Today has been a little bit hard. I had another baby shower for my friend, and again that was surprisingly not sad. This is the one I thought would be hard for me because she and I work together and this was the work shower - I had assumed we would have a joint shower for our babies. Thankfully she is having a boy, so all of the cute boy stuff didn't make me sad for Ada.
The only hard part at the shower is that two other teachers at our school are also pregnant and they were there too. I'm not very close to either of them, and one of them I barely even know because she's new this year. The one that I do know has had two miscarriages, both around 3 months, so I know she has at least some idea of the pain I'm going through. She has been nothing but nice to me, but today when I found out she's at 24 weeks it felt like a punch in the gut. I just can't explain it. She was telling somebody else how they found out it's a boy and that they have a couple of names picked out. Of course I'm happy for her, and of course I want everything to go well, but I just wanted to tell everybody, "Oh, 24 weeks, that's how far I made it before MY BABY DIED. We had just found out the sex and picked out a name too." I'm not jealous, I'm not angry, and I wouldn't even say that I'm sad. I just feel pain. It's this indescribable pain. And I feel very alone, like nobody else has ever been through what I have been though, but of course as you can see from the links on the right, there are plenty of people who have felt my pain.
So today when I got home I cried. A lot. It's probably the most I've cried in a while. I took out some things from Ada's box and I decided to finally finish her baby book. Of course, I didn't fill it up or anything (first bath? first night at home?), but I did put in some information about when she was born. I also pasted one of the copies of her picture in there. I was proud of it when I was done. Someday I will show it to her brothers and sisters.
On an unrelated note, tonight I was watching last night's episode of Brothers & Sisters. If you're not familiar with the show, Justin is one of the characters and he fought in Iraq. On last night's episode he was upset because this man was thanking him for saving his life, but all Justin could think about was how his best friend had died in that same explosion. There's more to the story, but anyway he was so upset about it until his girlfriend asked about what his friend who was killed was like. Justin's face lit up and he talked about what the friend looked like and started telling some stories about the guy. I understood that feeling. I light up a little bit inside when people ask me about Ada. It's not the same because I don't have any fun memories with her, but it keeps her alive. It takes away some of the pain.
The only hard part at the shower is that two other teachers at our school are also pregnant and they were there too. I'm not very close to either of them, and one of them I barely even know because she's new this year. The one that I do know has had two miscarriages, both around 3 months, so I know she has at least some idea of the pain I'm going through. She has been nothing but nice to me, but today when I found out she's at 24 weeks it felt like a punch in the gut. I just can't explain it. She was telling somebody else how they found out it's a boy and that they have a couple of names picked out. Of course I'm happy for her, and of course I want everything to go well, but I just wanted to tell everybody, "Oh, 24 weeks, that's how far I made it before MY BABY DIED. We had just found out the sex and picked out a name too." I'm not jealous, I'm not angry, and I wouldn't even say that I'm sad. I just feel pain. It's this indescribable pain. And I feel very alone, like nobody else has ever been through what I have been though, but of course as you can see from the links on the right, there are plenty of people who have felt my pain.
So today when I got home I cried. A lot. It's probably the most I've cried in a while. I took out some things from Ada's box and I decided to finally finish her baby book. Of course, I didn't fill it up or anything (first bath? first night at home?), but I did put in some information about when she was born. I also pasted one of the copies of her picture in there. I was proud of it when I was done. Someday I will show it to her brothers and sisters.
On an unrelated note, tonight I was watching last night's episode of Brothers & Sisters. If you're not familiar with the show, Justin is one of the characters and he fought in Iraq. On last night's episode he was upset because this man was thanking him for saving his life, but all Justin could think about was how his best friend had died in that same explosion. There's more to the story, but anyway he was so upset about it until his girlfriend asked about what his friend who was killed was like. Justin's face lit up and he talked about what the friend looked like and started telling some stories about the guy. I understood that feeling. I light up a little bit inside when people ask me about Ada. It's not the same because I don't have any fun memories with her, but it keeps her alive. It takes away some of the pain.
2 comments:
I delivered a little girl with triploidy in February at 19 weeks. One of the hardest things for me, too, is not seeing pregnant women or holding babies, but being treated like an outsider. I feel like I'm no longer a member of the recently pregnant club just because my baby didn't come home. That's hard. My pregnancy is all I had with my baby, so I'd love some outside recognition.
It's not a club anyone wants to join, but it is nice to have good company. I promise you that you'll never get over it, but you will get through the grief.
Hang in there!
I know exactly how you feel about wanting to keep Ada's memory alive!
It's so hard for us, because our babies are constantly on our minds, so therefore, we want to talk about them all of the time.
And when people don't bring them up, we assume they've forgotten. It's such a sad feeling.
I've taken it upon myself many times to bring up Cameron's name in any way I can. Whether or not it turns into a full blown conversation doesn't matter at that point. Just as long as I got his name out - just quick enough for people to hear it and think about him again. It helps.
And as long as you have this blog, no one here will ever forget Ada! :)
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