I thought I should clarify a few things from my last post. Since I didn't write the letter about what to do when someone loses a pregnancy, not everything on that list applies to me. Let me just break it down...
What doesn't apply to me (or what I disagree with):
- I always wanted Ada. This was a planned pregnancy, so even though it mentions feelings of guilt about not being sure about the pregnancy, I never felt anything like that.
- I've mentioned this before, but I don't think it was God's Will. I disagree with the statement that "many terrible things are God's Will." You can read a previous post about that.
- I don't believe that Ada is an angel watching over me. I believe in heaven and I believe in angels, but I don't think that when people die they become angels...I remember reading about where angels come from one time but I can't remember where that is in the Bible. I guess I need to brush up on my angel theology and one of these days I'll look it up. But anyway, I never think of her as my guardian angel or call her my "angel baby"...that term actually makes me cringe every time I hear it.
- I actually really did needed to hear that this wasn't my fault. I went through a really hard phase about a week after Ada was born when I was convinced it was my fault. My mom and Hunter told me repeatedly that it wasn't, and finally after a long and weepy conversation with Hunter I realized that it wasn't. But still, I understand what the person who wrote that was saying...it just doesn't apply to me. And I do get mad at my body sometimes.
The parts that stood out to me:
- The part about moving on...it's been two months and I feel like everybody expects me to have moved on already. If your child died, would you be over it in two months?
- The part about loving your baby no matter how far along you are in your pregnancy
- The part about not changing the subject when I bring up Ada. I hate it that talking about my baby makes others uncomfortable. She was a huge part of my life and I can't pretend that it didn't happen. I've been reading The Prince of Tides and the mother is crazy and makes her kids crazy because she tries to pretend like all of the horrible things that happened to them didn't really happen. That's just not healthy. I need to talk about her.
- The part about "you can always have another one" - I sure hope we have more children, but Ada will always be our first. Hunter and I both are worried about treating our next child differently because of what we've been through. Hopefully we won't (at least not in a bad way), but no matter what we will never forget Ada and we will always love her.
- All of the things that it tells you to do, like say you're sorry or send a note or whatever. I still keep getting emails and cards, and they are all so touching. It really helps to know that others are thinking about us. I usually don't respond because it can be kind of overwhelming for me, but if you have sent a card or email know that Hunter and I both have read them all and that it has really helped us to know that we are not alone. Sometimes now I feel more alone or forgotten than I ever did in the hospital or in the week or two after Ada's delivery. All of the notes - cards, emails, comments, etc. - help me to know that others miss Ada, too.
What doesn't apply to me (or what I disagree with):
- I always wanted Ada. This was a planned pregnancy, so even though it mentions feelings of guilt about not being sure about the pregnancy, I never felt anything like that.
- I've mentioned this before, but I don't think it was God's Will. I disagree with the statement that "many terrible things are God's Will." You can read a previous post about that.
- I don't believe that Ada is an angel watching over me. I believe in heaven and I believe in angels, but I don't think that when people die they become angels...I remember reading about where angels come from one time but I can't remember where that is in the Bible. I guess I need to brush up on my angel theology and one of these days I'll look it up. But anyway, I never think of her as my guardian angel or call her my "angel baby"...that term actually makes me cringe every time I hear it.
- I actually really did needed to hear that this wasn't my fault. I went through a really hard phase about a week after Ada was born when I was convinced it was my fault. My mom and Hunter told me repeatedly that it wasn't, and finally after a long and weepy conversation with Hunter I realized that it wasn't. But still, I understand what the person who wrote that was saying...it just doesn't apply to me. And I do get mad at my body sometimes.
The parts that stood out to me:
- The part about moving on...it's been two months and I feel like everybody expects me to have moved on already. If your child died, would you be over it in two months?
- The part about loving your baby no matter how far along you are in your pregnancy
- The part about not changing the subject when I bring up Ada. I hate it that talking about my baby makes others uncomfortable. She was a huge part of my life and I can't pretend that it didn't happen. I've been reading The Prince of Tides and the mother is crazy and makes her kids crazy because she tries to pretend like all of the horrible things that happened to them didn't really happen. That's just not healthy. I need to talk about her.
- The part about "you can always have another one" - I sure hope we have more children, but Ada will always be our first. Hunter and I both are worried about treating our next child differently because of what we've been through. Hopefully we won't (at least not in a bad way), but no matter what we will never forget Ada and we will always love her.
- All of the things that it tells you to do, like say you're sorry or send a note or whatever. I still keep getting emails and cards, and they are all so touching. It really helps to know that others are thinking about us. I usually don't respond because it can be kind of overwhelming for me, but if you have sent a card or email know that Hunter and I both have read them all and that it has really helped us to know that we are not alone. Sometimes now I feel more alone or forgotten than I ever did in the hospital or in the week or two after Ada's delivery. All of the notes - cards, emails, comments, etc. - help me to know that others miss Ada, too.
1 comment:
Hey Beth-
I just wanted you to know that I still read this and I'm glad you can write it. It always makes me cry, but I want you to know I remember and love Ada too.
Pam
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