A little update

All you have to do is look at the time of this post and you can probably figure out why I haven't been posting/commenting much lately. :) Eleanor is doing GREAT - she's gaining weight and is such an easy baby. But of course, she never goes more than a few hours between feedings and sometimes we have these long nights. Right now she's being lulled to sleep in her swing and I just hope it sticks! Anyway, I just wanted to post a quick little hi to say that I'm still around and I do still read all of your blogs, but time is a little short these days!

Tomorrow we have Eleanor's first pediatrician's appointment...I'm excited like it's the first day of school or something. Speaking of school, teachers start back next week. This will be my first year to not go anywhere on the first day of school since I was like...2. Weird.

Eleanor and her cousins

Coming home

Today we brought Eleanor home from the hospital and it was an emotional time for me. During our stay in the hospital we saw several of the same nurses from Ada's delivery. In fact, the same nurse was with me when I delivered Ada and when I delivered Eleanor - that was pretty special. I never saw my favorite nurse from Ada's delivery until today though. (Her name, which I know several of you in our "club" will find interesting, is Holly.) She checked me in when I went in to deliver Ada, and when I first walked into the delivery room and saw the warmer I burst into tears. Holly gave me a big hug, and I have never forgotten about that. It was one of the nicest moments in the hospital. So, this morning I was pleasantly surprised when she walked into my room to bring me towels. We just sort of looked at each other for a minute, and then she said, "I remember you guys." I told her that I remembered her too, and I got a little teary, and she came over and gave me a hug exactly like last time. That was a very special moment for me - and probably for her, too.

I really have been so overwhelmed since labor began on Wednesday morning that I haven't had much time to think about Ada. I mean, of course I thought about her, but there was just SO much going on at the hospital. Today though, I wheeled Eleanor down the hall to get her picture made right before we were ready to leave. I stopped for a minute next to the room where Ada was born, and then next door at the room where Eleanor was born. When I finally got into the wheelchair to leave and they put Eleanor in the car seat on me, it hit me. I was leaving the hospital with a baby in my arms. A live baby. Not a box of ashes. Then later when we pulled up in the driveway and I saw the beautiful balloons that Hunter and a friend had gotten to put on our mailbox, I finally let myself cry. It was such a mixture of emotions - I am SO HAPPY that Eleanor is here! I love her so much! Yet, I miss Ada. She never got to have all this fanfare or a happy ending. I wish I could have them both here.

She's here!!!

Eleanor Elizabeth arrived at 9:30 am on July 22 after a very quick labor. She weighs 7 lb, 3 oz and is 22" long. We are so thankful for our new beautiful girl!

Meeting Eleanor!

Our sweet Eleanor

Mom and baby

Update from the hospital

We got to the hospital at 4:00 yesterday afternoon, and when I got on the monitor we discovered that I was already having pretty regular but very mild contractions. (I didn't even realize I was having them!) I was already 60% effaced and 2 cm dilated. They put the cervadil in around 6:30 pm and the nurse just took it out at 5:00 am this morning. I got a shot to help me sleep, but I only actually slept for maybe 2 hours. I was able to rest all night though.

This morning when the nurse came in to take out the cervadil, my water broke! It may have already broken during the night, but I didn't realize it because there wasn't much (if anything) leaking out. She did an exam and I am now 2-3 cm and 80% effaced. I am also having much more uncomfortable contractions.

I requested to not be in the same room where I delivered Ada, but I am right next door to it. We walked the halls a little last night and it was sad to walk past there, but not too bad. We both agreed that we're glad we did a hospital tour and took all of those classes here during the last couple of months - it's made it so much easier to be here again. The nurse who was there when Ada was born stopped by to say hi. She remembered us, which was really nice. All of the other nurses have been really nice. One of them even asked questions about Ada - she lost a baby too. She said she wasn't nearly as far along as I was, but I know it hurts badly at any point. She told me that if I needed to cry a little bit today that it's okay. She said that she knows everybody expects you to be over something like that after 2 weeks, but of course you're not. Anyway, I just really appreciated her coming to talk to us like that even though it wasn't really one of her duties. I am in good hands here!

Next week

I had a little change in plans due to my doctor's schedule, so I'm now going in to the hospital on Tuesday instead of Monday. I won't go in until the afternoon when they'll start the cervadil, and then the pitocin starts early the next morning. So, Eleanor should be arriving on Wednesday (I hope) or potentially even Thursday. I just wanted to put that up here in case anyone thought I was going in on Monday still.

Happy 1st birthday, Ada!

Dear Ada,

Today is your first birthday. I can't believe that it has been one whole year since you were born. I will never forget that day because it was the day I got to meet you and hold you. I loved touching your tiny little fingers and toes and marveling at how perfect you were.

I have thought about you every single day over the past year. Sometimes I think about you and I am overcome with sadness, but other days I think about you and I smile because I love you so much.

Today your dad and I spent the whole day together to celebrate and remember you. First, we went to the beach at sunrise. We went to the exact same spot where we scattered your ashes last July and we sat there for a long time. Just like last year, we watched the sun rise, the crabs play in the waves, and the birds fly along the water. We talked about you and all of the things that we miss. We talked about bringing your little sister to the beach next year on your birthday. We talked about how much we've changed over the last year.

After a relaxing morning (your dad made pancakes!), we went to lunch at one of our favorite places and went to see the new Harry Potter movie. We enjoyed just spending some time together doing something fun. When we got home, we were so excited about a package that arrived. Your great aunt Shirley sent us a snowglobe that is so beautiful and perfect - it immediately brought tears to my eyes. It says, "We never lose the ones we love... they live on in our hearts." Your name and birthday are engraved on it. You never even got the chance to learn this, but I collect snowglobes. This is definitely the most special one I have ever received.

We spent a while this afternoon looking through your box. We stared at your ultrasound pictures - I especially love the ones of your little hands and feet. We looked at the one picture we have of you wrapped in the blanket from your grandmother and we compared the size of your little hand to the letters on the blanket. You were just so tiny! I love holding your blanket and remembering what it was like to hold you inside of it. I wish I could have held you forever.

Finally, we made strawberry cupcakes for you. (We certainly are enjoying them too!) Your dad really thinks you would have like spiced gumdrops since he does, so I let him put gumdrops on some of them. I think they're kind of gross though, so the rest of the cupcakes have sprinkles. I tried to spell out your name, but as you can see from the picture it didn't work very well.

Ada, you are loved by many - so many people told me that they were thinking of you today. I just wish I could have watched you grow up this past year. You will always be my firstborn, and I love you and miss you so much. Happy 1st birthday, sweet girl.

Gallery update

I had a bunch of different posts with gallery pictures, but I went back and updated the original post so they're all in one place. Click here to see Ada's gallery and all of the places where she has traveled!

The worst day of my life

One year ago today was the worst day of my life. It was a Monday, and by Sunday night I knew something wasn't right. I was beginning to realize that I hadn't felt Ada move in a while - I wasn't sure how long - and I remember crying before going to sleep that night because I was so worried. I was still in denial though. Deep down I knew something was wrong, but I was sure that we were going to find out that there was some explanation and that everything was okay. Hunter normally leaves for work pretty early, but that day he said he would wait until I called the doctor. I called when the doctor's office opened and the nurse told me to try drinking juice, lying on my side, and counting the kicks. I was supposed to do this twice for an hour each time. I remember telling Hunter that he should just go to work and that everything was going to be okay (denial!), but he knew better and said he would just stay home until he was sure. Little did we know that it would be over a week before he went back to work.

I called the nurse back after 2 hours to report no movement and she scheduled my ultrasound. We had to leave right then to get there in time for the appointment. I'll never forget sitting in the waiting room, being called back for the ultrasound, and telling the student that I was worried about a lack of movement. I'll never forget what the student or the ultrasound tech looked like. I'll never forget their faces when they realized something was wrong. I had to ask the ultrasound tech if there was a heartbeat - she wouldn't just say it and I needed to hear it. I'll never forget how I felt the minute I realized this was really happening or the expression on Hunter's face when I looked over at him. I am thankful beyond words that he stayed with me all morning!

We went back to the doctor and all that I really remember was her telling us to come to the hospital the next morning and that we needed to make arrangements with a funeral home. My mom, who was 5 minutes away from going to the airport to visit her mother for a few days, instead put her suitcase in the car and drove to our house. My brother and sister-in-law brought us dinner that night. And Hunter and I cried. And cried.

Today I'm remembering that horrible day, but I'm trying not to dwell on it too much. Instead, we're looking forward to Thursday when we're going to celebrate Ada's life. It's her birthday, after all. I'd much rather celebrate the day that I got to hold my firstborn child than focus on such a horrible day. Yet, I can't help but think about how July 14, 2008 changed my life forever.

Fears

I am being induced in 8 days, and I'm getting more and more terrified with each day. No, I'm not afraid of the pain or the drugs or the pushing or the tearing or those first attempts at breastfeeding or calming a crying baby (although I probably should be!) - I'm afraid that something is going to happen between now and then. I have learned way too much about stillbirth over the past year and heard so many heartbreaking stories. A few stories in particular stand out in my mind and they all have to do with losing the baby at the very last minute. In some ways I am thankful that I am a wiser, more sensitive person than I was a year ago, but sometimes I just wish I could have my innocence back!

So while most women in my shoes would be counting down the days and getting excited, I am counting down the days until I can stop being a nervous wreck. Well, that's probably an exaggeration, but there are several times a day when my mind goes to the "what ifs" and I start to freak out. For the most part I've been very positive during this pregnancy, but all of the doubts and worries are starting to creep in. It doesn't really help that Eleanor is running out of space in there and isn't moving quite as much as she used to. I still feel her move every few hours (and thankfully I JUST felt her as I was writing this so I'm not in one of those "freak out" moods at the moment), but sometimes I wish I could just be permanently hooked up to a fetal monitor so I could have constant reassurance. At this point I've had 12 non-stress tests, so I seriously could give one to myself! Even the nurse at my OB's office agrees with me on that!

Physically I'm feeling pretty good at this point. Sure, I have a little backache, heartburn, and extremely swollen feet/ankles, but I really don't mind. I just wish I could get all of these worries out of my head and enjoy these last days of pregnancy. I am going to miss some of the fun stuff like watching my belly move around on its own!

Some articles

I just wanted to share these links with you...

I got these first ones from Bree. This article was in the Washington Post and it talks about why doctors don't really discuss stillbirth. I didn't even know that stillbirth is 10 times more common than SIDS and there are 2 1/2 times more stillbirths than AIDS deaths in the US each year. Then this is a follow-up column where the writer answered readers' questions.

This was in my paper today. Norris Burkes is a chaplain who writes a weekly column that's in our paper, and today's column was about dealing with a family who just lost their baby shortly after birth. Click here to read it.