So far, I haven't really felt anger. But lately - I mean, today - I am extremely irritable.
I am angry because I really thought I was pregnant again but now I'm pretty sure I'm not. I even stupidly took a pregnancy test yesterday even though I knew it was probably too early and of course, it was negative.
I am angry because I saw a picture today of a friend who is very pregnant and due around the same time as I was. That should be ME. I have nothing against her, but it should be me, too.
I am angry because all I have to look at is my one picture of Ada. ONE picture. That's all I get. I stared at her picture for a long time today and cried and cried for like an hour. I even got her blanket back out of her box so that I could hold it close. I can't even describe how much I wish she were wrapped up inside of it.
I am angry because I will never get to hold Ada again. Okay, maybe I will in heaven (I don't pretend to know how that works though), but that's not much comfort at the moment.
I am angry because I lost my only daughter. What if I never have another girl?
I am angry because I feel guilty about that last statement. I know I would love a boy as much as a girl and I would be thrilled just to have a healthy baby, but I can't help it. I was so excited to be having a girl!
I am angry because I am tired of hearing everybody who lost their babies describe them as "angels." I'm sorry, but your baby is not an angel. We do not become angels when we die. Angels are spiritual beings that God created separate from man. (This site has some good explanations.) Didn't anybody pay attention in Sunday school? People just tell themselves whatever they want to make themselves feel better.
I am angry because I have lost my passion for teaching. I hope it comes back.
I am angry because this week I am teaching about the Day of the Dead, one of favorite topics to teach about, and this year I'm afraid I'm going to cry in front of my students when I tell them how it's a happy holiday in Mexico to remember loved ones who have passed on. Why don't we have a day like that every year where we all stop everything and remember?
I am angry because I feel like I have nothing left to give anyone. I rarely call or email friends anymore because it's too much effort. I'm just not proud of who I am right now.
I am angry because people who love me ask me how I am doing and I don't even know how to respond.
I am angry because I look at this wonderful picture taken of Hunter and I this summer and I see how happy we were. I am angry because I know that I will never, ever feel that way again. I might be happy again, yes, but I will never have my innocence back and I will never get over the loss of my firstborn.
I am angry because I really thought I was pregnant again but now I'm pretty sure I'm not. I even stupidly took a pregnancy test yesterday even though I knew it was probably too early and of course, it was negative.
I am angry because I saw a picture today of a friend who is very pregnant and due around the same time as I was. That should be ME. I have nothing against her, but it should be me, too.
I am angry because all I have to look at is my one picture of Ada. ONE picture. That's all I get. I stared at her picture for a long time today and cried and cried for like an hour. I even got her blanket back out of her box so that I could hold it close. I can't even describe how much I wish she were wrapped up inside of it.
I am angry because I will never get to hold Ada again. Okay, maybe I will in heaven (I don't pretend to know how that works though), but that's not much comfort at the moment.
I am angry because I lost my only daughter. What if I never have another girl?
I am angry because I feel guilty about that last statement. I know I would love a boy as much as a girl and I would be thrilled just to have a healthy baby, but I can't help it. I was so excited to be having a girl!
I am angry because I am tired of hearing everybody who lost their babies describe them as "angels." I'm sorry, but your baby is not an angel. We do not become angels when we die. Angels are spiritual beings that God created separate from man. (This site has some good explanations.) Didn't anybody pay attention in Sunday school? People just tell themselves whatever they want to make themselves feel better.
I am angry because I have lost my passion for teaching. I hope it comes back.
I am angry because this week I am teaching about the Day of the Dead, one of favorite topics to teach about, and this year I'm afraid I'm going to cry in front of my students when I tell them how it's a happy holiday in Mexico to remember loved ones who have passed on. Why don't we have a day like that every year where we all stop everything and remember?
I am angry because I feel like I have nothing left to give anyone. I rarely call or email friends anymore because it's too much effort. I'm just not proud of who I am right now.
I am angry because people who love me ask me how I am doing and I don't even know how to respond.
I am angry because I look at this wonderful picture taken of Hunter and I this summer and I see how happy we were. I am angry because I know that I will never, ever feel that way again. I might be happy again, yes, but I will never have my innocence back and I will never get over the loss of my firstborn.
So, yay for me because apparently I'm on to the next stage of grief. Or maybe it's just PMS...and that possibility makes me angry.
8 comments:
You don't know me.... I am shelley Talbott's friend. But I am angry sometimes over the death of my son Gabriel but I am sad first. The whole process of grief doesn't start w/ 1, 2, 3, I still have his room . I can't pack it up.
I know the anger, and I'm still feeling it. I don't know if I will ever get past the anger.
Looks like you and I are on the same way length today. AF is in town for me, but I know that is not the reason for all of my attitude. You're right about the calling our babies "angels" thing, but I more use it as a term of endearment. Scream and cry is what I say...To heck with anyone who would judge you.
I completely agree with you that babies are not angels. That is Biblical through and through. No one becomes an angel when they die. I know grief is so tough. I lost a baby at 39 weeks to stillbirth. That was 10 years ago. I really like your blog because it's so honest and truthful. Take care.
I'm sorry you are so angry...because I am feeling that also and I know it sucks. I do not think of Gregory as an angel and I'm with you on this along with other points. I hope AF is not on her way and can only imagine that pain that will be added to this anger. Hugs.
Wow, Beth, I could have written your post. Thanks for being so honest - it makes me feel less alone to see my feelings in print and shared by someone else (even though I wish I never had to "know" you, if you know what I mean).
I had an extremely rough night last night, so bad that I am taking the day off of work today. And my period started too, while I also found out two other people are pregnant (but they are also stillborn-mamas, so the envy is mixed in with joy and hope).
I agree with the angel comments too (and it was the one part of your post that made me giggle a bit), but you're right - people just say or do whatever it takes to make them feel better, and that's pretty natural.
Hang in there.
I am so sorry for the loss of your daugther Ada. I know how important it is to have people acknowledge that she is your daughter and her life, although short, isn't something that you just get over. I hope that somehow you can find peace. I too lost my firstborn, she was born stillborn at 32 weeks. I knew it might happen but knowing didn't change the fact that it left a hole in my heart that will never go away.
I only think of Avery as an angel in the sense that she is perfect, innocent and sinless. I do not believe that she is an "angel" in the true sense of the word. I am sure most people that call their sweet babies "angels" only do so as a way of coping and do not believe them to be angels in the biblical sense.
Everyone grieves differently and even though I have been there I have no idea what you are feeling right now. I just hope that someday you will find comfort and will be able to think of Ada and smile, because she may not be here now but you will always be her mother.
I know the anger you are feeling! It comes and goes for me and is for different reasons every time it seems.
I agree what you said about angels. When I call Cameron my little angel, I don't literally mean I believe he's floating around with a halo, a glowing light and wings. I use it in the same way as when I call Aiden my angel, ya know?
Not that I hold anything against anyone for calling their babies angels, and truly believing it.
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