I got a gift card to Barnes & Noble for my birthday, and what did I spend it on? I really wanted a book about grief. I was looking through the shelf and I went through quite a few books written on the topic. There were several about losing a parent, some good ones on the stages of grief that I considered, and then I saw it. The title is The Worst Loss. As soon as I saw that, I knew it had to be about losing a child, and sure enough the subtitle is How Families Heal from the Death of a Child. (Here's the link on Amazon if you're interested.)
So far I've only read a few of the chapters, but it seems really good. There's one chapter specifically on stillbirth and infant death. The author says that losing a stillborn child can be as bad as losing your teenage or adult child, but I disagree. I mean, what I went through is horrible, but I don't have an attachment that has been developing over years and years. I think the author's point, though, is that losing your child at any stage is tough. She talks about how mourning the death of a child is like no other loss. It takes far longer to "get over" than any other death. I mean, you don't ever get over it, but you do move on. It just takes longer than people expect.
There's one issue that the book addresses that worries me - they call it the "Replacement Child Phonomenon." Here's an excerpt:
A child born after a baby who died is potentially at psychological risk. If she comes into the world too soon after the child who died, when her parents have not adequately mourned the child who died, she may carry the complex burden of being a replacement child.
The replacement child phenomenon occurs when parents cannot deal with their gief over the baby who died. Mourning is such painful work that the temptation to sidestep it is great. Rather than face the painful emptiness, parents may simply attempt to fill it. Irving Leon, a psychiatrist in Birmingham, Michigan, writes perceptively about what may happen:
[excerpt in the book] The attachment to the deceased child is not relinquished, but transferred onto the replacement child, who may then become the focus of anxiety (should the loss be repeated), devotion (in part from the original attachment) and hate (over not actually being that lost child). Even when parents do not purposefully regard or plan another child as a replacement for the loss, it has been found that the process of forming a new attachment may impede the mourning process, making pregnancy itself a barrier to resolving grief...While actively seeking to become quickly pregnant after perinatal death may indicate a refusal to mourn that loss, the act of becoming pregnant or forming a new attachment may in itself inhibit mourning. [end excerpt]
When parents make their new baby a replacement for the one who died, they saddle her with an assignment no adult could master: to make up to the parents for the loss of a brother or sister she never knew. The child seems to absorb the assignment as she grows up and, with it, a conviction that she will never be seen wholly as herself or valued for who she is.
Whoa. We're trying again, but I don't think we're trying to replace Ada! I really do think I have mourned her - I haven't held back my feelings at all. I certainly don't want to hurt any future children though, or not mourn Ada fully. This scares me. I don't want to replace Ada at all - I just want to start a family! At least reading this makes me want to slow down a little bit about getting pregnant again. I'm not upset that it didn't happen last month. We'll keep trying, but if it takes a few more months I am okay with that. As Shelley has reminded me, God's timing is perfect.
So far I've only read a few of the chapters, but it seems really good. There's one chapter specifically on stillbirth and infant death. The author says that losing a stillborn child can be as bad as losing your teenage or adult child, but I disagree. I mean, what I went through is horrible, but I don't have an attachment that has been developing over years and years. I think the author's point, though, is that losing your child at any stage is tough. She talks about how mourning the death of a child is like no other loss. It takes far longer to "get over" than any other death. I mean, you don't ever get over it, but you do move on. It just takes longer than people expect.
There's one issue that the book addresses that worries me - they call it the "Replacement Child Phonomenon." Here's an excerpt:
A child born after a baby who died is potentially at psychological risk. If she comes into the world too soon after the child who died, when her parents have not adequately mourned the child who died, she may carry the complex burden of being a replacement child.
The replacement child phenomenon occurs when parents cannot deal with their gief over the baby who died. Mourning is such painful work that the temptation to sidestep it is great. Rather than face the painful emptiness, parents may simply attempt to fill it. Irving Leon, a psychiatrist in Birmingham, Michigan, writes perceptively about what may happen:
[excerpt in the book] The attachment to the deceased child is not relinquished, but transferred onto the replacement child, who may then become the focus of anxiety (should the loss be repeated), devotion (in part from the original attachment) and hate (over not actually being that lost child). Even when parents do not purposefully regard or plan another child as a replacement for the loss, it has been found that the process of forming a new attachment may impede the mourning process, making pregnancy itself a barrier to resolving grief...While actively seeking to become quickly pregnant after perinatal death may indicate a refusal to mourn that loss, the act of becoming pregnant or forming a new attachment may in itself inhibit mourning. [end excerpt]
When parents make their new baby a replacement for the one who died, they saddle her with an assignment no adult could master: to make up to the parents for the loss of a brother or sister she never knew. The child seems to absorb the assignment as she grows up and, with it, a conviction that she will never be seen wholly as herself or valued for who she is.
Whoa. We're trying again, but I don't think we're trying to replace Ada! I really do think I have mourned her - I haven't held back my feelings at all. I certainly don't want to hurt any future children though, or not mourn Ada fully. This scares me. I don't want to replace Ada at all - I just want to start a family! At least reading this makes me want to slow down a little bit about getting pregnant again. I'm not upset that it didn't happen last month. We'll keep trying, but if it takes a few more months I am okay with that. As Shelley has reminded me, God's timing is perfect.
2 comments:
You know you could never replace Ada.
While I do respect their view, I still have to remember they are psychologists. They are taught to think that way. They are writing what they have read in books. While it may be true sometimes, I don't think it's the case for the most part.
We know ourselves better than anyone else - better than any doctor ever could!
Being scared is completely normal! You know when you're ready! You know you've mourned Ada - and you'll continue to mourn her...just in a different way as time goes on.
Wow. That is a little scary, but I would try not to dwell on it too much. I know I am mourning Gregory and you are mourning Ada's loss. I want to get pregnant as soon as possible. I don't want to replace Gregory...I want to lessen the painful amount of time I am childless. I'm glad you are feeling better about taking time, but I also know that you will not hurt your next child. That will be a lucky child.
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