The other day I completed a survey for somebody's doctoral research on the emotional effects of stillbirth. One of the questions that it asked was whether or not I feel alone even when I'm surrounded by friends. My answer was that yes, I do sometimes. I find that the more everybody around me knows about Ada, however, the less I feel that way. That's why I want everybody to know. That's part of the reason why I write this blog.
It happened to me again last night. I was at a meeting at church with some other adults, most of whom don't know about what happened. About a month ago one of them asked me if I have any kids, and I said no - I just didn't know what else to say. Anyway, last night one of the members wasn't there because she is pregnant and due in just a few days and she had started having contractions. Everybody at the meeting was talking about her and about how long they or their wives were in labor. 15 hours, 30 minutes, etc. I really wanted to speak up and say that when I had my baby this summer I was in labor for 32 hours. Of course, I didn't. All that would have accomplished would be to make everybody feel awkward and sorry for me. It's just so frustrating that I had this major life experience but I can't share it. I listen to everybody else talk about their experiences, but I can't speak up about my own. I wasn't even really sad - I just felt left out because I wanted to share that I too had been in labor.
I wonder what other people I know feel isolated like this. Who else has major events going on in their lives that they can't talk about, yet they listen to me talk about myself? I want to be more sensitive to people who feel isolated. I want people to feel like they can talk to me and they don't have to hold back for fear of what I might think or how it might make me feel. I don't ever want to make anybody feel the way I did last night.
It happened to me again last night. I was at a meeting at church with some other adults, most of whom don't know about what happened. About a month ago one of them asked me if I have any kids, and I said no - I just didn't know what else to say. Anyway, last night one of the members wasn't there because she is pregnant and due in just a few days and she had started having contractions. Everybody at the meeting was talking about her and about how long they or their wives were in labor. 15 hours, 30 minutes, etc. I really wanted to speak up and say that when I had my baby this summer I was in labor for 32 hours. Of course, I didn't. All that would have accomplished would be to make everybody feel awkward and sorry for me. It's just so frustrating that I had this major life experience but I can't share it. I listen to everybody else talk about their experiences, but I can't speak up about my own. I wasn't even really sad - I just felt left out because I wanted to share that I too had been in labor.
I wonder what other people I know feel isolated like this. Who else has major events going on in their lives that they can't talk about, yet they listen to me talk about myself? I want to be more sensitive to people who feel isolated. I want people to feel like they can talk to me and they don't have to hold back for fear of what I might think or how it might make me feel. I don't ever want to make anybody feel the way I did last night.
3 comments:
Oh Beth, I know what you mean. Sometimes I don't know what to say when people ask how many kids I have. I have 3, but if I say that, then they'll wonder where the third one is, and I'll have to explain and everyone will be uncomfortable. I wish people could walk around with signs on them telling me what they're going through in life right now. I'd be a whole lot more compassionate if I only knew.
I feel isolated, too, as though I'm somehow beyond what everyone else feels. I don't know if that makes sense or not. Big hugs to you.
Hey Beth. I completely know how you feel. The "do you have any children" question is tough. You want to say yes, but then you have to explain everything and 9 times out of 10 everyone around you is mortified. Thank God for these blogs and threads where we can talk freely about how we are feeling and our experiences. Hugs!
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