Last night Hunter and I talked about how sometimes all of the events from the past couple of months seem so unreal. Sometimes I just feel like it was all a nightmare and I'm going to wake up any minute now and still be pregnant. I remember feeling that way a lot when we first found out that we lost Ada, but I can't believe that I still feel that way now. I just want to go back in time. I know there's probably nothing that I could have done to prevent Ada's death, but I just feel like if I could go back and be extra careful, maybe I could somehow. I wonder if this would have happened if I had spent that week lying in bed, eating nothing but the healthiest food you can imagine, and not using things like bug spray or cleaning products. It's probably silly, I know, but I can't help it.
I've been feeling pretty sad today. Yesterday I watched a movie and there was a scene with a mother, father, and their new baby sleeping in the hospital side by side. The camera zoomed in on the baby and he moved a little. I just found myself wishing that it could have been us and I started to cry. I have nothing profound to say about it; I'm just sad.
I tried to find the song from JCS that this post is named after and have it playing because it seems more or less appropriate. The music player I use didn't have it though, but here's the video from YouTube. I'm not comparing my life to Mary Magdalene's or anything weird like that...I just really like the song and I think the sentiment is similar. You'll want to pause the music player on the right before you play the video.
I've been feeling pretty sad today. Yesterday I watched a movie and there was a scene with a mother, father, and their new baby sleeping in the hospital side by side. The camera zoomed in on the baby and he moved a little. I just found myself wishing that it could have been us and I started to cry. I have nothing profound to say about it; I'm just sad.
I tried to find the song from JCS that this post is named after and have it playing because it seems more or less appropriate. The music player I use didn't have it though, but here's the video from YouTube. I'm not comparing my life to Mary Magdalene's or anything weird like that...I just really like the song and I think the sentiment is similar. You'll want to pause the music player on the right before you play the video.
2 comments:
I know the feeling of the whole nightmare and wanting to wake up. I honestly feel that way. The past two months have been so surreal, and I just want to go back to the way things were before.
The song "Home" by Michael Buble just makes me sob, and I think it's because I want to go home, the home we had before Jenna died, when we thought we were expecting a healthy baby.
Since I lost my baby at the very beginning of the pregnancy, I was convinced it was because I hadn't been off the pill long enough, or drank too much coffee or took hot baths. In some way it made me feel better to think I had something to do with the loss of that baby because I just wanted a way to explain it. Also, I completely identify with your avoiding Target. I was the same way. It was incredibly painful to shop for gifts for friends who were having babies, and I often went to places like Marshall's or Ross just because there was less baby stuff to look at. I wanted to support and rejoice with my friends, but there was a good bit of sorrow that went along with that. I am sorry you have been feeling sad, and I will continue to keep you in my prayers.
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