I have been seeing a Christian counselor for the last couple of weeks. I have never been to a counselor before, but I thought it would probably be a good idea to talk through my grief. Last week was pretty much a get to know you session, but yesterday I went again and it was helpful. There are several points that came up, and I mainly want to write them down so I don't forget.
In my mind, Ada is perfect. She never did anything wrong and I can't imagine her ever doing anything wrong. I'm afraid I will compare my future children to her. Well, the counselor basically said, "So what?" So what if when my child acts up I think, "I bet Ada wouldn't do that"? As human beings we make comparisons all the time. He asked me if I had ever dated anybody before Hunter, which I did, and asked if I ever had a fleeting thought that I wish Hunter would be better at doing (fill in the blank) like "Fred" was. Well sure, I wish Hunter gave more compliments like one or two guys I dated. Then the counselor pointed out, this doesn't mean that I wish I was married to "Fred" (no!), and it doesn't make me a bad wife. In the same way, I will not be a bad mother to a future child if I have thoughts about Ada. It will not impact my ability to love and cherish that child for who s/he is.
Another point that the counselor brought up is how I'm handling grief. He has observed that I'm a logical person and I think things through. He said he's sure that I know that there are 5 stages of grief, and that I'm subconsciously checking off each stage as I go through it. I laughed, because there's no "subconcious" about it - I'm very aware of each stage as I go through it. He reminded me that grief is something that we walk through and that we have no control over. It's not something we run though. It's kind of like what I mentioned in a recent post, how when we first lost Ada I thought surely I would be through the grief process and be on with my life in 6 months. I wanted to set some sort of arbitrary time limit for myself. That's not how it works though; we don't run through grief, we walk through it.
God has been very absent to me. I know abstractly that God cares about me, loves me, and even is sad for me that we lost Ada. Last night the counselor and I talked for a while about the story of Lazarus and how Jesus' first reaction when he heard Lazarus had died was to weep. For some reason, this story was exactly what I need to hear. I grew up in church so of course I know the story well, but I had not thought about it since we lost Ada. Martha's sentiments are pretty much mine exactly. I feel like if God had been present, Ada would not have died; therefore, God must have been absent. How does Jesus respond to Martha's accusations? He weeps. He doesn't explain himself to her, but he weeps for her and with her. The most touching thing that anybody has done for me since Ada died is to cry for me. I have a number of friends and family members who have told me they've cried for Ada and for me, and that's all I need to hear. I know everybody worries about what to say to me, but crying is enough because it shows you care. Anyway, last night I got this very concrete image of Jesus crying for Ada, and that was what I needed. Someday I hope to understand it all better too, but all I really need to know right now is that God cares.
In my mind, Ada is perfect. She never did anything wrong and I can't imagine her ever doing anything wrong. I'm afraid I will compare my future children to her. Well, the counselor basically said, "So what?" So what if when my child acts up I think, "I bet Ada wouldn't do that"? As human beings we make comparisons all the time. He asked me if I had ever dated anybody before Hunter, which I did, and asked if I ever had a fleeting thought that I wish Hunter would be better at doing (fill in the blank) like "Fred" was. Well sure, I wish Hunter gave more compliments like one or two guys I dated. Then the counselor pointed out, this doesn't mean that I wish I was married to "Fred" (no!), and it doesn't make me a bad wife. In the same way, I will not be a bad mother to a future child if I have thoughts about Ada. It will not impact my ability to love and cherish that child for who s/he is.
Another point that the counselor brought up is how I'm handling grief. He has observed that I'm a logical person and I think things through. He said he's sure that I know that there are 5 stages of grief, and that I'm subconsciously checking off each stage as I go through it. I laughed, because there's no "subconcious" about it - I'm very aware of each stage as I go through it. He reminded me that grief is something that we walk through and that we have no control over. It's not something we run though. It's kind of like what I mentioned in a recent post, how when we first lost Ada I thought surely I would be through the grief process and be on with my life in 6 months. I wanted to set some sort of arbitrary time limit for myself. That's not how it works though; we don't run through grief, we walk through it.
God has been very absent to me. I know abstractly that God cares about me, loves me, and even is sad for me that we lost Ada. Last night the counselor and I talked for a while about the story of Lazarus and how Jesus' first reaction when he heard Lazarus had died was to weep. For some reason, this story was exactly what I need to hear. I grew up in church so of course I know the story well, but I had not thought about it since we lost Ada. Martha's sentiments are pretty much mine exactly. I feel like if God had been present, Ada would not have died; therefore, God must have been absent. How does Jesus respond to Martha's accusations? He weeps. He doesn't explain himself to her, but he weeps for her and with her. The most touching thing that anybody has done for me since Ada died is to cry for me. I have a number of friends and family members who have told me they've cried for Ada and for me, and that's all I need to hear. I know everybody worries about what to say to me, but crying is enough because it shows you care. Anyway, last night I got this very concrete image of Jesus crying for Ada, and that was what I needed. Someday I hope to understand it all better too, but all I really need to know right now is that God cares.
1 comment:
I'm so glad you are feeling good about these meetings. I also KNOW that God is around here somewhere but FEEL that he is absent. I'm glad you found comfort in the image of Jesus crying for Ada. And I understand how much it means when other people cry for our babies. It legitimizes the fact that they were here and were our children.
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