I debated on whether or not I should write this post because I know that my friend reads this blog pretty regularly and I don't want to upset her in any way. But Emily, I think we've talked enough that you understand where I'm coming from...
My friend Emily had her baby today. Her husband called me soon afterwards to say that the baby had arrived and that everything went well. The baby's name is Brian Alexander and he was pretty big at 8 lb, 3.5 oz. Soon before we hung up, I heard Brian crying in the background in that cute loud squawking way that newborns cry.
That was really hard for me. I could imagine Emily holding her new baby just like I held Ada. I can picture the hospital and all of the little details of the hospital room. The only difference? Her baby is crying. Her baby is not lying there still, with no breath. Her baby is more than 4 times the size that Ada was. Ada was due two weeks from tomorrow, but I won't get to hear her cry. I will never hear her cry. Right now we should be getting all of the final preparations ready, but there's nothing to do but cry myself.
I thought I might go visit Emily in the hospital, but I'm not sure if I can handle that. Fortunately she's in a different hospital, but I still think it might bring back too many memories for me. I've held new babies since I lost Ada and they made me feel joy rather than pain, but I think this might be different because Emily and I found out we were pregnant within about 4 days of each other. I'm worried that whenever I see Brian I'm going to think about how big Ada should be. Then again, seeing Emily get bigger and bigger never really bothered me, so why should this? I'm sure that when I see Brian's cute little face and fingers and toes I will smile and enjoy holding a precious new baby boy. I am so glad he arrived safely! I will never take that for granted like I used to.
On another note, we are providing the flowers at church this Sunday in Ada's memory. The church secretary called and asked me what to write. I said to write that the flowers are in memory of Ada Elizabeth and that her due date was November 5, 2008. The secretary got really quiet after I said that. I cried a little when I hung up the phone, but I am looking forward to seeing Ada's name in the bulletin this Sunday. I also kind of hope it will be a reminder to the people in our church that we have not forgotten about her and that we're not "over it." Nobody ever mentions her anymore.
My friend Emily had her baby today. Her husband called me soon afterwards to say that the baby had arrived and that everything went well. The baby's name is Brian Alexander and he was pretty big at 8 lb, 3.5 oz. Soon before we hung up, I heard Brian crying in the background in that cute loud squawking way that newborns cry.
That was really hard for me. I could imagine Emily holding her new baby just like I held Ada. I can picture the hospital and all of the little details of the hospital room. The only difference? Her baby is crying. Her baby is not lying there still, with no breath. Her baby is more than 4 times the size that Ada was. Ada was due two weeks from tomorrow, but I won't get to hear her cry. I will never hear her cry. Right now we should be getting all of the final preparations ready, but there's nothing to do but cry myself.
I thought I might go visit Emily in the hospital, but I'm not sure if I can handle that. Fortunately she's in a different hospital, but I still think it might bring back too many memories for me. I've held new babies since I lost Ada and they made me feel joy rather than pain, but I think this might be different because Emily and I found out we were pregnant within about 4 days of each other. I'm worried that whenever I see Brian I'm going to think about how big Ada should be. Then again, seeing Emily get bigger and bigger never really bothered me, so why should this? I'm sure that when I see Brian's cute little face and fingers and toes I will smile and enjoy holding a precious new baby boy. I am so glad he arrived safely! I will never take that for granted like I used to.
On another note, we are providing the flowers at church this Sunday in Ada's memory. The church secretary called and asked me what to write. I said to write that the flowers are in memory of Ada Elizabeth and that her due date was November 5, 2008. The secretary got really quiet after I said that. I cried a little when I hung up the phone, but I am looking forward to seeing Ada's name in the bulletin this Sunday. I also kind of hope it will be a reminder to the people in our church that we have not forgotten about her and that we're not "over it." Nobody ever mentions her anymore.
5 comments:
That must have been hard. I remember hearing other babies making their first cries in the hospital rooms next to me...while my baby was silent. The nurses wondered why I was in such a rush to leave the hospital! I know that in my next pregnancy I will not breathe any kind of sigh of relief until I hear the delivery room cry of my own baby. I know your friend Emily will understand how painful this is for you. I don't think I'd be able to make it to the hospital, but you are such a good friend to her and you will love her little Brian as well, no matter when you first hold him. It doesn't take away the fact that he will always be a reminder of what life should have been like with Ada. Hugs.
I can completely understand why this was hard for you, and I am sure your friend will too. One of my close friends gave birth to her daughter not long after we found out Georgia was so sick. I have been a big part of little Karli's life and I think it has been almost therapeutic for me. Maybe you will find the same with little Brian. God bless you sweetie!
A friend of the family had her baby today, too. I just don't think I can go to see him. I'm just not ready for it. Big hugs to you.
You are a very strong woman~I mean you went to the baby showers, which I'm nowhere ready to do. Try to protect yourself on this one though. I'm sure Emily will understand. Maybe once the baby is home for a few weeks, or even if you can just get past your due date. But again do what you think is best for you. ((hugs)) to you lovey.
Your last sentence broke my heart. It is so sad when people stop mentioning our daughters.
I can also understand how tough it is to have a friend with nearly the same due date. When my friend delivered her boy, I did go see them 3 weeks later. It was much easier than I thought, because it was so obvious that this little boy was not my daughter (he didn't remind me of her in any way), so I was sad, but not as sad and envious as I thought I'd be. Does that make sense? But I'm impressed you have been able to see your friend throughout her pregnancy - that was too much for me, I cried just imagining it. (No offense to Emily if you're reading! I also am thankful and happy you had a healthy child)
Malou's Mama
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