This year for our anniversary (Dec. 28) we have decided to take a week long trip to Costa Rica. This is exciting, right? Well, it definitely is, but it's also bittersweet. Every year Hunter and I take a big trip, but since Ada was due on November 5 we decided to take our trip early. Our trip out west over spring break was supposed to count as our anniversary trip.
When I was in the hospital, we watched a little bit of tv. We don't have cable so I never get to watch all those crazy cable shows, and I flipped through and saw some guy at the market in Santiago, Chile. (I studied abroad there for 4 months in college.) I was very excited, and as we watched the show a thought crossed my mind - maybe we could go to Chile for our anniversary this year since there won't be a baby. And as soon as I thought it, a huge wave of guilt washed over me. How could I even think about traveling while I'm in labor with my stillborn child?! I must be a horrible person! I would have given anything to get her back and I still would with no question - how could I care about a stupid trip?
A few days after I got home from the hospital, I started thinking about the idea of a trip again and I started feeling stabs of guilt again. But then Hunter and I realized that maybe planning a big trip wouldn't be a bad idea because it would give us something to look forward to. Besides, we plan to try again soon and this may end up being the last chance for a big international trip for a while.
Well, it turned out that Chile was out of our budget. I still plan to go back there someday, but I have always wanted to go to Costa Rica and so has Hunter. (I lived there for a year as a baby, but I don't remember a thing so I don't really count that.) So, we bought our plane tickets last weekend! I still sometimes feel a little guilty about it, but I truly do think that this is a good thing for us to do. It's the first thing I've felt excited about in a while.
Oh, and most of you know that Hunter and I normally take turns planning our trips as a surprise for each other and don't reveal the destination until Christmas - I guess that's just out the window this year! Still, this year was my turn to plan, and I am the one planning this trip. Maybe I'll throw a little surprise into the itenerary...
When I was in the hospital, we watched a little bit of tv. We don't have cable so I never get to watch all those crazy cable shows, and I flipped through and saw some guy at the market in Santiago, Chile. (I studied abroad there for 4 months in college.) I was very excited, and as we watched the show a thought crossed my mind - maybe we could go to Chile for our anniversary this year since there won't be a baby. And as soon as I thought it, a huge wave of guilt washed over me. How could I even think about traveling while I'm in labor with my stillborn child?! I must be a horrible person! I would have given anything to get her back and I still would with no question - how could I care about a stupid trip?
A few days after I got home from the hospital, I started thinking about the idea of a trip again and I started feeling stabs of guilt again. But then Hunter and I realized that maybe planning a big trip wouldn't be a bad idea because it would give us something to look forward to. Besides, we plan to try again soon and this may end up being the last chance for a big international trip for a while.
Well, it turned out that Chile was out of our budget. I still plan to go back there someday, but I have always wanted to go to Costa Rica and so has Hunter. (I lived there for a year as a baby, but I don't remember a thing so I don't really count that.) So, we bought our plane tickets last weekend! I still sometimes feel a little guilty about it, but I truly do think that this is a good thing for us to do. It's the first thing I've felt excited about in a while.
Oh, and most of you know that Hunter and I normally take turns planning our trips as a surprise for each other and don't reveal the destination until Christmas - I guess that's just out the window this year! Still, this year was my turn to plan, and I am the one planning this trip. Maybe I'll throw a little surprise into the itenerary...
3 comments:
Guilt is unnecessary. You will not shame Ada's memory by continuing to live. You will honor her by cherishing the life you have.
guilt and shame are normal. we are supposed to feel them. it is there by design. i too would give everything to have her and hold her in this world. but she was called home. you weren't. you are to live an abundent life. you and hunter need to do the things you are meant to do. maybe there is a baby waiting to happen in costa rica. maybe there is a chance to witness. maybe you wont go after all. we wont know 'till then.
ada is the biggest thing in our family right now. i ache for her.i want her. but she is gone. and until you are called home you have to live here and deal with human things. go ahead and feel the guilt. then let it go and do something joyfilled just for her.
tell her about the storm and all the things the kitties are doing,and read her a story. take her with you on your travels. after all she is in the sunrise.
Oh please don't feel guilty for having those thoughts. It was just your heart distracting you from the pain. I hope you have a wonderful time in Costa Rica.
Post a Comment