I always knew that denial is one of the early stages of grief. About a week after Ada died, I thought that I had not gone through that stage, but my mom pointed out that I was in it when we first went to get the ultrasound. I had not felt Ada move in a while, but I was sure that there was some explanation besides the obvious. When Hunter and I went for the ultrasound at 11:30 that morning, I suggested that he take his car too so he could go on to work since it was close by. Fortunately for me, he had already come to terms with reality. When the technician first told me the horrible news, I turned to him in shock but I realized that he already knew.
So until last night, I thought that was my denial stage - I thought it lasted less than 24 hours. I was reading about grief last night though, and I came across this quote: "Denial usually involves either the facts of the loss, the significance of the loss to the survivor, or the irreversibility of the loss." When we first lost Ada, I was devastated. I never, never had been that low or anywhere close. Even so, I remember reading another lady's blog who had lost her baby about 6 months earlier. I couldn't believe that she was still keeping a blog after 6 months and that she had over 100 posts. I thought that was unhealthy. I thought that I would be moved on in 6 months. I knew I would still miss Ada, of course, but I didn't think I would still dwell on it so much. Now, I do believe that I will be in much less pain - I already am - but I realize now that this is a loss that never goes away. I was in denial about how much this loss would affect me. Now I also realize that it took a while for reality to sink in that Ada was gone. When I picked up her ashes from the funeral home I cried and cried because I knew that meant I would never hold her again. All I kept thinking to myself was that I would never hold her or see her again. I think that was my way of coming to terms with the reality of my loss.
I know this post is kind of random since all of this happened a while ago, but it's interesting now to look backwards and see what stages I have gone though.
So until last night, I thought that was my denial stage - I thought it lasted less than 24 hours. I was reading about grief last night though, and I came across this quote: "Denial usually involves either the facts of the loss, the significance of the loss to the survivor, or the irreversibility of the loss." When we first lost Ada, I was devastated. I never, never had been that low or anywhere close. Even so, I remember reading another lady's blog who had lost her baby about 6 months earlier. I couldn't believe that she was still keeping a blog after 6 months and that she had over 100 posts. I thought that was unhealthy. I thought that I would be moved on in 6 months. I knew I would still miss Ada, of course, but I didn't think I would still dwell on it so much. Now, I do believe that I will be in much less pain - I already am - but I realize now that this is a loss that never goes away. I was in denial about how much this loss would affect me. Now I also realize that it took a while for reality to sink in that Ada was gone. When I picked up her ashes from the funeral home I cried and cried because I knew that meant I would never hold her again. All I kept thinking to myself was that I would never hold her or see her again. I think that was my way of coming to terms with the reality of my loss.
I know this post is kind of random since all of this happened a while ago, but it's interesting now to look backwards and see what stages I have gone though.
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