This last Monday was the first day of school for students. (It was also the last day of school - we've been out the rest of the week due to TS Fay and her aftermath. But I digress...) I knew it was going to be a little bit hard because we keep the same homeroom from year to year. All of those kids knew that I was pregnant when school got out, and I didn't know what to expect when they came to my class that day.
What I didn't expect, however, was for the drive to school to be hard. I had barely pulled out of our neighborhood when I saw all of these kids waiting for the bus. Now, I don't know where these kids came from because I never once saw them out there last year. But then again, I also didn't normally try to get to school 30 minutes early. Anyway, I saw this really cute little girl waiting for the bus with her mom. She was probably about 7 or 8 and she had long dark hair. She was wearing a dress and was holding her lunchbox - you could just tell she was so excited. This thought had never crossed my mind before, but I suddenly realized that Ada is never going to have a first day of school. I cried, and I called Hunter to cry, and then I was fine by the time I got to school. The whole thing was pretty quick, but that's how it is these days. Something completely unexpected will remind me of yet another memory that I don't get to make with Ada.
When my homeroom kids walked into class, one girl asked if I had found out if the baby was a boy or a girl. I told the whole class the very basics - she died, she was a girl, we named her Ada Elizabeth, and she was born about a month ago. These are 9th graders so they're around 14 or 15 years old. They're old enough to get it, but they're still at that age where they tend to be pretty focused on themselves or their friends. They were so sweet that morning though. I told them that if they wanted to come and talk to me that it was fine and they could ask me questions individually. And somewhere in there, my voice cracked like I was about to start crying. I didn't cry, but I think I was close. They all got very quiet and serious, and I was so mad at myself. I know it's okay to cry, but I really didn't want to do that in front of students! I didn't want them to tell other kids that I was crying in class, and I really didn't want teachers to think that I had lost it in front of students. As far as I know they didn't talk about it much after that, and none of them came to talk to me. Then we missed 4 days of school and they've probably forgotten about it by now!
What I didn't expect, however, was for the drive to school to be hard. I had barely pulled out of our neighborhood when I saw all of these kids waiting for the bus. Now, I don't know where these kids came from because I never once saw them out there last year. But then again, I also didn't normally try to get to school 30 minutes early. Anyway, I saw this really cute little girl waiting for the bus with her mom. She was probably about 7 or 8 and she had long dark hair. She was wearing a dress and was holding her lunchbox - you could just tell she was so excited. This thought had never crossed my mind before, but I suddenly realized that Ada is never going to have a first day of school. I cried, and I called Hunter to cry, and then I was fine by the time I got to school. The whole thing was pretty quick, but that's how it is these days. Something completely unexpected will remind me of yet another memory that I don't get to make with Ada.
When my homeroom kids walked into class, one girl asked if I had found out if the baby was a boy or a girl. I told the whole class the very basics - she died, she was a girl, we named her Ada Elizabeth, and she was born about a month ago. These are 9th graders so they're around 14 or 15 years old. They're old enough to get it, but they're still at that age where they tend to be pretty focused on themselves or their friends. They were so sweet that morning though. I told them that if they wanted to come and talk to me that it was fine and they could ask me questions individually. And somewhere in there, my voice cracked like I was about to start crying. I didn't cry, but I think I was close. They all got very quiet and serious, and I was so mad at myself. I know it's okay to cry, but I really didn't want to do that in front of students! I didn't want them to tell other kids that I was crying in class, and I really didn't want teachers to think that I had lost it in front of students. As far as I know they didn't talk about it much after that, and none of them came to talk to me. Then we missed 4 days of school and they've probably forgotten about it by now!
3 comments:
Beth and Hunter,
I am so sorry about Ada. I know that things may be rough but God is there to lean on, yell at, tell all your thoughts to. It is great that you and Hunter have grown closer. You both are in my thoughts and prayers as you continue the journey of healing.
Dear Beth & Hunter,
Thank you for using this site to share Ada with the rest of us who didn't get a chance to meet her. Your thoughts and prayers are so beautifully written. I think it's wonderful that you are using your experiences to help comfort others. You may never know the many lives you will touch through this site or those you may come to know Jesus because of reading about your relationhip with Him.
I am glad that you are both doing well. You remain in my thoughts and prayers.
Love, Kaycee
I think you did right by telling the kids. And, I'm sure they realize that you would be emotional. It shows how much Ada means to you, and how much your students mean to you that you took the time to explain something that's hard to talk about.
Jess
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