

I've been meaning to post on here for a while, but it's been hard to find the time.  I still think about Ada a lot these days, and I realize that I am still grieving for her.  My life is generally happy, yes, and Eleanor is absolutely wonderful, but there are times when I still think of my sweet Ada and I miss her so much.  She was conceived 2 years ago this week.

A friend of mine just lost her 4th pregnancy. She and her husband have a 50/50 chance of conceiving a healthy child for genetic reasons, and they are 0 for 4 so far. Three of those pregnancies ended in a miscarriage, but the third one made it to 23 weeks. I just cannot imagine what she is going through. I can't imagine facing the decision: do we try again and risk even more heartbreak for the possibility of having a healthy baby? (Yes, in vitro is an option, but it's around $20,000 and there are no guarantees.)  Last night I listened to my friend for a long time. I didn't tell her what to do, or that everything is going to be okay. I just listened, because I remember that that's what I needed most after Ada died. Ada's little life taught me how to be a more thoughtful person.

I was reminded of that again today. My sister called me to tell me the horrible news that one of her friends lost her 8-year-old daughter in an accident last night. Her family was on their way home from an Ash Wednesday service and she was in the car with her 3 older siblings and their dad when they hit a deer. The deer came through the windshield and hit and killed her, but the rest of the family is fine. The mom was still at the church at a meeting - she is the pastor.

How on earth do you cope with this kind of pain? I sent them a sympathy card basically to say, "I am sad with you." That's what people really want to hear when they're grieving. Yet another lesson I learned from Ada's life.

I miss Ada and sometimes when I'm playing with my sweet, smiley Eleanor I wonder what Ada would have been like as a 6-month-old. (After all, how can I not be constantly reminded of her when I'm STILL getting things in the mail for my toddler between the ages of 12 months and 3 years??) But then things like this happen, and I realize that at least some good has come out of Ada's death. It taught me to be a better person. She continues to teach me every day, and I'm thankful to my sweet firstborn baby girl for that.

Haiti

The news from Haiti has hit me really hard, especially the stories of parents losing their children. Here's a touching post that really got to me. It's just devastating.

And what about the children who survived the quake? How are they going to live through the next few months? How are they even going to live through the next 48 hours? I watched one story on CNN yesterday about a 15-day-old baby with a head laceration. She's going to be okay, but she needs antibiotics. Do they even have enough medicine for these kinds of things? Also, her mother was killed in the earthquake. I have no idea if she was breastfed, but how are they going to feed this baby now? How will they get formula and clean water to mix it with? I'm just hoping the family can find another nursing mother who can feed the baby. Of course, that woman would need food and water as well. I wish I could send milk to this baby.

I've heard that all organizations really want right now is money, so here are some links to sites where you can give donations. All of these charities are ranked with 4 stars by Charity Navigator, meaning they all manage their money well. If everybody gave even just $10 to help the relief effort, it would be huge.

American Red Cross
World Vision International
Save the Children
Habitat for Humanity

Packing it up

Yesterday I packed up some of Eleanor's clothes that she's outgrown. She's only 5 1/2 months, but she's tall and she's getting into 6-9 month clothes. I had several outfits for Ada that were size 6 months, and Eleanor was able to wear them. It never made me sad for her to wear them; instead, I guess I felt like at least I had something of Ada's to pass on. Well, Eleanor has now outgrown all of the things I had for Ada. It was really hard for me to put those clothes away, I guess because Eleanor will never have any other hand-me-downs from her big sister. When I was pregnant with Ada, 6 month size clothes seemed so big! Now Eleanor is past that point, and little tiny Ada never got to be big enough to wear them.

Christmas at the beach

Today we took Eleanor on her first trip to the beach. We went to the same beach where we spread Ada's ashes nearly a year and a half ago. Has it really been that long?

As we walked along, Hunter smiled and said he can just imagine Eleanor running by the waves and picking up shells in a year or so. That image makes me so happy, but so sad at the same time. When we were spreading Ada's ashes I thought about exactly that - how I would MISS seeing her do all of those things at the beach. As I watch Eleanor grow and develop a little personality, I realize how much I don't know about Ada. I don't know what she would have looked or acted like. I just wish I could have had more time.

Here are a few pictures from our trip today.

Ada's book

When I was 10 weeks pregnant with Ada, Hunter and I took a big trip out west. We were in the gift shop at the Petrified Forest National Park when I saw this book and I knew we had to get it. We had already decided that the theme for her nursery would be animals of the world, and this was a perfect addition. It has wonderful labeled drawings of LOTS of different desert animals, and rhyming phrases that say what they do. ("I sting", "I sing")

This book was the first purchase we made together for Ada, and Hunter read it to her very often. We always laughed at the picture of some sort of deer kicking and saying, "I kick" because it reminded us of Ada and how she would kick.

After Ada died, Hunter kept it by his bed and read it many times, always with tears. I contemplated putting it in Ada's box, but we decided that it is too good of a book and we wanted all of our kids to get to read it. Since Eleanor has been born I haven't been able to bring myself to pick up that book - it was just too hard. Yesterday though, Hunter and I were together with Eleanor and I went to pick out a book for her. I decided that it was a good time since we were all here, so I picked up I Howl, I Growl. Hunter read it to her and we both cried as he read it. That was really hard for both of us - probably the saddest we have been since Eleanor was born. It's amazing how a silly little book can remind you of all of the joy and excitement that you once had... and then lost.

Ada on my mind

Ada's been on my mind a lot the past few days. I don't know if it's the approach of the holidays or what, but it seems like there are little reminders all the time. Last night for whatever reason, I started thinking about her as I was lying in bed and trying to fall asleep. I never really think about this, but I started remembering her ashes and what they felt like in my hand. For those of you who have never seen a person's ashes, it's not exactly what you might expect. There's ash, but there are also little bits of bone mixed in. Yeah, I know it's gross, but it's reality. So last night all I could think about were those little bits of bone. I get to look at Eleanor every day and watch her grow up (and boy does she grow fast!), but with Ada the last memory I have of her is feeling those little pieces in my hand and then letting them go into the ocean. I know it's macabre and like I said I really never think about that part, but for some reason it was on my mind last night.

Then today I was at MOPS (Mothers of Preschoolers) and we've been watching this video series about adjusting to life as a mom. The videos are actually really interesting and the stories bring up some good points. In the story today though, the woman kept mentioning something about her child being her "first". She must have said that word 10 times. I almost had to get up and go to the bathroom because I was afraid I was going to start crying right then and people would think I was crazy because the story itself wasn't sad at all.

I will always call Eleanor my oldest, but I will never say that she's my first. I held the ashes of my first child and let her go. I wonder what part of the world she's visiting today. :)

My daughters' ornaments

Cleaning out the closet

We have been cleaning out our house and preparing for a yard sale. It's amazing how much STUFF you accumulate once you settle down and stop moving every year. Anyway, I was cleaning out our closet and I came across the bag I got at my OB's office when I had my first appointment after I got pregnant with Ada. I put all of the paperwork, free samples, magazines, and other stuff that I accumulated from my doctor's visits in that bag. Somehow, it got pushed to the back of the closet and I never noticed it. Well, I went through it last night and I had to look at every single stupid little thing. I searched for the date on everything! The sample pregnancy vitamins? They expire in January. The Huggies coupons? They expired last December. The various magazines were all dated around April or May of 2008.

I told Hunter about everything when I finished and how I thought it was weird that I wanted to see the date on everything. He said, "You needed to be reminded that it was real." And that's the truth. Sometimes it seems like Ada's short little life never happened. All I have is her footprints, the snowglobe from my aunt, her box, and two ornaments on the tree to remind me. (I posted about both of them last year here and here. I made a new one for Eleanor this year that's green - it looks so great with Ada's!)

I also realized last night that I think I have made it to the final stage of grief: Acceptance. It doesn't mean I'm "over it" (because we all know that's impossible!), but I have reached a point where I am at peace. I miss Ada, but thoughts of her don't consume me like they once did. Did having another baby help? Absolutely. It doesn't mean that Eleanor has taken Ada's place - Ada will always be my firstborn - but they say that when you lose a child you lose your future, and Eleanor has given that back to me. I love Ada deeply, but I have learned how to be happy again. I like to think that Ada would have wanted it that way.