I just got Empty Cradle, Broken Heart by Deborah L. Davis from the library and I wish I had read this book a couple of months ago. It is wonderful and I highly recommend it for those of you who have lost your babies. I wish that everybody who knows me would read this book. Since I realize that's unreasonable to ask, here are a few excerpts for my friends and family who care enough to read this blog:
Unfortunately, many friends and relatives do not recognize the depth of your loss. It is difficult for them to imagine your grief over a baby you never saw or perhaps held only briefly. Even if your baby died later on in infancy, you may feel as though you are expected to grieve minimally and be "back to normal" after the first few weeks or months have passed. Add to this the fact that death is an uncomfortable topic to discuss, and you may begin to feel isolated, unwelcome to talk and share your feelings. Because your grief is ignored or considered unnatural, you may wonder if your baby and the events surrounding his or her life and death are insignificant. Moreover, friends and relatives may have never seen the baby, so you have even fewer memories to share with others. These feelings of isolation, being the only one who knew the baby or the only one who cares, can make grieving very painful. p. 6
Memories are important for the bereaved. Dwelling on memories is a way to experience a more gradual goodbye. Unfortunately, when your baby dies before or shortly after birth, you have only a few memories and it is unclear how this baby fit into your life. Your baby is gone, and you have little tangible evidence that he or she really existed. p. 6
While the death of a parent or friend represents a loss of your past, when your baby dies you lose a part of your future. You grieve not only for your baby, but for your parenthood. p. 5
Although many people expect grieving parents to recover and "get back to normal" within a few weeks or months, grief appears to be an open-ended process of recovery with no tangible ending. Parents gradually regain steady functioning, but many report that "back to normal" can take several years. Some parents feel that "back to normal" is an unrealistic goal, that this experience has changed them forever. p. 10
Resolution takes time. Of the mothers [interviewed] in this book, most needed more than four years to feel resolved. Some mothers needed less time, some mothers needed more. Some mothers still do not consider themselves resolved. p. 19
My reaction: Four years??? Really? Please tell me I'm not going to feel like this for four years.
After the first weeks or months following your baby's death, you may feel isolated from friends and family. You may notice that the initial rush of support from others subside. People seem to expect you to be back to normal... Ironically, as the first few months pass, your numbness wears off and you really start grappling with difficult feelings, such as anger and despair. Many mothers report that the third or fourth month is the most difficult, and yet people aren't as supportive when they need it most. You may feel that you are grieving alone, that on one else misses your baby the way you do, that no one cares but you. p. 41
I agree, the third month was the most difficult. Practically half of my posts on this blog were during the third month. (I'm now in the 4th month, if you were wondering.)
I need to preface this next quote by saying that I have not for one minute felt suicidal, but reading this made me cry because I can understand where this mother's coming from: I knew exactly where the gun was and I was wondering how I could do it... Then I would think, "No, I can't do that. I would really hurt a lot of people." And then I'd think, "No, I wouldn't, they would just go on with their lives just like they did after Jessica died." p. 43
I just read back over all of the quotes I posted, and after reading them you're probably feeling sad and maybe sorry for me or concerned about me. Reading this book doesn't make me feel down though - it just makes me feel like, "Wow, I'm not the only one who has gone through this before. My feelings are normal." In fact, it makes me feel better. I realize that it might take a while, but I will come through this. I've been feeling more positive lately, but as this book reminds me, grief is not linear and it comes and goes for a long time. Just don't think I'm crazy for thinking about Ada every hour of every day. I'm a mother and that's what I'm supposed to do.
Unfortunately, many friends and relatives do not recognize the depth of your loss. It is difficult for them to imagine your grief over a baby you never saw or perhaps held only briefly. Even if your baby died later on in infancy, you may feel as though you are expected to grieve minimally and be "back to normal" after the first few weeks or months have passed. Add to this the fact that death is an uncomfortable topic to discuss, and you may begin to feel isolated, unwelcome to talk and share your feelings. Because your grief is ignored or considered unnatural, you may wonder if your baby and the events surrounding his or her life and death are insignificant. Moreover, friends and relatives may have never seen the baby, so you have even fewer memories to share with others. These feelings of isolation, being the only one who knew the baby or the only one who cares, can make grieving very painful. p. 6
Memories are important for the bereaved. Dwelling on memories is a way to experience a more gradual goodbye. Unfortunately, when your baby dies before or shortly after birth, you have only a few memories and it is unclear how this baby fit into your life. Your baby is gone, and you have little tangible evidence that he or she really existed. p. 6
While the death of a parent or friend represents a loss of your past, when your baby dies you lose a part of your future. You grieve not only for your baby, but for your parenthood. p. 5
Although many people expect grieving parents to recover and "get back to normal" within a few weeks or months, grief appears to be an open-ended process of recovery with no tangible ending. Parents gradually regain steady functioning, but many report that "back to normal" can take several years. Some parents feel that "back to normal" is an unrealistic goal, that this experience has changed them forever. p. 10
Resolution takes time. Of the mothers [interviewed] in this book, most needed more than four years to feel resolved. Some mothers needed less time, some mothers needed more. Some mothers still do not consider themselves resolved. p. 19
My reaction: Four years??? Really? Please tell me I'm not going to feel like this for four years.
After the first weeks or months following your baby's death, you may feel isolated from friends and family. You may notice that the initial rush of support from others subside. People seem to expect you to be back to normal... Ironically, as the first few months pass, your numbness wears off and you really start grappling with difficult feelings, such as anger and despair. Many mothers report that the third or fourth month is the most difficult, and yet people aren't as supportive when they need it most. You may feel that you are grieving alone, that on one else misses your baby the way you do, that no one cares but you. p. 41
I agree, the third month was the most difficult. Practically half of my posts on this blog were during the third month. (I'm now in the 4th month, if you were wondering.)
I need to preface this next quote by saying that I have not for one minute felt suicidal, but reading this made me cry because I can understand where this mother's coming from: I knew exactly where the gun was and I was wondering how I could do it... Then I would think, "No, I can't do that. I would really hurt a lot of people." And then I'd think, "No, I wouldn't, they would just go on with their lives just like they did after Jessica died." p. 43
I just read back over all of the quotes I posted, and after reading them you're probably feeling sad and maybe sorry for me or concerned about me. Reading this book doesn't make me feel down though - it just makes me feel like, "Wow, I'm not the only one who has gone through this before. My feelings are normal." In fact, it makes me feel better. I realize that it might take a while, but I will come through this. I've been feeling more positive lately, but as this book reminds me, grief is not linear and it comes and goes for a long time. Just don't think I'm crazy for thinking about Ada every hour of every day. I'm a mother and that's what I'm supposed to do.
4 comments:
I'm a friend of Shelley's and have been reading your blog. I too have cried for you and appreciate your willingness to be so open with your thoughts and feelings. Your talking about the non-linear nature of grief reminds me of the useful mediation technique of a labyrinth. For me, the way the path of the labyrinth curves around towards the center, but then are goes back out the edges as you move toward the middle (your goal or event) seems to fit with what you are talking about. Then, even once you reach your "goal or event" you have to travel back out of the labyrinth following a simliar "up and down" path. It's a good reminder for me that when I'm struggling with something and I think I'm making progress only to find set-backs in the road, to keep going and the path will eventually lead me out.
I, too, really found this book helpful. It is such an easy read, and makes so much sense. I still re-read it when I need to.
And I definitely think about my daughter all the time as well, 5 months out today from the day she died (and I don't see that changing any time soon). If mothers who have living children can't stop thinking or talking about them, why do they think it is any different when we want to do the same?
Beth, I have a little brother in heaven. I guess he is not so little now since he is two years younger than me. I never knew Christopher besides looking into see him through the glass windows since he was in the NICU all of his life before the Father took him home. Anyways, that is not the point, my mom still cries about Christopher when she talks about him. This is 26 years later. He has always been a part of our family even though my brothers never knew him. So, it is ok. We don't talk about him often but he will always be a part, just like your sweet Ada. Your future children will want to know about their bigger sister and it is a sweet and special thing! I am so proud of you!
I need to get that book. I think it would help me, too. We are two and half months into our loss, and it's starting to hurt badly again, although the pain has never really gone away.
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